Monday, January 26, 2009

New Hampshire: The Camouflage State

If you didn't catch yesterday's globe, they had a heartwarming tale of a Pingree School goalie, from Hampton, New Hampshire, who ordered custom-made goalie pads designed to blend into the goal net behind him. The idea is that shooters will see the camouflaged pads and shoot directly into them, thinking they're shooting at open net. Cute, and it's met with moderate success, as he's had two shutouts since wearing the pads (and Raquel tells me that shutouts are, in fact, a good thing if you're a goalie).

However, at Mass Hysteria realize that he's simply following in a fine New Hampshire tradition of camouflage, disguise and trickeration. In this post, we'll look at some of the other examples throughout history of New Hampshire pulling the wool over our collective eyes:

*A regular old dumb side of a mountain disguised as "The Man in the Mountain."

*Bustling cities cloaked as "endless stretches of trees and uninhabited landscape."

*Hampton Beach camouflaged as "a 1970s crack den with sand."

*The town of Seabrook masked as "Chernobyl without the charm."

*A manure processing plant pretending to be "The University of New Hampshire."

*Mid-1980s Lowell recreated as "Manchester."

*Vacuuous money pits concealed as "ski mountains and resorts."

*Northern Methuen falsifying itself as "Salem."

*Manicured landscapes smoke-screened as "lawns with 15 broken-down cars in front."

*New Hampshire itself pretending to be "a state anyone cares about more than once every four years."

Note, however, that nothing here was stated about Portsmouth. That's because Portsmouth rules, and not just because their fine burgh is responsible for a large percentage of my current liver failure. The Coat of Arms has Strongbow on tap and a drink called the "Celtic Warrior" which is Guiness, Strongbow and a shot of Jameson. It is, therefore, the happiest place on Earth, ten million times happier than Disney World. If you mock Portsmouth, I can and will fight you. Unless you're wearing camouflaged hockey pads, in which case I'll laugh at you, then fight you.


Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

I guess those Celtic Warriors are just that good.

GHABB,Y~! said...

They really are, though they make the 45-minute drive home a bit tricky.

Oz said...

Salem, NH has Canobie Lake Park. Salem, MA has kooky new-agers, a useless harbor, and the stolen legacy of the first psychotic religious persecution in America. Oh, yeah, and a coal plant, too.

Advantage: NH.

Matt said...

The Coat of Arms is also responsible for bringing together two of my favorite vices into one delicious drink, The Irish Eye Opener: Guinness with a shot of espresso.

Kudos and huzzah.

HZMLS said...

Tax free liquor stores= key