Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Was Kevin Brown Not Available?

1 comments

ZOMG THE YANKEES ACQUIRED JAVIER VAZQUEZ!!!!!!!! BRO HE IS GOING TO BE OUR NUMBER FOUR STARTER NEXT YEAR, AND WE GOT HIM FOR NEXT TA NOTHIN'! HE CAME IN FOURTH LAST YEAR IN CY YOUNG VOTIN!


HZMLS: Hey pal, do you remember this? October 20, 2004
BOSTON              IP  H  R ER BB SO HR  ERA
__________________ _________________________

Lowe (W, 1-0) 6.0 1 1 1 1 3 0 3.18
Martinez 1.0 3 2 2 0 1 0 6.23
Timlin 1.2 1 0 0 1 1 0 4.75
Embree 0.1 0 0 0 0 0 0 3.86

NEW YORK IP H R ER BB SO HR ERA
__________________ _________________________

Brown (L, 0-1) 1.1 4 5 5 2 1 1 21.60
Vazquez 2.0 2 3 3 5 2 2 9.95 <<<<<----WOWZAHS
Loaiza 3.0 4 0 0 0 2 0 1.42
Heredia 0.2 0 0 0 0 0 0 0.00
Gordon 1.2 3 2 2 0 0 1 8.10


Rivera 0.1 0 0 0 0 0 0 1.29

Basically you are getting a pitcher who sucked on the big stage, but could pitch well in Atlanta, where no one gives a shit about baseball. Enjoy New York, pal.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Mike Lowell isn't going anywhere

1 comments

Sometimes I get the feeling that I am in the minority in just about everything that involves the Red Sox. So color me disappointed when I heard that old man Lowell is going to be coming back for another year with the Red Sox. Let me start this post off by saying that I appreciate all that Lowell did for the Red Sox especially in 2007. But since he resigned with the Sox after the World Series, he has been a major disappointment. His .OBP has dropped 40 points, .OPS .50, he only could play 120 games last year, and his defense ohhhhh his defense.

His UZR/150 in 2007 was 8.0 which is phenomenal!
His UZR/150 in 2008 was 15.4 which is even better!
His UZR/150 in 2009 was -14.4 which is ATROCIOUS.

and
His UZR in 2007 was 7.3 which is great!
His UZR in 2008 was 11.1 which is AWESOME!
His UZR in 2009 was -10.4 which is VOMIT INDUCING!

Basically, Mike Lowell is a great person, and still a very serviceable player, but his skills are disintegrating at a tremendous pace. True these are stats, and they can be completely ignored to make your point (see Ellsbury, Jacoby), but just watch him. He runs like my grandfather, and can't make the plays he used to. So he fails a physical, is going to need surgery, and for the foreseeable future he is our mess. There is always the possibility that they could trade him in 6-8 weeks, but at that point all other options could be gone. Goddamn it. Every day that passes it looks like Casey Kotchman is going to be our starting 1st baseman. Is it possible that Lowell could turn everything around? There is a slim chance that could happen, but more likely we are seeing the end of a great career.

Ron Brace the defense looks to you

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Ty Warren. Out.
Vince Wilfork. Out.
Myron Prior. Out.

Now with all of these injuries the Pats should be royally fucked. But they aren't, for you see they have a secret weapon that has been sitting on the bench all year. A defensive player, who is being groomed to replace Vince Wilfork when he leaves to get that huge payday from the St. Louis Rams next year. His name is Ron Brace, and he graduated from Boston College last year, where he and BJ Raji last year combined to eat and destroy most opposing D's.

Brace isn't as large as Raji, but last year he had quite a season. As a BC fan, I literally shat my pants when the Pats drafted him in the second round last year, well ok not literally. But as the season progressed and undrafted Prior played more and more, I was curious, where the hell was Brace? Too dumb to pick up on Belichick's schemes? Not good enough? Well today should be a good barometer of what we can expect from the LARGE rookie. And what better team to play against than the Bills who are led by J.P Losman, Trent Edwards, Ryan Fitzpatrick. Who the fuck knows, their QB situation is awful. Brace has never been a pass rusher, he is bred in a similar style to Wilfork, which is to be a run stopper. Which is perfect timing because the Bills have a particularly good runner in :

Otherwise this game should be a walk in the park for the Pats. As long as Brady is in one piece he is better than anyone on the Bills, and if the O-Line can prevent Aaron Schoebel from killing him this one is in the bag. Randy Moss, contrary to the "Manny treatment" the Boston Media has unleashed on him, has not given up on his team, and probably will scorch the Bills secondary for 100+ yards. On a side note, fuck you Boston media for questioning Moss, he is been our unquestioned leader for years, and you question his heart because of a dropped pass, a misrun route, and a fumble? Blow me.

Pats win this one easy. Patriots 24 Bills 10

Friday, December 18, 2009

Random Fantasy Sports Challenge!!!

1 comments
Boohooo HZMLS knows more about college football than me and I can't handle it!

We are having one of those fantasy College Bowl Pick Em Challenges over at ESPN. There are no prizes given away by us, because well, Smarty GHABBY and I are friggin poor. Instead you can win the smug satisfaction that you are smarter than three nerdy white boys from Massachusetts. Do you know who is going to win the Meineke Car Care Bowl? Who you got Wyoming or Fresno State?

This is the link to join, can you do any less?
http://games.espn.go.com/bowlmania/en/group?groupID=4366


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Jacoby Ellsbury > Ricky Henderson; Adrian Gonzalez Kills Puppies

4 comments

Apparently, right? At least that's what the yahoo Sox fans would lead you to believe, as detailed by HZMLS earlier. And now the media is getting in on it, too. Great.

/affixes FJM cap

Turning around and trading Ellsbury would result in a steal for Padres

A steal! I get it! I get jokes!

