Thursday, January 1, 2009

The Very Best of Mass Hysteria 2008: Part 5

In a spectacular gesture of narcissism, the editors of Mass Hysteria will be sharing their favorite pieces of 2008 with you, their loyal readers, this week. Some are old; some are new; all are deeply imbued with the kind of rabid Boston fandom you've come to expect from this fine website. Please to enjoy, and many thanks to all of you for your support these past few months! Happy New Year to all!

My top 10:

10. Last week's Christmas poem was a blast to write. It was the first time I've ever written with a poem without doing an accompanying Andrew "Dice" Clay impression, so hey, progress!

9. It's been generally fun to tell people, things and forces of nature to eat bags of dicks. This year we've covered snow, the state of Alabama, Tampa Bay, Ronnie Brown, the MLB All-Star game, Randy Newman, and the Boston Herald. I consider each internet homicide to be justifiable and with cause.

8. The NBA Draft was my first attempt at a liveblog and writing shitty jokes on the fly. If anything, I hope it was better than some of Simmons' recent efforts.

7. It's always been my dream to work The Battle Hymn of the Republic into a post, and I was able to do so here. One thing I hope to do a lot more of in 2009 is posting on MMA, as it's a huge passion of mine and (I know it sounds crazy) but I've actually been training in Muay Thai for more than a year now, and hope to have my own Muay Thai or boxing match by the end of 2009 or mid 2010. A huge pipe dream (and probably a relatively stupid one), but it keeps me going and the training has helped me drop 55 lbs this year.

6. I loved writing the Celtics Porn Previews, if only because they made me have internal dialogue like "is Leon Powe more like fisting or bondage?" Speaking my awful habits, drinking an entire bottle of cheap, dirty champagne during each C's playoff game may not have been my best health decision.

5. I've recounted the Walmart Ex-Lax story at many a bar, to the sheer horror of literally dozens of innocent witnesses, but to publish it on the interwebs was truly a joy.

4. One of the things I wanted to do with this site is write about old wrestlers and/or wrestling personalities, if only to somehow utilize the vast expanse of otherwise useless wrestling knowledge I have in my head. I think my favorite may have actually been the Herb Abrams Wrestler of Yore, if only because it let me write "Herb Abrams died of a cocaine-induced heart attack, wearing a diaper and covered in baby oil, chasing hookers through the halls of a Las Vegas hotel with a baseball bat, which he had earlier used to smash all the furniture in his hotel room in an effort to find the devices he thought the government was tracking him with." Ludvig Borga was a fave as well.

3. The Manny Celebrity Roast. At my inner core, I'm a horrid, angry, racist and downright mean person, and it is through posts like this that I can let these true colors fly.

2. My Sasha Vujacic piece was our first to get linked on some of the major sites, and hopefully started to put us on the map a bit. That dude still creeps me out.

1 and 1a: Under the influence of alcohol, I documented the glorious victory of my two favorite children, the Gators and Celtics. My only hope is that 2009 is filled with similar victories for my two sports loves, starting on January 8th when the Gators humble Oklahoma, and continuing this June with Banner 18.

On a serious note, I'd just like to thank everyone who has stumbled upon our little blog this year. We started this site on a lark - just a few drunk assholes who liked sports a little too much and felt the need to spout off our opinions in a public setting - but your patronage and encouragement has turned this into a living, breathing thing, and something that gets us up and going each and every day. We've got even bigger things planned for 2009, so stick around, enjoy the show, and as always, please continue to shamelessly hit on Raquel in the comments.


Shaun said...

That Walmart story was fucking gold.

I work in a walmart, and I can personally vouch for the dairy and pharmacy being pretty much a trek across Siberia, minus the cold weather, and plus the low-priced crap.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

I just got two windshield wipers at Walmart for like 6 bucks total. Which totally made up for the fact that I was stuck behind two motorized wheelchair mothers who were yelling at their kids for god knows what.

nfsffw said...

The USC Bowl just started and I'm sitting here looking for something interesting on my laptop when I ran across the Walmart story. I truly laughed so hard I cried, thanks for that and all the humor you guys have brought into these rather dark times.