Monday, January 5, 2009

Jeff Jagodzinski's Resignation Letter


We here at Mass Hysteria have obtained an exclusive copy of BC football coach Jeff Jagodzinski's resignation letter, submitted to BC athletic director Gene DiFillipo. Enjoy:


Dear Gene,

After hearing of your “if you interview with the Jets, you’ll be fired from this job” decree, I would like to take this opportunity to tender my resignation as the head football coach at Boston College. I do so with a heavy heart and some reservations, but, to put it bluntly, I don’t need this shit.

While it’s cute and all that you don’t want Boston College to be seen as a “stepping stone” for bigger and better jobs, the fact remains that BC football is, at best, the gateway drug to more lucrative, better-paying opportunities, and at worst, a black hole of impossible admissions standards and misguided expectations, surrounded by sub-par training facilities and a stadium smaller than a low-level Texas high school. This, Gene, is almost entirely your fault, as was your ill-fated decision to join the ACC and force me and the BC football program to compete regularly with the Florida States of the world, as well as other colleges that view their football program as a successful (and profitable) source of pride.

Seriously Gene, your horribly misguided view of BC as a Harvard-esque school with USC-esque football expectations has set back this program decades. Take the Under Armour High School All-American game last night as an example. Maybe you didn’t notice that not one of those kids was a BC recruit, but I sure did. Do you know why? Perhaps it's because it’s goddamned impossible to walk into a five-star recruit’s house and lure them up to the freezing cold of Boston, thousands of miles from their home, to play in front of maybe 30,000 fans who generally don’t share their same concentration of skin pigmentation. Not to mention the admissions standards you’ve set for the school – if you listened to any of the interviews, it’s abundantly clear that most five-star recruits lack the ability to read or speak the English language. In a related story, a large number of them are going to Miami and Florida State, who, oh by the way, play in our conference. So yeah, thanks a pantload for that. The last two top-150 recruits that BC landed were Jim Unis, who never played a down after having concussion problems, and Brian Toal, whose injury history would make Chris Chandler blush if he didn’t have the ability to blush concussed out of him.

No, what I and my predecessor have instead been forced to do is take low-level recruits and maximize the hell out of their limited potential. And I must say, we’ve done a damn good job at it. We took a lightly-recruited quarterback from Pennsylvania with no wideouts to throw to and turned him into the highest-paid rookie in NFL history, and this year’s NFL Rookie of the Year. We took a fat Hatian kid from Somerville High and made him a first-round offensive tackle. We’re probably going to turn out two first-round picks this year, neither of whom were on the national recruiting radar when they entered BC. We’re responsible for more NFL linemen than Burger King, and it ain’t because we’ve got world-class training facilities or a steady stream of Orlando Paces walking in the door. We’ve made bowl games for nine consecutive years, winning eight of them, often over more talented teams. Simply put, both myself and my predecessor have been forced to make chicken salad out of chicken shit, and we’ve done so with an astounding level of success given the circumstances.

But yet I persevered. Even though you hired me on the cheap, I still coached the undermanned Eagles to two straight ACC Championship games. I won 20 games over a two-year span. I beat three ranked teams this year, three ranked teams last year, and shut out Notre Dame 17-0. I beat Miami at home and Florida State and VaTech on the road. I brought the Eagles up to #2 in the AP poll, the school’s highest ranking ever. For that, you’d think I’d get a pay raise, or at least some sort of recognition of my accomplishments. But nope, not a damn thing.

Yet, somehow, the New York Jets found me to be a competent enough football coach to strongly consider me for the head coach position of one of the two National Football League teams in America’s biggest media market. Enough, in fact, to fly me down (first class, I might add) to their facility in order to be given the opportunity to interview for the vacant head coach position. Does that mean that I’ll certainly be the next coach of the New York Jets? Of course not. But, as I’ve learned from being ignored by you for two years, it sure is nice to be wanted and recognized for your accomplishments, and for that reason, I am planning on bringing my best suit to New York and seeing what may come.

Due to the mere threat of this “indiscretion,” you have threatened to fire me, so it is with this letter that I would like to take the preemptive strike by telling you that I quit. I’m done. Find yourself another lackey to saddle with impossible odds and unrealistic expectations. Underpay some other longtime assistant, and hope and pray that he comes even remotely close to the work that both myself and Tom O’Brien have done for BC over the last decade. And if that coach is skilled and competent enough to somehow pull off the miracle work that has been done at BC lately, I’ll have a hearty laugh when he too leaves you for sunnier pastures.

Best of luck (because you're sure gonna need it),

-Coach Jags

5 comments:

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

You realize if Jags gets this job, that both NY football teams will be run by former BC coaches.

Pepster said...

Well said GHABBY, well said.

Boatdrinks said...

Ha hahahahaha
I think you were quite polite, Coach Jags.

Shaun said...

Excellent post. Fuck Gene.

nfsffw said...

Looks like a done deal. For fuck's sake, it's not like he interviewed at NC State or something.