Ooooooooklahoma where the dicks come blowing through the plains! Oklahom-a? More like Oklahom-o, AMI RITE OR AMIRITE? *waits for high five*
(High five me motherfuckers! There, much better.)
Both myself and God hate Oklahoma, myself for their soon-to-be-defeated challenge of the mighty Florida Gators, and God for them, well, being Oklahoma. God has already smited Oklahoma with dozens of tornadoes and a desolate, trailer park ridden landscape, and the Gators shall put the final nail in that coffin tomorrow night by serving Oklahoma something that they’re quite accustomed to, and something deeply ingrained in their culture: bags of dicks.
For those not familiar with history, Oklahoma was originally referred to as “Indian Territory;" a haven for those Native Americans who hadn’t been killed by smallpox blankets or children in cowboy costumes. It was ruled by Chief Runs With Dick Bags, who demanded that the surviving tribes in the territory eat bags of Buffalo dicks every day to ward off the White Man. However, the White Man, in search of a place to dump sewage from Texas, established Oklahoma as the 46th state in 1907, nicknaming it the “Sooner State,” as in “the Sooner we get the fuck out of here, the better.” Oklahoma’s fine tradition of dick-eating still remained though, as the poor, unfortunate souls left to remain in the desolate state followed the Native Americans’ lead and turned Bags of Dicks into the State Food of Oklahoma. That’s a fucking fact. Look it up.
Soon after Oklahoma was granted statehood, it’s most famous resident, WWE broadcaster Jim Ross, was born. J.R. was raised on bags of dicks, and coined the term “slobberknocker” after his particular dick-eating method, where he would “slobber” on dicks until they “knocked” up against his lower intestine, forcing him to shit in his ten gallon hat. In fact, it was J.R.’s attempt in the mid-90s to cut dicks out of his diet that forced his bout with Bell’s Palsy, causing half his face to look like Droopy Dog. Sure, you can call a wrestling match J.R., but let’s see you drink a glass of water without spilling any on your shirt? (too soon?) It’s a little-known fact that the special ingredient in J.R.’s famous Bar-B-Q sauce is actually dick powder, and a little cumin. Cumin his face that is! (not that ol Numbface would feel it though!) BAH GAWD, THAT'S BAG OF DICK'S MUSIC! DICK BAG! DICK BAG! DICK BAG!
Over time, Oklahoma would give birth to numerous other dick-eaters, including Dr. Phil, Garth Brooks, Garth Brooks’ alter ego Chris Gaines, and Oral Roberts, whose dick-eating joke pretty much writes itself. Brad Pitt was born in Oklahoma, and had his manliness from Fight Club sapped by the power of Angelina Jolie’s hunger for other people's babies and dick bags. Johnny Bench learned his catcher’s squat from sitting on bags of dicks, and the pop group Hanson, well, those chicks certainly mmmBopped their way around a bag of dicks or two in their day.
But it’s not just famous musicians, preachers, androgynous rock groups and wrestling announcers that came from Oklahoma, as the state also somehow takes pride in their OU football program, of which Brian Bosworth is their greatest player. You remember the Boz, don’t you? He was last seen getting runned the fuck over by Bo Jackson, or starring in such cinematic vehicles as “One Tough Bastard,” “Back in Business” and “Retarded Haircut Fueled By Steroids.” Oh, wait, that last one was his one-man show, not an actual movie, my bad. His upcoming feature, “Eating a Bag of Dicks” is sure to go straight to DVD.
But the Boz isn’t the only OU failure populating the nation’s unemployment lines and guzzling down the nation’s dick-bag supply. Jason White was last seen hawking his Heisman on eBay for dick money, and Josh Heupel’s request to quarterback a local beer-league flag football team was recently denied due to his dick habit. Marcus Dupree and Jamelle Holieway failed out of school despite majoring in “Dick Eating” at OU, and Charles Thompson was sent to prison for illegal sale of dicks, uh, I mean cocaine. In fact, the only good thing that the OU football program has ever produced is Barry Switzer, who spent his days drinking combatively, asking to see Charles Haley’s penis and fucking anything with tits and a pulse. I hate Oklahoma, but Barry Switzer actually was kind of awesome.
Meanwhile, OU’s current football team may be the most egregious offender in school history, if only because Jonas Brother With Downs Syndrome Sam Bradford, the Colt Brennan of 2008, usurped the Heisman Trophy from its rightful recipient, the Great and Powerful Tebow. Yeah Sam, congrats on putting up huge numbers against defenses full of quadriplegics and amputees. You sure deserve an award for that accomplishment. But it ain’t the Heisman you drooling ‘tard. No, the award you get is a big ol’ Bag of Dicks. And don’t worry if you can’t finish them now, you’ll have plenty of time next year in Detroit to eat all the dicks you want.
Special thanks to commenter NFSFFW and his partner in crime, newwavegurly for creating this awesome gif for us, which you can also see on their blog. NFSFFW has the early lead for commenter of the year, though we certainly can be bought, and encourage any and all MH-related gifs from our commenteratti.