Obviously, we are sensing the proverbial next shoe is about to drop. If it is Adrian Gonzalez (with an outside shot at Miguel Cabrera), which would be a ginormous move by the Red Sox to cap what would be an eye-popping offseason, then what is there not to like?

Well if it's Miguel Cabrera I may have a few gripes, depending on whom they trade away, but if it's Gonzalez I'm all in. Seriously, just don't touch Daniel Bard and we're good. Make it happen.

Well, one thing: if one of the players going to San Diego is Jacoby Ellsbury.

No. No no no. Wrong.

If Ellsbury is the hot name from the San Diego side, then Theo Epstein should just say no.

If San Diego wants Ellsbury, I'll drive him out there myself. I'll pay for his plane ticket! Seriously, if he was the centerpiece, how ideal would that be?


Give up Ryan Westmoreland, and include a better prospect or two at the end of the deal.

A better prospect?!?! So the Sox should overpay when they don't have to?

"Hey Jed, it's Theo. Yeah, well, I know you want Jacoby, but we're sending Casey Kelly instead. ...PCP? ...no, why?"

Ellsbury is a special player who hit .301, stole 70 bases, and scored 94 runs last season, and one who plays a very good center field and is just 26 years old.

Let's break that down:

1. Batting Average: .301
As we all know, batting average is a limited stat, but even so Jacoby held his own. .301 was the third-highest average among all MLB center fielders last year. I don't have any real gripes about his hitting for average.

2. Stolen Bases: 70
Not much more I can say. Amazing.

3. Runs Scored: 94
Completely meaningless. If he got on base every single time up and had 8 Yuniesky Betancourts hitting behind him, he'd finish the season with like 3 runs scored. Does that mean he sucks? Listen carefully: RUNS SCORED IS COMPLETELY A FUNCTION OF TEAMMATES. It has little or no bearing on one's individual skills at a player.

4. Center field defense: Very good.
Well this is just WRONG. Nick Cafardo just lied to you. There he is. Sitting at his desk. Typing lies. The sonofabitch. Please go to this and sort by "fielding." Yes, Jacoby Ellsbury was the worst defensive outfielder in the game last year in terms of run prevention. The absolute worst. Or check his UZR here. 3rd worst in the game. Atrocious would be an upgrade. He is KILLING the Sox in terms of his glove. That is a fact.

And while his on-base percentage in 2009 was a pedestrian .355, it was .388 in September and October.

Yes! Small sample size! Look what he did in two months! Amazing! Even though I'm admitting his OBP sucked in general (and PARTICULARLY for a leadoff hitter), I'll throw selective endpoints at you! Did you know his OBP on (the) Justin Upton's 22nd birthday is .600?!?! Look it up! Don't trade this man!

This is a guy you want in the lineup with Gonzalez.

OK, fine. I won't disagree with that, although I'm not a huge Ellbury fan and I think he is LARGELY overrated. But OK. If you can hang onto him, fine. But declaring him untouchable is just fucking foolish.

The Padres would need Ellsbury as a poster boy for their future. In enormous Petco Park, it would be a sign to fans that the philosophy is changing and that the Padres are going with speed and pitching.

And horrible defense.

While Gonzalez is the last piece of what could be a very good lineup, trading Ellsbury eliminates a tremendously important element - speed.

I've re-written this sentence:

"While Gonzalez hits a shit-ton of homers, doubles, gets on base, hits for average, mashes the ball, plays tremendous defense, and is one of the best all-around players in baseball, Ellsbury runs fast when he gets on base! (Which is admittedly not very often.)"


Ellsbury is one of the most exciting players in the game.

Kill yourself.

With Cameron, Ellsbury, and J.D. Drew, the Red Sox have significantly improved their outfield defense.

And if they replace Ellsbury with virtually anyone who can stand upright, they'll improve it even more.

Cameron is a three-time Gold Glove center fielder who could still play there.

And would be a fuck-ton better than Jacoby.

Instead of the decision being whether Cameron will play center and whether Jeremy Hermida or Xavier Nady (also on Boston’s radar) would be in left, the hope is that the final decision is whether Ellsbury should shift to left and Cameron should play center.

God yes.

The only consideration in such a move would be leg preservation.

No. The consideration should be "Holy fuck Mike Cameron is so much better defensively than Jacoby Ellsbury it's not even funny. Even dreaming of anything else should be outlawed in all 50 states."

Epstein is right to say he is not desperate. He should not be desperate enough to trade one of the best athletes in major league baseball.

Desperate? No, absolutely not. But when you have the chance to upgrade your offense AND your defense, you do it. Period. Don't give me this "best athletes" crap. He is an above average hitter, but doesn't walk nearly enough and therefore possesses a low OBP. He's a tremendous speedster but a horrendous defender. He's expendable. Any inflation of his skills is pure unadulterated homerism. If you need to trade him for Gonzalez you do. No fucking questions asked.

Adrian Gonzalez is really really fucking good.

Stop rooting for my team... now

2 comments

I really should stay off the Boston.com message boards. After reading Nick Carfado's riveting pile of dog shit regarding the possible Ellsbury for Gonzalez trade (Smarty will be covering that later), I perused the reader comments, and found this gem from camper9574:

"Trading Ellsbury would be as smart today as trading Babe Ruth was then!

Don't be stupid!"



Did he just seriously compare Jacoby Ellsbury with arguably the best baseball player of all time? He did right? I'm not high or dead am I? Or at least he said that trading away Ellsbury would be comparable to trading away the best baseball player of all time. This is some sort of joke correct? I misread it right? No he meant it? Wow.

