Thursday, January 22, 2009

"Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding"

Flip over to today and you can see the glorious relatively new OT Blog section that features such masters of the word as Bob Lobel and Chad Finn. Usually their posts are nothing to write home about, its certainly closer to newspaper etiquette than the dick jokes, boobs, and hot hockey writer posts you see over here. In most cases I don't even bother reading it because, well they are usually rather boring. Well today, they caught my eye with the headline "Bring Manny Back"......wait, WHAT? Go ahead and read the article, Charles Pierce tries to make a legitimate argument to bring Manny back to Boston. This is pure, insane bullshit. Why the fuck would we bring back a malcontent douchebag who was a terrible teammate, hated this city, and tanked it so management would be forced to trade him. Jesus Christ, I think its safe to say that Pierce is probably the only guy in Boston that would want to have him back. I mean I talked to my friend Stevie in Revere and he said "Yeah dude, if Manny comes back to Boston I'll fawking throw him off the Tobin, Fawk him."

The only logical explanation I can come up with is that Pierce licked some Samoan Insanity Toads, and chugged a bottle of absinthe before he wrote this. It's the only thing that makes this seem real. But hey Chuck, while we are at there are a whole shitload of other Boston castaways that are looking for jobs lets bring them all back:

1. Nomar Garciaparra: Still unemployed, having spent 1,235 games in the past four seasons on the DL. No other team is looking for a "washed up, injury plagued, light hitter-shitty defensive" firstbaseman shortstop. So what Mr. Hamm basically did what Manny did and sulked his way out of town, HE IS BETTER THAN JULIO LUGO.

2. Jay Payton: A solid fourth outfielder, who truthfully believes that he should be an everyday starter yet has expressed interest in coming back to the Sox as a backup. Also believes that evolution is fake, Santa Claus is real, and that babies come from a stork. If Tito can handle the Manny bullshit for years and years, he can deal with a valid protection plan for the Sickle Cell- Ebola ridden Baldelli.

3. Shea Hillenbrand: A disciple of Jeff Kent, who wants to see the gays and cripples banished from the earth. Thinks AIDS is a gift from god. Unfortunately no team wants to take the risk right now of taking a light fielding corner man who swings at everything from his eye balls to his toes. It would also be tough for Hillenbrand to coexist with Varitek (if he comes back), because Tek let "those faggots" from "Fudgepacking Eye for the Straight Guy" touch him on National TV. But every team needs an untalented irrational shit head right?

4. Carl Everett: Spent last season humping the jungles of Cambodia looking for the fountain of youth, because he claims the Bible told him it was there. Only found Malaria. Age does not seem to be a factor for him, because if Noah could live to be 800 years old so could he. Would love to come back to the Red Sox because they finally got rid of that honky cracker piece of shit Jimy. Would fit in well with the Sox because after Julian Tavarez left, the Sox are looking for someone who is bat shit insane for brawls with the Rays. Unfortunately, would assault traveling secretaries as well.

5. Pedro Martinez: Left Red Sox after 2004 to join the Mets in a move that would make Steve Phillips poud. After losing basically his entire skill set, is trying to reinvent himself for the 12th time. Lost all his Mojo when his cute little midget Nelson passed away. This time he is looking to reinvent himself as "Changeup pitcher, constantly hurt, whose fastball is 79mph and change up 77". Pitching shoulder is held together by plantain husks and mango skins. Could fill the, "PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RETIRE" void that Mike Timlin has left.

There Pierce, I came up with a list of players we could add that would also give Boston the, oh gee shucks its great to have him back feeling. Did I miss anyone?


GHABB,Y~! said...

You forgot the ambidextrous Greg Harris. When his left arm gets tired, he can throw with his right! And vice versa!

stanley cup of chowder said...

Did anyone call Ugueth Urbina and see if he is available?....oh wait

Maybe Izzy Alcantara is still looking for work.

Anyone know Oil Can's cell number?