Friday, January 30, 2009

Attention Good Sir, Please Consume A Phallic Entree: The Pitts-burgh Steel-Men

What ho, dear friends! It is I, your loyal servant W.P. Foxtrotty, taking a brief respite from my winter slumbers to report on the impending championship of foots-ball!

You surely know, gentle Reader, that discussion of foots-ball is but an avocation for me when compared to my primay bailiwick of bases-ball, and that I am loathe to consider acknowledging, let alone favoring, a French foots-ball club that currently plays in Mexico. However, even I cannot resist favoring such a Papist lot when the opponents of the day are that rabble of subhuman Pennsylvanian homonculii known as the Pitts-burgh Steel-Men!!! Which is why I submit my humble invocation: Pitts-burgh Steel-Men, I beseech you to partake of a cannibalistic feast of thy own male organs!

If one has not cast eyes upon the Pitts-burgh, that foul settlement at the conjunction of the filth-streams called "Al-egh Eny", "Mo-Non-Ga-He-La", and "Ohio" that besmirches the very names of the great William Pitt Sr. and Jr. by its mere existence, then one does not realize that the stench of the place -- a fetid conglomerate of sweat, manure, horse urine, smoke, and coal dust -- is detectable as far away as Harris-burgh. It is populated by a corpulent, lethargic sub-breed of homo sapiens whose main concerns are, in order, (1) the manufacture of steel, (2) buggery, (3) whingeing, and (4) buggery-related whoring.

Degenerate Pitts-burgh Cretins At Work

Dear friends, have you ever made the acquaintance of a stinking pile of flesh with a surname out of some ill-bred Slavic line, who wants to talk of naught but the various "thefts" that have cost his team "assured" championships? Or have you run across a freed Negro who lacks any discernable skills other than (a) running and (b) making excuses for the long and aembarassing litany of failures he accumulated due to his lack of discernable skills other than running and excuse-making? Why then, friend, you have had the dubious honor of meeting none other than a member of the Pitts-burgh Steel-Men! If the Slavic oaf's complaints were sequelled by a gigantic belch and an explosion of diarrheae, then you may instead have encountered one of the team's not-even-pitiable fanbase. You have my deepest sympathies, my poor soul! May Death someday free you of the pain of such an encounter!

A Typical Conversation Amongst Pittsburgh Whores

If, on the other hand, you are a connoisseur of sinful bestiality, then may I introduce you to the women of the Pitts-burgh! Surely the Lord God would look more kindly upon fornication with a goat, or the blow-hole of a porpoise, than upon any form of mating with these horse-faced monstrosities. In my day, I have seen more feminine beauty in the piles of sardine entrails at my father's cannery than I have seen in all of Pitts-burgh.

Finalists in the "Queen of Pitts-Burgh Pageant"

But why, you may ask, is such a pock on the fair face of America allowed to continue in its existence? Why has not the odious Pitts-burgh been culled from the flock, like the crippled lamb or the flatulent heifer? Because, dear friends, one must always have a chamber-pot if one wishes to keep one's chamber clean. In this case, the fair city of Philadelphia, the shining diadem of Penn's noble crown, must have an outlet for its sewage. As the faeces of the Boston masses is poured into the network of sewers and tanques septique, so the detrius and scum of Philadelphia are pour'd into the Pitts-burgh, the better to keep the City of Brotherly Love both brotherly and lovely.

But the line must be drawn somewhere! And the admittedly rough and tawdry name of foots-ball shall not be further sullied by this loutish lot of Steel-Men and their incessant buggery and whingeing!

Pitts-burgh Steel-Men Preparing For Buggery

And so, Pitts-burgh, may you feast upon male secondary sexual characteristics this week-end! Viva the Papists for this weekend only!


GHABB,Y~! said...

I'm GHABB,Y, and I approved this message.

Raquel said...

"Buggery" is old people-speak for "buttsex," right?

J said...

Wouldn't you like to know...

Worthington P. Foxtrotty said...

"Buggery" is old people-speak for "buttsex," right?

Coarsely put, harlot... but accurate.

Christmas Ape said...

Prolix writing is almost like old-timey writing!

And foots-ball played before 2001 must seem antiquated to Boston fans. Did any of you watch a Nationalized Foots-ball League game prior to February 2002? I lay my lucre on the side of no.

Bandwagon habitues are you.

nfsffw said...

Ape,that would an impressive rant if it weren't coming from someone who was born into 4 rings. I betcha had a "One for the Thumb" bib, dincha?
Tough painting with that broad brush - I've been a Pats fan since the late 60's. Yep, I'm an old fuck and I suffered through close to 40 years of Pats and Sox torture.
Just sayin' we all don't fit your mold, and I'm sure there's a couple good looking women in Pitts too - I actually met one last year.
Good luck to your Beloveds today, hope that D doesn't actually kill somebody.