STOP ROOTING FOR MY TEAM. YOU'RE AN EMBARASSMENT TO MY TOWN AND CITY. WE DON'T WANT YOU AS A FAN ANYMORE, IN FACT SELL ME ALL OF YOUR TICKETS BECAUSE THE RED SOX DON'T DESERVE YOUR STINK FILLING UP FENWAY PARK. PLEASE GO ROOT FOR ANOTHER TEAM, NOW.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Wow, this is depressing

2 comments

ESPN really wants to make sure that you realize that your job pays you squat. In fact I found out John Lackey pisses on your 45k a year. 1/3 of a win and Lackey makes what you do in an entire year. If you tried to do this with Pacman Jones instead of wins the results would have come back "1 Make It Rain on 'dem hoes".

Sorry this is really random, but makes you realize how overvalued professional athletes are in this culture.

But does he have dreamy eyes? Part II

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Earlier today I posted about the Red Sox blowhards that for some reason have completely overvalued "our steamy, oh my god he's hot centerfielder". I calmed down, sipped on some scotch, and sat down at my computer for a night of my favorite activity; jack shit. So I sit down to Facebook and was reading one of my favorite Boston Bloggers updates, and saw this comment:

"If we trade Ellsbury to get Gonzalez I call first jump off the Zakim!"

Don't worry pal, if we hear news that Adrian is coming to the Red Sox I will meet you at the Zakim bridge and will even help you out with a healthy shove.

Urge to kill rising.Rising.

But does he have dreamy eyes?

3 comments

So John Lackey and Mike Cameron are the answers the Red Sox are looking towards after bombing in the playoffs in 2009. A new emphasis of defense and pitching will hopefully overshadow a batting lineup that will be without Jason Bay next year (which honestly I am fine with; he is NOT worth the money he is demanding). But do you honestly, really think that Theo is done? What are we going to do with this glut of OFs, and especially Cameron who is a fantastic center fielder (even at 37)? The answer? Theo isn't done. Ohhhhh please, he can talk defense til his face turns red, but as we speak you know he is out there fixing that gaping hole in the middle of the lineup and give the Red Sox that cleanup hitter that will make shit run down a pitcher's leg. Of course I am talking about Adrian Gonzalez.

A source close to NESN says that the Red Sox now have the flexibility to trade both prospects and major league ready talent to the Padres in return for Gonzo. The names thrown about are Max Ramirez (pending Lowell trade), Clay Buchholz and Jacoby Ellsbury. Ellsbury! Oh my goodness the pink hats are going to want Theo's head! God forbid we trade our starting CF with his .300 OBP and terrible defense. I love Boston with all my heart but my god Red Sox fans ADRIAN GONZALEZ IS FUCKING BETTER THAN JACOBY ELLSBURY. Let's look at the fans' reaction on Boston.com and NESN.com (all comments are [sic]):

"Keep Ellsbury trade Drew Ells is a very promising young athelete KEEP HIM"

Yeah trading a player that is far better than Ellsbury makes total sense. God I hate the irrational Drew hating in this town. Ok he looks bored, and doesn't show much emotion, but guess what? HE IS BETTER THAN ELLBSURY IS EVERY ASPECT OF BASEBALL THAT DOESN"T INVOLVING stealing bases!



"please don't trade ellsbury... he's the only player on the team with any speed whatsoever, and our only hope at actually scoring runs off of all the singles and doubles this lineup will be hitting. all the other baserunners will need 2-3 hits just to score, instead of the 1 ellsbury needs."

/slams head on desk
Yeah god forbid the Red Sox clog up the base paths.



"The Angels traded Casey Kotchman and a mediocre pitching prospect for Mark Teixeia. Why can't we trade Casey Kotchman and someone like Dustin Richardson for Gonzo?

In all seriousness, it would be giving up a bit too much if it was Ellsbury and Buchholz for Gonzo, but I think I could live with trading one of those guys. Since there are concerns over re-signing Beckett, why not flip Beckett for prospects to someone like Anaheim or Texas and then make a trade with the Padres for Gonzo (a la the Halladay/Cliff Lee trade)?"

and

"We could package Hermida, Lowrie and Buchholz for Adrian"

Words can't describe how stupid this is. Why don't we just package up Brian Anderson and Rocco Baldelli as well. Wait Rocco isn't under team control any more? WHO CARES!!! The Padres should do whatever we want! Please remember dolts, that Jed Hoyer is the GM of the Padres. I understand you probably don't know anyone in the front office not named Theo, but Hoyer was the assistant GM of the Red Sox last year, so its safe to say he knows the Red Sox farm system and isn't going to want Casey Kotchman for one of the best players in the league. Oh and while we are it, the Sox should trade our ace away in the process, just so we can keep a shitty light hitting center fielder.


"Trading Ellsbury just creates another hole that needs to be filled. It doesn't make sense"

I believe that "hole" was filled by someone at 1130am today. And oh by the way he is better than Ellsbury in every statistic other than steals, and if you disagree with me look it up. Ellsbury doesn't hit for power, he can't field, he throws like my mom and he doesn't walk enough. Oh and one other thought. Ellsbury is the worst fielding center fielder in the American League. LOOK!!!!!! Plus who the fuck needs steals if you are getting knocked in with home runs every game?


"Trading Ellsbury would be foolish. It doesn't make any sense to trade away a leadoff man who scored 94 runs last year for a middle line up guy who drove in 99 as a way of boosting your offense"

OK 1. Runs is almost a completely arbitrary stat. If you put Coco Crisp in the 1 slot with Youkilis Pedroia and Martinez hitting behind him he will get a 100 runs (pending he stays healthy). 2. Do you realize who hit in AGonz's lineup? Please name ANYBODY that is any good? How the hell is he supposed to get RBI's when he has NO ONE IN HIS LINEUP and he hits in one of the biggest pitchers park in the NL. Seriously who else was in the Padres lineup last year that was any good? Brian Giles?


Keep Lowell!!!! Ellsbury is our present and future. He's a game changer on the basepaths. Why would you get rid of a future gold glover and leader in steals while he is so young still. His bad needs to come around though and seems to like and take his helmet off. You aint that pretty Ellsbury but a good player.

