Friday, January 30, 2009

Lucky Released Due to "Gay Shit"

Good riddance, you annoying fucking midget.

Some of you may be saddened by the Celtics' decision yesterday to part ways with Damon Blust, who had played their mascot, "Lucky the Leprechaun." I, however, won't miss the little fucker, as I think that the inclusion of a Celtics mascot and the Celtics filthy gutter whor...uh, I mean "Dancers" have absolutely ruined the Celtics live game experience, along with the Jumbotron Noise Meter (GET LOUD! ARE WE AT GARDEN LEVEL YET? WE HAVE TO PROMPT OUR AUDIENCE TO CHEER BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING RETARDED WOOOO LETS PLAY ANOTHER OUTDATED MOVIE CLIP). Whoopity shit Lucky, you can dunk a basketball on a trampoline while fifteen whores from Revere named Jennafa shake their roast beef curtains at the crowd and the PA system plays C&C Music Factory. If Red were alive, he would firebomb the entire Garden upon seeing this shit, and not a jury in the state would convict him.

Now for a personal admission: I may or may not, at one point in my lifetime, been under the employ of one of the major four sports organizations in this fine city. The experience may or may not have only lasted six months, and ended in me quitting due to the utter incompetence of said organization and causing me to swear off that sport completely, a sport which may or may not be the favored sport of a female editor of this website. Theoretically speaking, obviously.

Anyways, one moment, above all others, stuck out for me during that time. It was the day that Ron Artest was traded from Indiana to Sacramento after sitting out something like 110 games due to his role in the Battle of Detroit. Ironically enough, Artest's first game in a Kings uniform would be that night against the Celtics, and in the TD Banknorth Garden. The last time anyone had seen Artest on a basketball court, he had been punching fans in the face and generally going batshit crazy, so it was easy to say that, especially in the Garden, security concerns and tensions were quite high. As I was riding the elevator with my buddy, Damon Blust happened to get on. We then had the following conversation, which is 100% factual in every way:

ME: "Hey, you're the guy who plays Lucky, right?

BLUST: "Yep."

ME: "You know Artest is coming back tonight, right? The crowd should be pretty pumped."

BLUST: "Yeah, I hear we're gonna have a sellout tonight."

ME: "Hey, can I offer you a word of advice?"

BLUST: "Sure?"

ME: "Well, I know you like to do all your flippy doos and stuff, but if you pull any of your gay shit in front of Artest, he may knock your ass out."

BLUST: "Excuse me?"

ME: "Yeah, like the gay shit you do on the court, hugging people and throwing out t-shirts and generally annoying the fuck out of everyone, you may want to avoid being near the Kings bench when you pull that shit. That crazy fucker will probably beat your midget ass into a pulp."

Blust was speechless and without comeback, and quickly pressed the button for the next floor before exiting the elevator with the quickness (and without his dignity). My buddy and I then proceeded to spend the next half hour laughing uproariously. That said, I'm proud to say that Lucky avoided going near the Kings bench for the entirety of the game. And it's a good thing too - that gay shit totally would've got his ass kicked.


Raquel said...

There's a female editor of this site?! You're joking.

That story is fucking amazing, and I will buy you the fruity, girlish, low-in-calories-high-in-FUN!!1! drink of your choice the next time I see you for it.

Pepster said...

Hell - my comment is the same as Raquel's. After that story, I will also buy you a fruity, girlish beverage the next (nay, first) time I see you.

Worthington P. Foxtrotty said...

This is no surprise. The Irish are notoriously incapable of retaining gainful employment, even of the most menial type. Especially an Irishman of Hebrite descent such as this -- truly the worst of both worlds!

Worthington P. Foxtrotty said...

Mind you, I do not wish to cast aspersions on all of the Hebrite persuasion... There are many fine exemplars, such as the Greek Youkilis, to be found!

Boatdrinks said...

Hey, I just saw that Mister Varitek decided $5 million was better than nuttin'. Am I happy? We'll see.

SmartyBarrett said...


Well, yeah, if you consider 1976's Network to be outdated...