Thursday, January 1, 2009

The Very Best of Mass Hysteria 2008: The End

In a spectacular gesture of narcissism, the editors of Mass Hysteria will be sharing their favorite pieces of 2008 with you, their loyal readers, this week. Some are old; some are new; all are deeply imbued with the kind of rabid Boston fandom you've come to expect from this fine website. Please to enjoy, and many thanks to all of you for your support these past few months! Happy New Year to all!

Hey there. Pimp here. I'm sure that you, Mass Hysteria Reader, have come to realize that out of all the preening narcissists we have here on staff, I am King Fucking Narcissus himself. So when the idea of a "greatest hits" roundup for 2008 was floated, I didn't see the point. "Just tell them to click on the 'APNDR' tag," I said, "make them read everything that comes up, then watch them all furiously masturbate with joy over the fact that they get to live in a world with someone as spectacularly talented as me."

Artist's Conception: The Beauty of Life In A Universe That Contains APNDR

Unfortunately, the others somehow managed to convince me that my shit, in fact, does stink, and isn't infused with the aroma of jasmine, fresh-baked brownies, and lemon Pledge. Therefore, I cut the list down from "all" to "11", because it goes to 11, you see....

11. We adopt an Official Minor League Player of Mass Hysteria.

10. Don't do drugs, kids.

9. What happens when the Orioles bore you to tears? DARYL HALL HAPPENS, BITCHES!!!!!

8. Jon Lester throws a no-hitter against the Royals. Which, of course, leads me to compare him to Dana Kiecker. Oops.

7. Hey, remember Opening Day?

6. Proof that APNDR knows a thing or two about a thing or two: Calling the Teixeira negotiations, and predicting -- the day after Brady went down! -- that the Pats' season was not only far from over, but to the contrary, that they'd do just fine.


The Patriots, to the contrary, run a system that's based around playcalling that seeks to keep the defense off balance, not a system based on Brady's unique gifts (mainly his vision and his patience). Brady's gifts help him to execute the system better than the average QB, but they are not essential to the implementation or execution of the system. And that is why a replacement -- Cassell, Rattay, Sims, Archie Manning -- could realistically step in and execute the Patriots system with a decent (if not Bradyesque spectacular) level of success. Certainly enough success to win 10-12 games.

/pats himself on back about a zillion times



3. A helpful guide to Big Papi's injury.

These last two are the ones that I'm proudest of, though.

2. I don't want to say that Yankee/Red Sox games are agoninzingly endless now, but....

1. My favorite post of the year was also the only really serious post I did -- a small remembrance of someone who's probably already forgotten. RIP, Jeremi.

Happy New Year to you all! Thanks for reading!

1 comment:

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

It's kind of sad that Zombie Whimsy never made it onto the best of the Year. Poor poor Shitshow. We barely knew ye.