You know sometimes I understand where all those blogs that trash Red Sox fans are coming from. People like you sound fucking retarded and it makes it hard for me to admit being from Boston. Listen to me closely pink hats, Adrian Gonzalez is a superior player to Jacoby Ellsbury. Guys like Adrian Gonzalez only come around once in a blue moon, he is better than Jason Bay AND Matt Holiday. Speed is overrated, you can get a million guys that run really fast, and do basically nothing else. In fact the only difference between Ellsbury and Joey Gathright is about .039 points OBP . If Ellsbury is the key to bring in one of the top power hitters in baseball, Theo better pull that trigger.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Harvard is superior to Boston College in every way (except hockey)

2 comments



Yes, it happened again. Boston College's basketball team lost to Harvard on Wednesday. Go ahead, laugh, snicker, ask the question I have been torturing myself with for the past three days "HOW THE HELL DID THIS TEAM LOSE TO HARVARD TWO YEARS IN A FUCKING ROW??" Just three days before, BC had beaten Miami who hadn't lost a game, and two days before Michigan who started the season ranked #17 in the country. True, BC was playing without their best player but this loss is as inexcusable as the loss to Northern Illinois (who I didnt know had a team until BC lost to them).

This is one of those losses that ties you up and has sex with your girlfriend while you watch. Harvard? A team of trust fund babies, beat Boston College, who was in the NCAA tourney last year. God damn it. The worst part is their fans in celebration had their butler bring them some tea and crumpets while they laughed at the poor people in Harvard Square.

Now it's on to Rhode Island, the team that Smarty Barrett claims is the best in the nation. Bar none, better than Kansas and Kentucky. Well, maybe not. We both will be at the game tomorrow, and I will be updating all the insanity on twitter. Make sure to check it out!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Seriously? Part Deux

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While perusing the Facesbook, I checked out the status message of Fitzy, friend of Mass Hysteria. He was bummed that the Sox traded Mike Lowell, which shockingly many Red Sox seem to be afflicted with. But this one caught my attention:

As strange as it is to say, I hope he doesn't pass the physical and has to come back.

There are no words to describe the idiocy of that comment. Please Red Sox fans, use your brains.

Seriously?

3 comments
Should the Red Sox be trading Mike Lowell?
How do you feel about the potential departure of Mike Lowell?

This is a bad move, trading away a leader and a champion on a team that could certainly use both. The Sox could have kept Lowell in some capacity.
53.2%
I hate to say it, but it was time. Thanks for everything, Mike, but this was the right move.
46.8%
Total votes: 4926

Boston.com's surveys are not scientifically valid. They reflect the opinions of only those who vote. More
Boston.com
via Boston.com

(53.2%, you did see how much he broke down over the past two years right?)



Wow, I should probably call Mike Lowell and see what his thoughts on the trade are...

(phone vibrates)
(phone vibrates)
(phone falls off coffee table onto rug)

Mike Lowell: GOD DAMN IT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THAT NOW!

Happy trails Mike Lowell.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A Hat Tip to the Best

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I, like many in Massachusetts have been a Red Sox fan my entire life. My dad and grandfather taught me what it was to be a Sox fan; to love Fenway Park and Dwight Evans, to hate Bucky Bleeping Dent, and revere Peter Gammons. My dad always told me that if I wanted to get the most accurate, cutting edge stories about the Red Sox, I should read Gammon's Sunday column in the Boston Globe. And I did. Every week. Gammons was a fantastic writer, who never seemed to have any agenda in his columns like other Boston Columnists like Ron Borges and Dan Shaugnessy. He knew the players, understood how the team was run, and made all of this accessible to the public. If any rumor was being whispered, if there was a problem in the clubhouse, if there was a big trade in the works, Gammons always knew about it.

Gammo left the Globe when ESPN made him an offer to be a host on Baseball Tonight, working beside neanderthal John Kruk and whomever else ESPN threw in the booth. He wrote weekly columns for ESPN.com, and continued to be an ambassador of the game. When blogs rip Boston media, and Boston fans, they bow in reverence to Gammons, because they understand what Bostonians knew for years; Gammons is the tits. A few years ago when Gammons had a stroke, I took it personally, like it was one of my own relatives, as pathetic as that sounds.

Now Gammons is going on to the MLB network, leaving ESPN after Winter Meetings. This is a great opportunity for Gammons, and another great personality leaves the World Wide Leader. This also gives me absolutely no reason to ever watch Baseball Tonight ever again, which honestly is totally fine with me. Yet lovely media monolith Comcast charges extra for that channel, which I don't want to buy, so for now sweet king as you ride off into the abyss of premium cable land. (with my girl Hazel Mae)

Post Script: Looks like Gammo is working for NESN too...AWESOME

Monday, December 7, 2009

Red Sox Sign Fabio

1 comments
Nope the other one......the one you've never heard of

Who the hell is that? Fabio Castro does not sound like Jason Bay, Roy Halladay or well anyone who has played in the majors since 2007. Thanks Theo

Sunday, December 6, 2009

They are like BC but the complete opposite

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For the 11th consecutive year BC is going to a bowl game, and for the 11th straight year they played just well enough to play in a shitty mid level bowl game before New Years, and for the 11th straight year they are playing some sub par....wait we are playing USC? As in the University of Southern California? As in the team led by Pete Carroll, and Taylor Mays? Holy shit, this is fucking awesome.

After USC and Cal both took mammoth shits on their respective fields last night, Stanford (who should have played BC) was elevated to a higher level bowl, while USC fell faster than Stevie Wonder on an uneven stairwell. Now does BC have a chance at winning this game? Sure! Why not. BC is going to be amped up to play a team that at the beginning of the season was projected to make the Rose Bowl. And in the same sense USC probably will mail this one in, because who the hell cares about the Emerald Bowl. But then again, BC barely beat Maryland and Virginia this year, two really crappy teams, could they still beat a team like USC, even if they aren't that good? Eh.

