The C’s have now lost five of seven after shitting all over themselves last night in Charlotte (FUCKING CHARLOTTE! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A STICK!). This, to paraphrase the great “Ted” Theodore Logan, is most un-triumphant. Now, I previously discussed my stages of loss regarding this disturbing trend, but, given that a new presidency is coming up and all, it’s a time to look for solutions.
It’s become blatantly obvious lately that the C’s main problem is not the age of their main stars of the shooting woes of a particular multitalented point guard or even the declining stats of one Mr. Intensity Kevin Garnett. Nay, the C’s glaring weakness is their complete and total absence of any depth whatsoever, both in the frontcourt and at the guard positions. With Glen Davis playing like the current-day Oliver Miller, Leon Powe having Badassness Removal Surgery in the offseason and Brian Scalabrine fucking EXISTING, the Celtics’ frontcourt depth has been weaker than CC Sabathia’s New Year’s Resolution to hit the gym every day. Meanwhile, the backcourt depth relies on Tony Allen, who at last check, continues to be Tony Allen. Things, as Jeffrey Lebowski would note, are fucked, man.
However, C’s fans have not to fear, as I’ve assembled a (not very) well-researched list of potential signees that will not only bolster the C’s bench, but have a familiarity with the Celtic Way (not to be confused with former Giants RB Charles Way), and can therefore be plugged into the system as-is and provide an improvement over the C’s current paltry attempt at a bench. Here are only a few possible current free-agents that the C’s could easily snag and provide a much-needed upgrade to their current bench:
Kevin McHale – Perhaps no one, including Danny Ainge, has done more for the Celtics’ current roster than McHale, who gift-wrapped us KG and last year’s championship for what essentially amounted to Al Jefferson and a whole lot of nothing. McHale, the man from which I learned my dazzing array of post moves, clearly still bleeds Celtic Green, even as the current coach and former GM of a team hundreds of miles away. Now, ol’ Number 32 may be 51 years old and have surgically reconstructed ankles and feet, but he was the C’s only two-time winner of the Sixth Man Award, and a ten-time winner of the “Most Awkward Looking Dude in Short Shorts” award, narrowly beating out Paul Mokeski each time. I can’t think of any better addition to the Celtics bench than someone who clearly wants more than anything to be a Celtic again, and, at 51, is still better than any of our bench options in the frontcourt.
Dino Radja – In his glorious four years in Boston, Dino averaged a dazzling 16.7 points and 8.4 rebounds per game, or roughly 16.7 points and 8.4 rebounds more than the C’s are currently getting from their bench. Moreover, the Celtics currently lack the “socially awkward big Euro dude” that, if we learned anything from the Whoopi Goldberg vehicle Eddie, is essential to any winning team. Besides, Dino’s only 41, and reportedly in great shape. Moreover, the C’s would reap instant millions from inserting clips of Dino to go along with Gino at the end of blowout wins. Say that out loud for a second: Dino and Gino. Gino and Dino. License to print money folks, license to print money.
Dana Barros – Barros is another 41-year-old just lookin’ for a chance, and would give the C’s the all-important “local kid makes good” element that they sorely lack. The Xaverian High product (known for their annual Thanksgiving Day beatings at the hands of the mighty St. John’s Prep Eagles) even currently works in the C’s marketing department, so Doc would only have to call Dana-burger (points for anyone who gets that reference) downstairs to let him suit up and become an immediate improvement to Eddie House. Besides, Barros reportedly could use the money after the Dana Barros Sports Complex in Mansfield went under, sending him into massive amounts of debt. Help a local brother out and bring back Barros!
Thomas Hamilton – Think about it. The opposition has been worn down by Perk and KG for a quarter, and just as they think they’re about to get a reprieve, we roll out the tandem of Big Baby Davis and the 360-pound Thomas Hamilton. Imagine the Bash Brothers in the Mighty Ducks 2, or the tag team of Akeem and the Big Boss Man. That’s what Big Baby and Thomas Hamilton would be like, minus throwing Randy Savage onto Miss Elizabeth and causing the breakup of the Mega-Powers. Fat guys of the world, unite!
Rick Fox – Aside from Ray Allen, the Celtics are not exactly the stuff of GQ layouts. Paul Pierce has these weird scars all over his face, Sam Cassell is an alien and Brian Scalabrine is Brian Scalabrine. This team obviously needs an injection of the pretty, and Rick Fox would bring that in spades. Fox is so pretty that HE divorced Vanessa Williams. He’s so pretty that nobody raped him on Oz. He’s so pretty that he once guest starred on One Tree Hill, which, while I never watched the show, was apparently on the CW network, which only allows pretty people on their shows. Fox would bring his pretty to the Celtics’ bench, distracting any budding Amaechis on opposite teams with his sexy Italian/Canadian/Bahamian-ness and his inexplicable Adrian Grenier haircut. I’m just sayin he’s an attractive man, no homo, obvs.
Seriously, look at that man and tell me he's not pretty. The chieseled features, the finely coiffed hair, the stunning jawline...he's pretty, I'm just sayin.