Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Tomorrow's News Today: Scalabrine Leads Celtics to Win

We at Mass Hysteria were able to get an early copy of tomorrow's AP story on tonight's Celtics-Kings game, featuring a heroic performance from an unlikely source.


(AP) BOSTON – The fact that the Celtics defeated the Kings on Wednesday night was of little surprise to NBA-watchers. However, the game’s superstar will probably surprise many: former backup forward Brian Scalabrine.

Scalabrine finished Wednesday’s game with 42 points, 18 rebounds, 12 assists, eight steals and six blocks in what was easily the best, and most surprising game of his career. Even more shocking was the fact that Scalabrine had been considered doubtful for Wednesday’s game after suffering his second concussion in three days during Tuesday’s practice, but reportedly showed up to the TD Banknorth Garden prior to the game looking refreshed, completely healthy and passing all mental examinations from team doctors.


“I don’t know what got into Scal, but he looked like a completely new man out there,” noted C’s forward Paul Pierce. “I didn’t even know Scal could dunk, but here he was, throwing down alley-oops and swatting shots out of the sky. The only weird thing was that he’d only answer to ‘Henry Rowengartner’ in the team huddle.” Scalabrine, never known for his vertical leap, also wowed fans by plucking a quarter off the top of the backboard during a television timeout and blowing out an entire birthday cake that rested on the top of the rim, also finding the time to remove each candle from the cake while suspended in air.

His dunking feats aside, possibly most impressive was Scalabrine’s quickness on Wednesday night, as his eight steals included two separate plays in which he dashed across the court to intercept simple outlet passes. MIT scientists examining Scalabrine’s performance this morning noted that his on-court speed during Wednesday’s game would translate roughly to a 4.07 40-yard dash, which would set an NFL record. The same scientists measured Scalabrine’s vertical leap at 97 inches, which would shatter the world record high jump set by Cuba’s Javier Sotomayor in 1993.

High-speed cameras were able to pick up the blindingly fast Scalabrine in action on Wednesday night.

A postgame interview with Scalabrine revealed little about his sudden talents or post-concussive symptoms, as he only made odd references to fictional characters as “Chet Steadman” and “Phil Brickma,” and repeatedly asked for his mother. Ironically, Scalabrine also was seen turning to actor Gary Busey for pregame advice.

“I knew Scal had it in him all along, it just took a concussion to get it out of him,” noted Celtics GM Danny Ainge, who had been widely criticized for signing the longtime bench player and butt of many league jokes. “My only worry now is that the Cubs sign him, as he’s reportedly been throwing 100-mile-per-hour fastballs all morning.”

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