Plus Dave Shinskie has like six years over Matt Barkley, and has actually finished puberty. God I hate his smug face.



Now I'm off to go punch my cat as I watch the Pats game on DVR.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Sports Orgy Saturday: Biggest Football Game Ever Liveblog

6 comments

So here's the deal: This may be the most important game of my lifelong Florida Gator fandom. Granted, they've won three national championships and been in ten SEC championship games, but today...today is where the Gators could cement their legacy.

Think about it. If Tebow puts in a good performance today, he probably wins the Heisman. That would be his second Heisman, making him the second person (Archie Griffin) to win two Heismans. Two Heismans and (at least) two National Championships would make it very hard to argue against Tebow as the greatest college football player of all time.

But it's not just about Tebow. If the Gators win today, they're in their third national championship in four years. I've seen Texas, and while they're not bad, Florida's defense is just too good to lose to the Longhorns. So if Florida wins today, they have a better chance than not of winning three undisputed national championships in four years. Nobody has ever done that, though Nebraska came close (won in '94 and '95, split the NC in '97). Not Notre Dame. Not Alabama. Not USC. Nobody. Nobody will have been this dominant over a four-year stretch.

If Florida loses? None of that happens. And Alabama, the 5th-dumbest state in the nation, wins. A Florida win is a victory for legacy. A victory for history. A victory for education. A victory for...well..me.

4:05: Glad they showed Tebow pregame so I could know to wear my #15 road jersey rather than my #1 home jersey. And no, I'm not joking, I actually rotate my two Gator jerseys as to whether they're home or away. Whatever, fuck you guys.

GOOSEBUMPS after showing the history of Florida/Bama games. Glad they roused Spurrier from his busy schedule of golfing and not coaching South Carolina. Just kidding Childhood Father Figure, you know that I love you.

4:15: Bame comes out in the spread. Weird, though I think McElroy ran that system in high school. If Dunlap was still there and didn't turn his blood to 40% alcohol on the MONDAY BEFORE THE SEC CHAMPIONSHIP that probably wouldn't happen. Fuck that angers me so much. Really Carlos? Really? You just cost yourself about 30 million dollars by hopping behind the wheel.

Also, I'm in favor of the new white UF helmets, pretty fucking slick looking. Cmon GHABB,Y, focus on the pretty helmets, and not my seething anger at our star DE with flammable blood.


4:20: Bama strikes early with a 48-yard field goal. Bad guys 3, Florida 0. Not the greatest start.

4:36: FUCK FUCK FUCK. After we had an embarrassing three-and-out, Bama just gashed the Dunlap-less defense again to score. McElroy has had ALL DAY to sit in the pocket. It's disgusting. Bama 9, Florida 0. Must. Not. Kill. (edit, at least they missed the extra point. We saw how that haunted Pitt earlier today...)

4:53: A decent Gator drive stalled out at the 30, but resulted in a Sturgis FG. Bama 9, Gators 3. I'll take being down six after that disastrous quarter though. Also, when Sturgis makes his first long-distance FG, it's usually a sign of good things to come the rest of the game, so at least it seems he won't be slumping today.

5:02: Now that's the Gator defense I was hoping for. Brandon Hicks just knocked his helmet off tackling Ingram on 3rd down. Still, on the ensuing punt, Brandon James just got tackled...by the fucking kicker. One manly play followed by one that reeked of vagina stank.


5:17: I was wrong about the three-out of four national champions thing - apparently Notre Dame and Minnesota (really?) have done it. Though nobody has done it since the '40s. And if Florida keeps playing like this, they won't do it either. This is fucking miserable.

5:24: Field goal Bama. At least they stopped them in the red zone. It's these minor victories that are stopping me from going outside and viciously punching children in the street. Alabama 12, Florida 3.

5:29: A
nd Tebow starts Fucking. Shit. Up. 22-yard run followed by a first-down run that drew a 15 yard penalty. And then TOUCHDOWN David Nelson. YES YES YES YES YES. This was Tebow's drive. Tebow took a team that had been in the shitter for nearly a full half and in a few plays singlehandedly carried them to within two points. He can win this game by himself. You shall have no other gods than Tebow. Bama 12, Tebow 10.


5:35: Aaaaaaah and I spoke too soon. Ingram just caught a screen for 69 yards. Goddamnit. Simply put - if Florida wins this game, Tebow wins the Heisman. If Bama wins, Ingram will probably take it home. If there's a tie, then Pale Horse Toby Gerhart whites his way to the Heisman. Bama scores one play after the run and it's 19-10 Bama. Cocknuckle.

5:44: 59-yard pass to Cooper. Sadly, Gators stall out after that pass (including an excrutiating double-dropped pass) and have to settle for a field goal. But if this game is gonna turn into a shootout,we just have more talent on the offensive side of the ball than Alabama does. I'm cautiously optimistic, especially with how Tebow's playing. Bama 19, Gators 13.

6:25: I figured Florida would start the half taking back momentum but notsomuch. Ugh. Three-and-out on offense, and then giving up chunks of yardage to Bama on their opening drive. Oh, and that stupid fucking roughing the passer penaltly didn't work. Touchdown Bama. FUCK MY LIFE. Alabama 26, Florida 13.

6:43: It isn't even that Alabama is crushing our defense, it's how. Ingram has more than 140 rushing/receiving yards and McElroy is averaging more than 14 yards per completion. Nobody on our defense is playing well. They're beating us up the gut AND through the air. We've already given up more than 380 yards, and we average 220 yards TOTAL given up per game. It's one thing when you lose, it's another thing when you just get beat. We're getting beat.


