Friday, January 30, 2009

The Varitek Contract Negotiations Are Finally Over

Cut to a kitchen in Georgia, Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek is sitting at a table waiting for lunch, Heidi Watney is making him a sandwich wearing only an apron....and heels

JV: Will you hurry up, I am starving and this Captain does not wait for anything.

: Sorry honey, here you go. (puts sandwich in front of Varitek)

JV: Hey, WHAT DID I TELL YOU YESTERDAY? I don't like pickles in my fucking sandwiches, now take this piece of crap back and make it again. My god, Karen never had problems remembering my lunch order. Why do I bother keeping you around?

HW: Anal?

: Oh right....(Phone rings)....What the hell are you waiting for, answer the phone.

HW: It's Scottie he says that he has some new updates on your contract

JV: Gimme that, (slaps HW on the ass) now go make me a pie, Pumpkin, and when you are done lay in bed I'll be back later to take care of that. Hey Scottie, this better be good.

SB: Jason, good news we got you a two year contract with the Red Sox!

: Great! So what are we looking at here, because I need some extra money, this alimony is killing me and Heidi has been pestering me for some new lips.

SB: Um, ok, before I tell you, just remember the market sucked this year. And well after the Teixiera negotiations, Theo has only communicated with me via carrier pigeons. No one is getting the money they deserve. We are looking at 5 million this year, with a team option next year, or a substantially less player option in 2010.

WHAT. THE. FUCK!!!??? This is the same shitty deal you told me about last week, what the hell have you been doing?

SB: Well, I tried EVERYONE and no one seemed to care that you have more intangibles than Derek Jeter, and can handle a pitching staff better than anyone in the pros. It seems everyone is worried that your swing is longer than Charles Haley's dick. So this is all we had. So here is the deal, you can either take their deal, or sit out next year....Or retire.

JV: Retire? How is that going to make me anymore money, jesus call Theo up and tell him that I will take the deal, as long as Heidi is going to be the clubhouse reporter, and after every game I get to nail her as much as possible in the showers.

SB: OK, I texted Theo he says thats fine, but Julio Lugo wants to watch.

JV: Fine whatever, I have dealt with some strange stuff on the Sox, Kevin Millar once got caught putting video cameras in the MENS bathroom. But Scott, me and you, we are finished. Take your 3% and go to hell, I don't ever want to see you again. Fuck this I'm out.... Heidi??? Did you remember to buy the industrial lube?

HW: Yup, I bought the two gallon Economy bottle.

JV: Hey at least everything didn't suck today...


GHABB,Y~! said...

Im trying to figure out who Boras looks like. Maybe Robin Williams without the body hair?

Boatdrinks said...

Ghabby, he looks like the guy in the Cialis ad I just saw...Boras hair isn't as swoopy but similar expressions.

GM-Carson said...

I see you're a member of the Slow Breaker to swap links with More Hardball @ Contact us if interested.