Friday, January 30, 2009

Tebow vs. Treebow: Quien Es Mas Awesome-o?

Recently, a Gainesville chainsaw artist (stop giggling) unveiled his statue "Treebow," a large oak cut into the shape of Greatest Human Being Ever, Tim Tebow. So, in a tribute to former ESPN funny guy Nick Bakay (who also did the voice of Salem on Sabrina the Teenage Witch), I present a Tebow vs. Treebow tale of the tape. Quien es mas awesome-o?

1) Size
6'2", 236lbs

7'6", "weighs as much as the earth"


2) Awards

2 National Championships, 1 Heisman Trophy, 2 Maxwell Awards, 1 Davey O’Brien Award, All-American, Award For Being the Only Dude I’d Go Gay For

“Best Tree That Looks Like Tim Tebow” Award

WINNAR: TEBOW ("Best Tree That Looks Like Tim Tebow" isn't even a real award)

3) Mel Kiper Draft Projection

Fourth-round tight end, comparable to Frank Wycheck

First round quarterback, has ideal size and pocket presence, comparable to Drew Bledsoe


4) Creator

Most would say “God,” but being that Tebow is God, one could argue that Tebow, ergo, is self-created.

That dude with the hat.


5) Versatility

Accurate passer and powerful rusher, often called the top dual-threat player in the country.

Provides shade, useful in games of Hide and Go Seek


6) Companions
Dudes who run 4.2 40s, Riley Cooper, God, Filipino boys with infected foreskins, Big Titted Coeds

Hat dude, palm trees, Ballyhoo Grill patrons

WINNAR: TEBOW (though the potato skins at Ballyhoo are like Spanish Fly, they bring the bitches)

7) Circumcision skill



WINNAR: TEBOW (Penis splinters = OUCH)

8) Threats

None – all who have attempted to defeat Tebow have been left lying and helpless in his wake.



9) Moh’s Scale of Hardness Rating

2: Gypsum (due to fleshy outercovering)

6: Feldspar

WINNAR: TREEBOW (Tebow is a badass, but oak is oak)

10) Embarrassing weakness

Friendship with Kenny Chesney

Ugly orange shoes

WINNAR: TREEBOW (nobody should EVER be friends with Kenny Chesney)

Overall WINNAR: Tebow 6-4, despite a late push from Treebow. Nothing was, is or will ever be mas awesome-o than Tebow, not even a giant oak statue bearing his likeness.


Zach Martin said...

Can I get funny guy in quotes in reference to Nick Bakay. Thanks.

Raquel said...

It's the hard-hitting sports analysis like this that makes this site great. My money was on Treebow, but what the fuck do I know?

J said...

Tebow deserved the win because of category six alone.

Boatdrinks said...

Ah, Moh's hardness scale, that doesn't get enough play in sports blogs.

nfsffw said...

Your game's elevated to another level these days Ghabby.
Nice to see Raquel here too [ how bout them Broooooins?