7:00: Touchdown Bama. 17-play drive that served as the last fucking death rattle of my hopes and will to live. Bama 32, Florida 13. Horrifying. Saddening. I want to fucking cry.

7:10: Gators drive down the field, but throw an interception in the end zone. If that ain't a metaphor for the season, I don't know what is. I think I'm going to end this live blog now so I can go drink and cry.

Sports Orgy Saturday: Marathon Liveblog

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Today is the type of day that makes you grateful to be a sports fan. In chronological order, the following sporting events are happening today on television:

Cincinnati/Pitt football for a BCS berth
North Carolina/Kentucky basketball
Boise State/New Mexico football for a possible BCS berth for Boise
Florida/Alabama in the MOST IMPORTANT FOOTBALL GAME EVER
Texas/Nebraska for a National Championship berth for UT
Georgia Tech/Clemson for a BCS berth
UFC Ultimate Fighter finals with Kimbo Slice's first UFC live fight


So, um, yeah. Not leaving the couch for about 12 hours.

12:45: John Wall has scored all six of Kentucky's points so far, all in reeecoculous fashion. Every time he's touched the ball something exciting has happened. His athleticism and speed is off the fucking charts. You can see Carolina guys already shitting their pants every time Wall handles the ball at the top of the key, like Alec Baldwin's daughter after she sees a voicemail from her dad on her cellphone.

1:05: That. Fucker. Is. Fast. Wall is making Rondo look like Scalabrine. Also, his name is catchy, like a rapper or a porn star. I hope he refers to himself by his full name in the third person. "John Wall would like a hamburger." "John Wall disagrees with you." "Who wants to sex John Wall?" (answer: everyone)

1:10: Meanwhile Pitt has scored on all three possessions. It's like Cincy coach Brian Kelly is preoccupied or something...

1:15: UNC took a 9-2 lead to start the game. Then Kentucky went on a 28-2 rape rampage of death, pretty much entirely spurred by John Wall going apeshit. I have a new point guard mancrush.

1:30: Pitt just went up 31-10 on Cincy and it's not even halftime. The main reason they're kicking ass, other than Brian Kelly's green-colored daydreams: They can run the ball, and Cincy can't. With it pouring buckets at Heinz, this is essential. Dion Lewis (Pitt's uber-talented freshman RB) is really fucking good, and even the mere threat of him running the ball not only makes the running game better, but gets Cincy to back off the pass. Pitt is 7-8 passing, and Lewis has 26 carries. These two facts are related. Cincy meanwhile is not much of a threat to run, which forces them into bad passes. Pike is 7-19 with a pick.

2:03: Lunch break done, accompanied by Friend of Mass Hysteria Liz. I'm gonna miss Giovanni's food when I move to Chattanooga at the end of the month. In the meantime, Carolina has come back like whoa, led by their frontcourt. This is what happens when you have two primarily freshman-sophomore teams with insanely talented but inexperienced players - they both get streaky as a motherfucker.

2:27: UNC/UK is now a three-point game with almost four minutes left. It's been less of Carolina playing well and more Kentucky playing like shit. Wall, for all his talent, has eight turnovers.

2:51: Kentucky wins, but Calipari notes in his postgame interview that "my team isn't that good right now" and that "freshmen do dumb things." And it showed in this game - UK was crazy talented, but prone to foul trouble, turnovers and other assorted dumb shit. This was evident with Wall, but especially evident with fellow freshmen Eric Bledsoe and DeMarcus Cousins. This team *can* be crazy good, but they have a long way to go.


2:55: Pitt is winning, but Mardy Gilyard is one insane kick returner/receiver. He just had a 48-yard kick return after returning one for a TD earlier in the game. He's dragged Cincy back to a 38-30 game. For Pitt, Dion Lewis had 38 carries for 160 yards and the fourth quarter just started. He might touch the ball 55 times when it's all said and done.

3:14: Aaaand Cincy just came back to tie the score. BALLS OF STEEL. Awesome fucking comeback. If the rest of Sports Orgy Saturday ends up like these last two games, I'm going to have a coronary by dinnertime.

3:26: Dion Lewis just scored to put Pitt ahead with a little less than two minutes left, but Pitt botched the extra point. It was Lewis' 47th carry on the day. He is only 19 years old. Meanwhile, Mardy Gilyard has 374 all-purpose yards. Draft this man.

3:31: TOUCHDOWN CINCY. Holy fucking shit. They make the extra point and now they're up by 45-44 with one second left. They were down 31-10 at one point and now they're going to win the game. INSANE game.


3:40: Cincy wins by one. Kentucky wins by two. Let's hope the next game isn't nearly as close.

New shortstop. Woot

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Nomar Garciaparra
Orlando Cabrera
Edgar Renteria
Alex Gonzalez
Julio Lugo
Jed Lowrie
Nick Green
Alex Gonzalez
MARCO SCUTARO



Another year another shortstop. Our wunderkind Theo Epstein's personal kryptonite. This is such a crap shoot, the Red Sox might end up with another clunker on their hands, but at least its only a two year committment, and for only six million a year. PLUS, if for some reason a superstar shortstop becomes available, say a Hanley Ramirez or Jose Reyes, the Sox could make Scutaro the leagues most expensive Super Utility player. But what if Scutaro hits this season like he did last year? A gaping hole in our lineup has been plugged (Heh).

Scutaro is a smart hitter, who unlike Alex Gonzalez will take pitches, and draw the occasional walk. For all of you who will miss Gonzalez's defense, please remember he had 15 walks all of last season. Wonder why our offense wasn't clicking at the end of last year? He is definitely one of the biggest culprits, taking the fewest pitches per plate appearance for any starting position player on the team (3.4).

Now the question remains, what the hell are the Sox going to do during the rest of the offseason?

Trade Mike Lowell? Sign John Lackey? Sign Dick Harden HAHAHAHAHAHA? Bay or Holliday? Something we haven't thought of yet? Who knows.

