Tuesday, January 13, 2009

M*A*S*H: Boston Red Sox Edition

The writers here at Mass Hysteria are concerned about the recent signings of the Red Sox. Many of the players that are now on the team have had a rough medical history that could impact their production this season. Just look at some of the diagnoses and diseases that have plagued our players:

Varitek: infection with the dreaded bacteria Captainscoccus Inwatnii
Youkilis - Severe underbite
Pedey - Dwarfism
Lowrie- Female
Lugo - Parkinsons which causes his hands to uncontrollably shake whenever a pitch or a batted ball come near him
Lowell - One testicle
JD Drew - strangely nothing, recent medical tests show that he's never suffered an injury or even been sick in his life. I know, weird.
Ellsbury - Firewater-induced alcoholism
Bay - Canadian Moose Flu
Papelbon - Childhood PTSD which makes him constantly want to play spies
Daisuke - Radiation poisoning from Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings
Beckett - Alopecia on every part of his face except his chin
Smoltz - Gout
David Aardsma: Excessive Dutchness
Brad Penny - Gonoherpesyphillaids from Alyssa Milano
Lester - The Good Hodgkins
Justin Masterson - Vitaligo
Wakefield - Ironically missing all the knuckles on his right hand
Okajima - Is constalty attacked by metal objects from his giant magnetic necklace
Baldelli - First White person ever to get Sickle Cell Anemia
Francona - TMJ in his jaw from chewing fifteen pieces of gum at all times.
Delcarmen- Multiple Pitching Personality Disorder

1 comment:

Boatdrinks said...

Wow, it is so clear now. Following the MASH theme, is Hotlips Houlihan going to be there to "nurse" them through?
Yes, I grew up watching MASH before syndication.