Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Dear Sir, Eat A Bag of Dicks: Oklahoma

Ooooooooklahoma where the dicks come blowing through the plains! Oklahom-a? More like Oklahom-o, AMI RITE OR AMIRITE? *waits for high five*

(High five me motherfuckers! There, much better.)

Both myself and God hate Oklahoma, myself for their soon-to-be-defeated challenge of the mighty Florida Gators, and God for them, well, being Oklahoma. God has already smited Oklahoma with dozens of tornadoes and a desolate, trailer park ridden landscape, and the Gators shall put the final nail in that coffin tomorrow night by serving Oklahoma something that they’re quite accustomed to, and something deeply ingrained in their culture: bags of dicks.

For those not familiar with history, Oklahoma was originally referred to as “Indian Territory;" a haven for those Native Americans who hadn’t been killed by smallpox blankets or children in cowboy costumes. It was ruled by Chief Runs With Dick Bags, who demanded that the surviving tribes in the territory eat bags of Buffalo dicks every day to ward off the White Man. However, the White Man, in search of a place to dump sewage from Texas, established Oklahoma as the 46th state in 1907, nicknaming it the “Sooner State,” as in “the Sooner we get the fuck out of here, the better.” Oklahoma’s fine tradition of dick-eating still remained though, as the poor, unfortunate souls left to remain in the desolate state followed the Native Americans’ lead and turned Bags of Dicks into the State Food of Oklahoma. That’s a fucking fact. Look it up.

Soon after Oklahoma was granted statehood, it’s most famous resident, WWE broadcaster Jim Ross, was born. J.R. was raised on bags of dicks, and coined the term “slobberknocker” after his particular dick-eating method, where he would “slobber” on dicks until they “knocked” up against his lower intestine, forcing him to shit in his ten gallon hat. In fact, it was J.R.’s attempt in the mid-90s to cut dicks out of his diet that forced his bout with Bell’s Palsy, causing half his face to look like Droopy Dog. Sure, you can call a wrestling match J.R., but let’s see you drink a glass of water without spilling any on your shirt? (too soon?) It’s a little-known fact that the special ingredient in J.R.’s famous Bar-B-Q sauce is actually dick powder, and a little cumin. Cumin his face that is! (not that ol Numbface would feel it though!) BAH GAWD, THAT'S BAG OF DICK'S MUSIC! DICK BAG! DICK BAG! DICK BAG!

Over time, Oklahoma would give birth to numerous other dick-eaters, including Dr. Phil, Garth Brooks, Garth Brooks’ alter ego Chris Gaines, and Oral Roberts, whose dick-eating joke pretty much writes itself. Brad Pitt was born in Oklahoma, and had his manliness from Fight Club sapped by the power of Angelina Jolie’s hunger for other people's babies and dick bags. Johnny Bench learned his catcher’s squat from sitting on bags of dicks, and the pop group Hanson, well, those chicks certainly mmmBopped their way around a bag of dicks or two in their day.

But it’s not just famous musicians, preachers, androgynous rock groups and wrestling announcers that came from Oklahoma, as the state also somehow takes pride in their OU football program, of which Brian Bosworth is their greatest player. You remember the Boz, don’t you? He was last seen getting runned the fuck over by Bo Jackson, or starring in such cinematic vehicles as “One Tough Bastard,” “Back in Business” and “Retarded Haircut Fueled By Steroids.” Oh, wait, that last one was his one-man show, not an actual movie, my bad. His upcoming feature, “Eating a Bag of Dicks” is sure to go straight to DVD.

But the Boz isn’t the only OU failure populating the nation’s unemployment lines and guzzling down the nation’s dick-bag supply. Jason White was last seen hawking his Heisman on eBay for dick money, and Josh Heupel’s request to quarterback a local beer-league flag football team was recently denied due to his dick habit. Marcus Dupree and Jamelle Holieway failed out of school despite majoring in “Dick Eating” at OU, and Charles Thompson was sent to prison for illegal sale of dicks, uh, I mean cocaine. In fact, the only good thing that the OU football program has ever produced is Barry Switzer, who spent his days drinking combatively, asking to see Charles Haley’s penis and fucking anything with tits and a pulse. I hate Oklahoma, but Barry Switzer actually was kind of awesome.

