Friday, January 23, 2009

Negotiating with Scott Boras



South of the Mason Dixon line, Jason Varitek is awoken from his slumber by a phone call, it is his agent Scott Boras.....

Heidi Watney: (pops head from under covers, answers phone) Jason darling, the phone is for you.

Jason Varitek: Is it my ex-wife or the kids? I don't want to hear about what they learned about in school or hear her complain about the alimony again. I just want some sweet blonde poontang.

HW
: No sweetie, its Scottie. He wants to talk to you, says its important.

JV: Hey Scott, I'm kind of busy right now, whats the good word?

Scott Boras: Hey Jason, I wanted to talk to you about the contract situation.

JV: Oh awesome, I bet there are like four teams that you are playing off each other. So what are we looking at here, two years 14 million?

SB: ......no

JV: Oh ok, how about one year 8 million with a club option? I mean the price has gotta be high for a catcher who was captain of the 2007 World Series Champions!

SB
: Unfortunately not. Well Jason, I tried all that, it doesn't seem to be working.

JV: Well can't we at least play the Red Sox off against some sort of mystery team, say the Royals, and that you have a 2 year deal on the table. You told me that was your ace up your sleeve, jesus you did it to perfection in 2004!... My lord even Greg Zaun already has a deal. Come on Scott you've gotta give me something here, Heidi come here (pushes head down, she vanishes beneath the sheets).

SB: See the thing is Jason, no one really wants to give up a first round draft pick to take you on, they think the draft pick is worth more than you.

JV: A draft pick?!!! What in the hell are you talking about? I am the guy that took on Alex Rodriguez! I have caught four no hitters! They could end up with a draft pick like Brien Taylor!.... Isn't this an outrage hun?

HW: (from under sheets) Gar gar gar (chokes)

SB: I know Jason, but it looks like our only option is to crawl back to the Red Sox and take the 3 or 4 million dollars they offer.

JV: (VERY angry) Wait, so you are saying I am going to have to take a 3-4 million dollar deal, when if I accepted arbitration I could be making around 10 million again???!!!!

SB: Well, we had no idea the market was going to be so lukewarm this year.

JV: SCOTT ISNT IT YOUR FUCKING JOB TO TEST THE WATERS TO MAKE SURE SHIT LIKE THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN??? WHAT THE HELL AM I PAYING YOU FOR???

SB: Jason, you know how I work, no matter what the situation, you were going to test the free agency market. Sometimes you win sometimes you lose.

JV
: (collects himself) Scott I have a deal for you, how about I come over to your office, and rip your scrotum off and stuff it down your nostril, then when I am done I will punch you in the liver so you choke on it when it comes back out of your mouth. You're a fucking disgrace Scott, I have had a distinguished career and now you have me fucking begging to get a job. Lick my ass dickhole, your fired.... Now where was I? Oh yeah. (goes back to violating HW)


3 comments:

SmartyBarrett said...

Oh great, I have the same initials as Scott Boras?!?!

Well, it could be worse. I could have the same birthday as George Steinbrenner.

...OH FUCK!

Boatdrinks said...

I like Jason better when he was quiet and married and getting a facial on Queer Eye.

nfsffw said...

SB (NOT SmartyBarrett!):Gar gar gar

/dies