Monday, January 26, 2009

Breaking News: Not Every Pedroia May be as Awesome as Dustin

"Now Dustin, point where he touched you."

According to KCRA out of Sacramento, Brett Pedroia, the 29-year-old brother of MVP and Gentile David Eckstein Dustin Pedroia, has been taken into police custody on a probable cause warrant for two counts of "oral copulation and lewd acts with a child under the age of 14." Basically, Big Bro is being accused of being a pederast, though Sporting Blog writer and fellow Woodland, CA resident Tom Ziller notes that the entire town is professing Brett's innocence, and that "the family is royalty in this town."

Now, I don't know whether Brett Pedroia got a beej from a preteen (or whether getting a hummer from a girl in braces scratches up your junk not that I've ever thought of that), but I would like to take this opportunity to note the frustration felt by heterosexual males on a regular basis when it comes to underage girls. Go to the gym, or the movies on a Friday night, or Chuck E Cheese on a Wednesday afternoon and you'll see scores of young, nubile young women dressed in barely anything at all. Society, public decorum and the laws of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts tell us that we can't act upon our impulses, but when the girl on the elliptical machine in front of you is wearing supertight shorts with the word "Juicy" or "Hottt" or "Open for Business" on the ass, the heterosexual male mind can't help but drift to thoughts of lust. Do we act on these thoughts? Obviously not. But for fuck's sake, these teenage girls sure make it goddamned difficult for us to be law-abiding citizens who don't stick their penises in underage girls. STOP DRESSING LIKE WHORES SO MUCH GODDAMNIT YOURE DRIVING US FUCKING INSANE AAAHHH.

Waitasec, the article didn't say if it was a boy or girl he was accused of molesting, did it? Cause if it was a boy, well, then lock that fucking perv in a cell with a bunch of angry Aryans and tell the guards to look the other way for an hour. Fucking pedo scum of the earth boy-fucker. That shit is gross.

Of course I mean, um, innocent until proven guilty and all that stuff.

4 comments:

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Waitasec, the article didn't say if it was a boy or girl he was accused of molesting, did it?

Yes it did.

The alleged victim recently told his parent about the incidents from four years ago, a statement from Woodland police said.

Which you already knew, because you described him as "accused of being a pederast"....

GHABB,Y~! said...

Oooh, didn't catch that pronoun. Still, teenage girls are hot, that's my point.

SmartyBarrett said...

Gentile David Eckstein Dustin Pedroia

Comparing Dustin Pedroia to David Eckstein is like comparing Jesus Christ to the religious guy who wears a sandwich board and hands out pamphlets outside Fenway.

Rocco said...

I'd hate to be a middle or high school teacher now a days.