Friday, January 2, 2009

Tom Brady's End of the Season Soiree

In a hope to increase the validity of discourse here at Mass Hysteria, HZMLS invited Patriots QB Tom Brady back to the blog to discuss the ups and downs of the 2008 Patriots season. Brady, who is still fighting off infections in his surgerically repaired knee was more than happy to sit down and share his thoughts with the readers of this blog.

Cheers and welcome back to my post, it was an exciting year for the Patriots. Not that I would know, I have spent the last 18 weeks rehabbing, all the while nailing my Brazilian model every chance I get. In between marathon sex sessions, where Gisele and I go at so much my dick starts to chafe, I turned on the Patriots game and here are some of my EXPERT analysis and recommendations. First, let me pour myself a nice Apple-tini and get this party rolling!

* Matt put together quite a season for the Patriots (I mean, obviously not as good as me but who is). He has some big decisions to make this off season, and that where his Uncle Tom will come in handy with some important advice:
  1. What is the deal with this whole marriage thing? You're an NFL superstar, ditch that ball and chain and get yourself some high class poon. I hear Alyssa Milano is single again, or maybe try and nail that chick that works for MH. What's her name again? Raquel?
  2. Speaking of which, unless your strikingly handsome like myself, it would probably best suite you to go somewhere warm. Maybe a California team, or Florida. Girls are much, much sexier than the broads up here. Especially around winter, Boston becomes like Alaska, and the only sexy person in the region wears a #12 Patriots Jersey.
  3. If you really want my job you can have it, I'm getting bored with it anyways. I figure male modeling is a much more lucrative career option, and will impose much less of a toll on my more than perfect body.
  4. It's pretty clear that Bill does a great job with back up Quarterbacks, so I'm sure he will find me a replacement soon after you're....
///knock at Brady's door
Rohan Davey: "Um Tommee, Michael and I wuz wonderin' if Matty leaves, maybe we coulds have our jobs back?"

TB: Um Rohan, well see Bill and I, um we just wanted to let you that well, because of the dire economic crisis, well the Patriots are bankrupt and won't be playing next year.

RD: Oh really? Damn! Shit Michael, looks like its back to the CFL and NFL Europe for us. /slams door

*Phew that was a close one! So if Matt does leave, there is a possibility I could get stuck with one of them as a backup.

* So Chad Pennington thinks he's the NFL's Comeback player of the Year huh? Have you modeled for Stetson and are you the envy of every man in America? Well, wait until next year when I come back impregnate his wife, and make him raise the kid. Have fun with that Noodledick!

* You might be wondering what Rodney, Laurence, Adalius, Pierre and myself have been doing the past few weeks while on the IR. Well according to your basketball editor GHABBY there is some prime ass over at the Bahama Beach Club in Revere. So the five of us decked out in our best clubbing clothes, and greasing our hair like the other bros do. Well Laurence couldn't, but his dreds and Kool Aid medallion get him plenty of "bitches anyways". The best part of the BBC is that all the girls look real young, like straight out of high school. I found it odd that none of them drove a car, let alone have a Cosmo with me. But uou would never guess how much ass you can get with the pickup line "Hey I'm the QB for the three time Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots, wanna fuck?"

* So the word on the street is Brett Favre is contemplating retirement. Please Brett, do me a favor stay in the league, and play for the Jets one more year. Even if my knee is still injured and I can barely walk, your perfomance week in and week out will make me look like Joe Montana.

* My obvious MVP for the year is Wes Welker. He was the most consistent in our passing game and that was a good thing for his well being. You see in our locker room we have a rule if Wes doesn't get 6 catches a game, Vince Wilfork gets to make him squeal like a pig. He calls it "Pulling a Hurricane on the White Boy"

* My pick to win the Super Bowl? That is easy, the Dallas Cowboys. Going into Wild Card weekend it is clear to me that they have the most talent, and well if there is QB in the NFL that reminds me of myself, it's Tony Romo. They've got TO, the best WR not named Randy Moss, and talent up and down the defensive line. I can't see any reason they don't win it all.

Well people I'm off, Cabo is calling and Tommy always answers that call. Plus I have a busy day of rehabbing my knee and waxing Gisele's hoo-hoo and force her to actually eat. Have a great New Years everyone, and just think, as long as my knee doesnt turn green and fall off, I will be back in 9 months!


Boatdrinks said...

Oh, sadly this isn't particularly impossible.

Boatdrinks said...

Gah! Pey pey MVP
Marbury to Celtics rumors.

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