Monday, January 5, 2009

New England Patriots: End of the Season Happy Funtime

Have fun trying to do what I couldn't do....Winning in Cleveland.

What a season, it's a shame that it had to end on the arm of that New York Jets suck bag. Can't blame him entirely though, there were games that the Patriots should have won but didnt. The game against Indy and the loss to the Jets were both winnable games that you blew. But hey what the fuck, we were basically playing with house money all year anyways. If you were to say that without Tom Brady we would go 11-5, I would say that there was a bigger chance of hundred dollar bills pouring from the sky. But their was a lot of help from some contributors that deserve some recognition. Two running backs in Sammy Morris and Lamont Jordan gave the Patriots a core running game that makes me beg the Pats to release Laurence Maroney before next season. And a defense that almost shut out the Cardinals. Though at times you weren't pretty, I give you two thumbs up. To commerate the end of a great season, I have created awards for the highs and lows of the season.

Robert Edwards Memorial "Injury that Sucked Donkey Nuts Award
"- Though it would be easy to put Tom Brady down here, and for all that happened it should, this award has to go to Rodney Harrison. True the injury to Brady was catastrophic, but Cassel showed us that he could be a NFL QB, no fuck that, a GREAT NFL QB. The defense of the Patriots was shaky for most of the season, letting the Jets score at will, the Steelers put up huge points, and the Dolphins and that god damn Wild Cat defense scorched the Pats defense. But the injury to Harrison left the Patriots secondary more exposed than Janet Jackson's titty. Suddenly Ellis Hobbs looked less like Asante Samuel and more like Deltha O'Neal. Harrison's injuries happen frequently now, and probably karmic retribution for playing football like Ted Bundy. To the Pats credit though, the defense stepped it up in the end, with big games against the Cardinals and Bills. Kudos to Brandon Meriweather for showing up this season. (Total side note, but I had no clue Robert Edwards was playing football in Canada up until last season. Good thing there are no beaches up there. EH?)

A slightly better version of Super Bowl XLII, that still ended with a Pats loss Award- The November 13th game against the Jets at Foxboro. This game had it all, Brett Favre lit up the Patriots defense for two touchdowns, Randy Moss made the catch of the year, and the ultimate kick in the balls a loss in overtime. God I hate the NFL rules of overtime (I'm sure everyone in Indy agrees right now), but let's face it, if the Patriots had won this game, we would be talking about their Wild Card weekend matchup against the Ravens. Which they probably would have lost. Honorable mention goes to the Indy game as well, losing to Peyton and Co. sucked a big one too, but the Jets loss was more stinging because well, it always sucks losing to Favre.

Chad Jackson EPIC FAIL Award (Team)-
There are two games that stick out in my mind in terms of failing to the degree of a talentless UF Wide Receiver. The Steelers, Chargers and the first game against the Dolphins stick in my mind. All these games were terrible, filled with Patriots errors and turnovers, and the final results were statistical abortions that I still hate to confront. I hate you Matthew Slater. But the winner of this coveted award is the first Dolphins game. I still see the fucking Wild Cat formation in my nightmares, and wake up in cold sweats yelling "TACKLE RONNIE BROWN AHHHHH!". For all the lauding of Bill Belichick as a genius (and if you make a cheating joke here I will ban you), he and the defense looked completely underprepared in this game. How can you score 5 Touchdowns with the EXACT same play?
I would expect that kind of crap from Rod Marinelli, but Belichick? Come on now Bill.

That hit was harder than a Wil Cordero -to Wife's Face Haymaker- Consider my memory short, but the best hit I saw DELIVERED by a Patriot's player was definitely by Sammy Morris against Donte Whitner of Buffalo. Whitner braced himself to tackle the oncoming Morris, but the hard hitting safety was met with the force of Rosie O'Donnell charging Old Country Buffet. If you want to see what getting your chest liquefied looks like please watch this video.

The Bethel Johnson Least Valuable Player Award-
Deltha O'Neal. Without a question the most worthless player on this team. Something has to be said about picking up a cornerback that was cut by the Cincinnati Bengals. That "something" was on display for most of the season, and was getting burned anytime someone threw that ball in his direction. Or to be more accurate "Thrown in his direction, in which O'Neal was always four steps behind". It's scary to consider that going into the season he was considered our #2 CB, and by the end of the season he was benched in favor of rookie Jonathan Wilhite. Enjoy playing with the Toronto Argonauts next year asshole.

Free Back Room Special at the Foxy Lady Award (MVP)-
This is a no brainer, Matt Cassel. At the beginning of the season we had no idea what to expect from you, I was calling for you to get cut at the end of the pre season after you stunk it up for four straight games. At one point I was surprised Matt Guiterrez got cut before you, and I was scared shitless when Brady was hurt. But Matt, I owe you more than an apology, if you ever want to take me up on the offer I will treat you the works at Foxy Lady. You want a menage with two strippers, throw it on my tab bro, just a quick hand job in the bathroom? You got it man. Thank you Matt for a fucking incredible season, laden with more good memories than any of us could imagine. Here's to enjoying your inevitable Franchise Player contract this off season.


GHABB,Y~! said...

You can mock Chad Jackson all you want, but if you say a word about Chris Doering, I'll cut you.

Boatdrinks said...

So I am cruising along, and realize I DIDN'T SEE very much Pats football this year. That Moss catch was sick. (And I don't mean MH gastrointestinal upsy downsy sick).

Apparently I was even worse for shitty AFC games than I realized. Sigh. And eff the NFL network that can't be seen locally like, anywhere.