Friday, December 4, 2009

DeJuan, your basket is that way <-----------------

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Last night the Celtics, who are now 15-4 by the way, beat the Spurs down in San Antonio. In between flicking between the channels I caught this gem. Ex Pitt Panther DeJuan Blair went up to get a rebound last night and somehow knocked the ball into his own hoop. This has to be one of the most bizarre plays, because it almost looks like he is doing it on purpose.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Texts from GHABBY: Episode 1

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Yes that is the Babe Ruth contract with the Boston Red Sox. Next on his roadtrip GHABBY will be sending text pics of David Tyree's gloves from Super Bowl XLII, Bill Buckner's shoelaces, and a glass vile owned by Len Bias.

Monday, November 30, 2009

One of these guys is playing the Patriots tonight

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Honestly I haven't been this excited for a game since, well ok two weeks ago when we played the Colts. Again the Patriots are playing an undefeated team on the road, and again I have this gut feeling that they could pull it off. I have nothing personal against the Saints, they are a fun team to watch, Drew Brees is the shit, and Marques Colston saved my fantasy team like three years ago. Plus they gave BC alum JoLunn Dunbarr a job, which I like. Two great cities going head to head let's take out the tale of the tape:

Food
Gumbo vs. Clam Chowder: I love love love Cajun food, nothing kicks ass more than eating a food with spice and flavor and thats what they have down there. Plus I am lactose intolerant, so eating New England Clam Chowder gives me the worst case of diaherrea. YUM!
Edge: New Orleans

Rap Music
Lil Wayne vs House of Pain(?). Now if I opened this up to music in general it would be a little closer, but I am a fan of the Hip Hop Music. Lil Wayne is incredible, loves the purple drank, and is heading to jail for a year. House of Pain blows.
Edge: New Orleans


Accent: Bostonians sound pretty stupid when they drop and add R's indiscriminately, and have created words like "wicked" and "bubblah". New Orleans have taken the english language bent it over and had their way with it. With words that are completely ludicrious like "maw maw" (grandmother) and YAMAMMA'N'EM the New Orleanians have stomped the language to death.
Edge: Draw


The Girls

New Orleans has some of the hottest pieces of ass from all over the country who flock down to Mardi Gras to show off their boobies and make out. Well at least thats what Girls Gone Wild has taught me. Boston has the conservative college girls. But then again New Orleans has the newest strains of Syphiherpegonerrhea.
Edge: Boston (Unless you don't mind the Super Drips)

The Actual City
Boston is a beautiful lush city with history, culture and tradition. Half of New Orleans was swept away five years ago.
Edge: Boston

Friday, November 27, 2009

Enjoy the Socialized Medicine!

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I WANTZ UR POESITIONZ!


Just like three years ago, Alex Gonzalez is gone again. He can't really hit, he swings at just about everything, but god damn he can play some defense. But on a team that had all sorts of trouble putting together big innings last year having a sub .300 OBP won't cut it. Look at all the other players that had higher On Base Percentages than Gonzalez.

1. Derek Jeter
2. Marco Scutaro
3. Porn Star Houston

4. Ted William's Frozen Head
5. The Backup left fielder on the Saugus Waumpanaug JV softball team
6. Eddie Andelman
7. The Jesus Guy who stands outside of every Boston event with the "You are going to hell placard"
8. A blind folded Kevin Youkilis
9. Eddie Gaedel

10. EVERY OTHER SHORT STOP NOT NAMED YUNIESKY BETANCOURT.

If there is one thing that Theo doesn't seem to "get", it's fielding a viable shortstop that can do more than one aspect of baseball without drooling on himself. Lugo, Gonzalez, Lowrie, Cabrera, Nick Green, the list just goes on and on. With Marco Scutaro and possibly Orlando Cabrera being the only decent stop gaps available this year (unless there is a trade out there), there might be yet another giant void at shortstopYou have to admit watching Gonzalez in the field is something special, but god at times he was painfully bad at the plate. The carousel at SS continues, but we can trust Theo right? RIGHT???

All Josh McDaniels is Trying to Do Is...

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Sunday, November 22, 2009

This game counted right?

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This was a picture of the BC/St. Francis game the other day...No lie there must have been like 1000 fans in attendance.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

And Peter King is an idiot too...

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Everything that needs to be said about the Colts-Pats game has already been said. Believe me, nothing I am going to say here is going to be any magical revelation that is going to shatter your mind about that ball crunching loss. It sucks, and for many no matter what I say is going to be any consolation for a game we should have won. But what I can say is this, losing one regular season game to the Colts is not as bad as it seems. True, home field advantage is pretty much lost, and true the Patriots and Belichick hate brigade are all wiping the semen off their keyboards after their two day jerk off fest, but there is still hope. I was talking to SmartyBarrett yesterday and we both felt that Belichick made the right move, and no matter what Dan Shaughnessy says, he is wrong (entitled Belichick's Gaffe Unrivale):

"This was as bad as anything the Red Sox ever did. Had it been a playoff game, it would be right up there with Bucky Dent, Bill Buckner, Aaron Boone, and History Derailed in Glendale, Ariz."

That's a little bit dramatic don't you think? Hey CHB, every incident you mentioned was a playoff or championship game. THIS WAS A FUCKING REGULAR SEASON GAME. Take a deep breath your curly haired disgrace to our city, because in the grand scheme of things we are still in contention for a first round bye, and we could still have home field advantage against everyone, except the Colts. But you know what? WHO CARES! We almost beat the Colts, at home, without Ty Warren, Jarvis Green, Tully Banta Cain, and straddled with retarded ball droppy Lawrence Maroney and we still ALMOST WON. Bring on the Colts in the playoffs, the Patriots will beat them.

