Wednesday, January 21, 2009
at 12:10 PM Posted by GHABB,Y~!
For those of you that may have been paying attention to oh, slightly more important things, the Jets yesterday hired Rex Ryan as their head coach. Now, other than John Tomase, the Jets are probably considered the natural rival of all Patriots fans, so the immediate question that pops to mind is “how can we hate this new coach with the same fervor and vitriol that we hated their past coaches?” Sadly, Ryan is following big shoes of hateability in the wake of VILE FUCKING TRAITOR Eric Mangina, and even bigger shoes when you consider the Jets have employed such cumdumpsters as Lou Holttchchschcch, Pete Carroll, Rich Kotite, and, of course, Benedict Arnold's inspiration, Bill Parcells. Luckily, we at Mass Hysteria have put together a primer on Mr. Ryan, and how you can hate him with the same passion that you have long hated Jets coaches.
1) Rex Ryan is the son of Buddy Ryan. Buddy Ryan is a noted douche in the annals of NFL history. He led the Bears defense in Super Bowl XX over our Patriots, a game that still has Tony Eason crying in a corner, rocking back and forth. He was coach of the Eagles, where he once took out a bounty on barefooted kicker Tony Zendejas, which is super douchy because barefooted kickers are awesome. Buddy Ryan once punched the defenseless Kevin Gilbride in the face on Monday Night Football. Ryan also coached the Cardinals, where he wore a matching Logo Athletic Paintbrush t-shirt to go with his Logo Athletic Paintbrush hat. Now, Ryan owns a horse farm in Kentucky, where he turns horses into Elmer’s glue for retarded kids to eat. Buddy Ryan is one of the notable douches in NFL history, and he is the father (and greatest influence) on the current Jets coach.
2) Rex Ryan is a twin. Twins, generally, are super-creepy. Twins develop their own weird pidgin language when they’re born, and later use that language to plot crimes against humanity. The Sklar brothers are twins. Benji and Joel Madden are twins. Jose and Ozzie Canseco are twins. Ronde and Tiki Barber are twins. Robin and Brook Lopez are twins. I repeat, twins are super fucking creepy. Moreover, Rex’s twin brother looks like a homeless man and has a mullet:
3) Rex Ryan was born in Oklahoma and went to school there. As has been documented on this site, Oklahoma can eat a bag of dicks.
4) Rex Ryan’s first name is Rex. That’s a fucking dog’s name. Seriously, name another famous Rex? Rex Grossman? Sucks, even though he was a Gator. Tyrannosaurus Rex? Had fucking tiny arms and wasn’t nearly as cool as the brontosaurus. Simon Rex? Shittiest MTV VJ of the ‘90s, did soft-core porn, and is now reportedly friends with Paris Hilton. Rex is a stupid name, and will probably translate to being a stupid coach.
5) Ryan was the Ravens defensive coordinator for the last few years. Now, generally, this would be a positive, and Ryan’s advocates note that he’s led the Ravens to be one of the league’s most dominant defenses over the last few years. But you know who, a few years ago was receiving similar praises for leading the dominant Ravens defense? Marvin fucking Lewis, who proceeded to turn the Bengals into not only a shitty team, but a shitty team that had a player arrested every hour. Perhaps the Ravens’ defensive success is due to having insanely good players like Ray Lewis and Ed Reed, rather than the genius of their coordinator. Shit, if I coached the Ravens’ defense I’d hold one meeting a week in which I’d only say “hey, you should tackle the motherfucker with the ball” and I’d be hailed as brilliant for guiding the top ranked defense in the league.
6) Ryan is taking over a Jets team that epically failed at the end of the season, and basically hates each other. The Jets lost four of their last five games, including embarrassing ass-whippings by the Seahawks, 49ers and Broncos. Ryan also gets to inherit the Brett Favre mess, which will either end in a) Favre returning to the Jets after a months-long cocktease and pissing all of his teammates off while leading the team to a late-season collapse or b) Kellen Clemens playing quarterback and the Jets going 4-12 this year. Oh, and the Jets’ salary cap situation sucks, so it’s not like they can sign any big-name free agents this spring. Sounds awesome!
In conclusion, Rex, I’d like to welcome you to the position of head coach of the New York Jets. Oh, I’d also like to mention that you and your entire family fucking blow, you’re going to be an utter failure, and I can’t wait to see you shit the bed twice a year against the Pats. Congrats, dick.