Friday, January 16, 2009

Red Sox To Remain Sweaty, Beardy For At Least Four More Years

So the Red Sox just formally announced that they have locked up Mr. Kevin Youkilis to a 4-year, $41 million deal. The contract also includes an option for a fifth year, so the entire deal could be worth up to $53 million. Being that these guys don't like the deal, I feel pretty confident in saying it's awesome.

But this begs the question: what will KY do with 41 million bucks? I mean, that is a HUGE raise for him, considering he only made $3 million last year and only $424,500 (!!!) the year before. We know he already got married, so maybe buy a house? But that's still going to leave a ton of money left over. So what are the plans for Youk and his new-found dough? Mass Hysteria has some thoughts:

*Let's start with the obvious: Youk could buy 160,784,313 dreidels from

*He could look into hiring Matisyahu, the Beastie Boys, or Jerry Seinfeld to perform at his bar mitzvah.

*He could buy roughly 683,000 tickets to Fiddler On The Roof, in Providence on Valentines Day!

*Finally, he could spend it all to correct that RIDICULOUS underbite, which, as GHABBY put it, looks like he could accidentally bite through his own eyebrows while eating. Maybe something to look into.

Throw any of your other suggestions in the comments!


dubbschism said...

why are they saying "boooo" ?

HZMLS said...

He is obviously going to deposit his money with the seven Jew bankers in the center of the earth. Duh.

nfsffw said...

Youk could buy a majority share in NFSFFW Enterprises Ltd for a mere fraction of his salary. Hell, I'll be his personal valet for say, $150K a year. I don't clean up jizz towels, however.

So, Smarty, how long do you think it'll take the Sox to make a run at Andruw Jones?