Meanwhile, OU’s current football team may be the most egregious offender in school history, if only because Jonas Brother With Downs Syndrome Sam Bradford, the Colt Brennan of 2008, usurped the Heisman Trophy from its rightful recipient, the Great and Powerful Tebow. Yeah Sam, congrats on putting up huge numbers against defenses full of quadriplegics and amputees. You sure deserve an award for that accomplishment. But it ain’t the Heisman you drooling ‘tard. No, the award you get is a big ol’ Bag of Dicks. And don’t worry if you can’t finish them now, you’ll have plenty of time next year in Detroit to eat all the dicks you want.


Most of all though, I feel bad for the residents of Oklahoma, especially after the on-field raping that Tebow, Brandon Spikes, Percy Harvin and the Gators will lay on them tomorrow night. I mean, look at their state. They voted 66-34 for John McCain in the recent election, the biggest McCain vote in the country. That’s one big dick plate of fail. They stole the Sonics from Seattle, using Clay Bennet’s dick bag riches to create the Thunder, a sound made when the entire state eats their dicks at once. Tornadoes regularly touch down all over Oklahoma, sweeping up double-wide trailers full of dicks across the state. They’ve got T-Boone Pickens building Dick Farms, uh, I mean wind farms, all over the state, and their landscape is generally referred to as the “Dust Bowl.” Fear not though Oklahomans, for after tomorrow night, you will no longer be the Dust Bowl. You’ll be the Dick Bowl, the same desolate, dick-eating area you’ve always been, tinged with the sour taste of defeat. I can only hope that your bags of dicks can help ease the pain of second place.

Special thanks to commenter NFSFFW and his partner in crime, newwavegurly for creating this awesome gif for us, which you can also see on their blog. NFSFFW has the early lead for commenter of the year, though we certainly can be bought, and encourage any and all MH-related gifs from our commenteratti.


Matt T said...

As much as I hate the Gators and Tebow, this post was awesomesauce and the gif was the cherry on top

nfsffw said...

“the Sooner we get the fuck out of here, the better"


Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

If anyone wants to score points with me; please figure out a way to superimpose Tyrese Rice's head on Rambo's body.

Pepster said...

Very good post. I enjoyed it. Not as much as I am going to enjoy the BCS championship game tomorrow evening from Dolphin Stadium (or the Hard Rock Casino 10 miles away if I decide to sell my ticket).

Billy Sims actually was pretty awesome, though.

Zach Martin said...

I am way late on a post done by Raquel about the Giants and your comments\ nsfffw about he Cubs:

You are right, but miss the point completely, I think. The Cubs in no way could afford Manny. They had to trade DeRosa (and soon Marquis) just to sign Bradley (if you haven't heard the Trib declared bankruptcy). Things are tight. Signing Bradley was a complete fuck up, but not because they didn't sign Manny (who is too expensive anyway), but because they didn't sign Adam Dunn, who would have cost them about the same.

In summation, I agree, but I think you missed a major factor in the decision making process.

nfsffw said...

You'll never get an argument from me that Manny's too expensive, but I didn't put 2+2 together on the Trib bankruptcy.

GHABB,Y~! said...

If Dunn gets the 3/30 that Bradley got, he needs to fire his agent ASAP. Dunn will get at least 12-14 per year, even in this tapped market. Chicks dig the long ball.

nfsffw said...

And somewhere, Ben Sheets awaits Theo's call.

Rocco said...

Go OU! Sorry, I just can't root for any team from Florida.

AnubianWolf said...

Florida outnumbers Oklahoma 2:1 in trailers (look it up), 10:1 in FEMA $$ handed out for hurricane disasters vs. tornado calamities, and 2500:1 in gay-ass Cuban waiters. That's where your dick-bag supply has gone.

Hell, even a HOF'er from Oklahoma (Lee Roy Selmon) couldn't drag a Florida team up from utter worthlessness. His greatness, as well as big brother Deweys averageness, kept the Bucs from being disbanded for lack of interest. Name any other player from the 1976 Bucs.

Good luck with your (home) bowl game. You'll need it.

I LOVE YOU said...


Tulsan said...

Oklahoma was not founded as a place to dump losers from Texas. It was founded as a place to dump losers from Missouri.

Ian said...

Quoting Sports Illustrated about Oklahoma, "its football program has the best winning percentage of any Division I-FBS team since the introduction of the AP Poll in 1936". Enough said. Damn Mexans