Friday, January 23, 2009

Tom Is Our Leader, and Our Leader is Good

Don’t know if you guys caught Matt Cassel’s comments on ESPNNEWS yesterday, but they were pretty telling as to where his mindset is regarding the Pats, his relationship with Tom Brady, and his massive, giant inferiority complex:

"This is Tom's team. The Patriots have been Tom's team. He's built that franchise up with his own two hands. He's the guy, and he was the MVP the year before. I realize that. He's been such a mentor for me that I would say, 'No, there is no quarterback competition.' But I've learned so many things from Tom, and hopefully it'll help me in my career."

In a further interview with Mass Hysteria, Cassel further elaborated on his relationship with Brady:

“This coffee mug I’m holding, this is Tom’s coffee mug. It may say ‘Matt’ on it, but it really belongs to Tom, as do all of my possessions. My shoes are Tom’s. My pants are Tom’s. The jersey I wear every Sunday that has my last name on it, well, I only wear it because Tom lets me. Tom is my Leader, and I shall follow Him wherever He goes. Once I saw Tom having a threesome with my mother and sister, and I asked both of them if I could smell their vaginas afterwards, if only to know the scent of Tom's seed. If Tom tells me to climb a mountain, I shall do so because He said so. If Tom calls upon me to slay one of his enemies, I shall do so with pride in His name. And if Tom wants me to make the ultimate sacrifice and take this cyanide tablet that He has supplied me with ‘for emergency purposes,’ I shall do so with no hesitation, with the promise of a Heaven with seventy-seven Toms waiting for me.”

Further research into Cassel’s childhood found even more disturbing facts. Cassel reportedly would hand his lunch money to bullies every day, telling them they deserved it for “their efforts enforcing justice on the playground.” Cassel has not once crossed the street without holding someone’s hand. Cassel’s parents once bought him a Big Wheel, but he never rode it because his parents never gave him explicit instructions to do so.

Our research, however, has shown that Cassel showed proficiency in one game as a child, and is currently the world’s top ranked player. That game? Simon Says.

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