But for others out there, this is just another schaundefreude-ingly fun laugh at "that angry old coot's" failures. For instance, talking dunderhead and blog favorite Jay Mariotti had this to say:

"Welcome to Bill Belichick's comeuppance, a wonderful day for anyone who has thought of him as a cheater and a boor. The hoodie had his initials, "BB," emblazoned on the front of his outer wear. Not since Bill Buckner has a "BB" in Boston sports blundered worse. Staring straight ahead and speaking in his trademark monotone, he took questions and didn't seem to regret what he had done, even though the Patriots are 6-3 and effectively four games behind the 9-0 Colts for playoff positioning in a rivalry where the home field means plenty."


I love the completely irrelevant shots at Belichick, childish-ly calling him names like "monotone" and "boor" (which he is but still). Why so angry Jay? Are you happy to see Belichick fail because he declined to give you a comment for your internet column, or because you caught him sleeping with your wife? And hubris for Spygate? Wasn't that the 2007 Super Bowl? Go to hell Jay. You are just bitter that you live in Chicago and have to live Jay Cutler's sucktastic ass for the next ten years. You know the quarterback that is like a less talented, pancreas devoid Brett Favre. Shoudn't you be bitching and moaning about Cutler throwing 5 interceptions against the fucking 49ers? Enjoy watching the Cubs and White Sox suck balls again next year.


All I am saying Patriots fans, is get off your ledges, put away the bottle of Jack Daniels that has been easing your pain, and get the hell off Belichick's back. Stats already show that he made the best move, and we all know that if Faulk moved the ball two more inches, we would all be lauding how great and gutsy our coach is. We took a 9-0 team down to the final minute the 12th round and almost won, nothing to be depressed and ashamed about. And for the love of god, stop listening to what WEEI, Boston Dirt Dogs, and the reactionary media says. Personally, I still think the Pats are going to finish 12-4 or 13-3 and get that first round, bye. Brady looks as strong as he did in 2007, our defense is solid and we still have the best coach in football. And remember, keep that chip on your shoulder Mass Hysterians, because this is what most of the blog world thinks of you:

"YOU GAWT LUCKY! BELICHICK SHOULD HAVE BEEN REWAHHHDED FAR HIS BAWLLS! HE’S SETTING YOU UP FAR THE NEXT GAME! WE WERE-AH THAH BETTAH TEAM! BAD SPAWT! BAD SPAWT! NO ONE DENIES THIS! I SECRETLY SAW THIS COMING! DON’T YOU SEE? BELICHICK IS KEITH HERNANDEZ! HE’S THAT COOL! THREE RINGS! WE STILL HAVE THREE RINGS AND YOU DO NAWT!"

Hardy har har KSK. So fucking witty, go run through a goddamn brick wall.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Patriots @ Colts, November 15, 2009 *LIVE BLOG*

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Afternoon Checklist

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Smarty Barrett's Afternoon Checklist:

1. Order a shit-ton of wings √
2. Stock the fridge with beer √
3. Make a crazy crock pot concoction that'll be ready for game-time √
4. Have a fantasy team where the bench is out-scoring the starters √
5. Live-Blog the Pats/Colts game


YOUR Afternoon Checklist:

1. Order a shit-ton of wings √
2. Stock the fridge with beer √
3. Make a crazy crock pot concoction that'll be ready for game-time √
4. Make fun of Smarty Barrett's fantasy team √
5. Come back to Mass Hysteria at 8:00 for the Pats/Colts Live-Blog

That's right, kids. Myself, HZMLS, and whomever else wants to join in will be Live-Blogging the action tonight. So y'all need to get FIRED UP! As fired up as this guy:

Wu Tang Eat Your Heart Out

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As both a fan of sports and rap music, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to pass along this little gem. They got rhythm? Check. They have ridonkulous mullets? Check. Is the sound quality terrible? Check. Enjoy.

h/t: Sportsbybrooks

A Schedule of Afternoon Activities for Joey Porter

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With Porter's abrupt change of plans we at Mass Hysteria have a list of suggestions to keep his mind busy. Enjoy your day off!

Channel 4: The Wedding Singer
Channel 5: QVC's Gifts from David's Kitchen
Channel 11: Degrassi the Next Generation (come on Joey we know you love the HS drama)
Channel 18: Dancing Superstars Where are they Now
Channel 26: Chef Todd English
Channel 34: Bowling (Time for a career change?)
Channel 43: The Shaggy Dog (a movie about as entertaining as your sack dances)
Channel 46: The Scorpion King
Channel 52: Looney Tunes

Saturday, November 14, 2009

It's On

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I was perusing my Google Reader this morning, and I visited my favorite Yankees site "River Ave Blues", which is a fantastic blog.. Well recently Nike came out with an advertisement for the Yankees celebrating their World Series Championship, and I have to admit it was kinda cool, it showed off the great aspects of NYC and whatnot. Well their reader Stephen came up with this ingenius dig at Boston in general. I have a few general observations about this HILARIOUS OH MY GOD I AM FALLING DOWN I CANT STOP LAUGHING photoshop.

1. It's the Big Dig you fucking idiot, not the "Boston Tunnel". If you bothered to google "boston highway construction biggest waste of money" it should have been your first result. And it collapsed once.

2. Pink hats? Ok, I know Raquel has gone over this a million times, but jesus christ. I went to college with enough Yankee fan broads that had no fucking clue who played for the Yankees in the '50s or could name anyone out of the Yankees bullpen who wasn't named Mariano Rivera. And while watching the World Series it was nice to see that you have you have enough douchebag celebrity fans (i.e Kate Hudson, Alicia Keys, Billy Crystal) to balance out our Ben Afflecks and Kevin James.

3. Ok I will concede that Jay Z is about thirty times the artist that the Dropkick Murphys are. I hate them....a lot.

4. JD Drew was the least of our problems, and if you actually watched a Red Sox game in your fucking miserable life you would have seen that. Drew shows up every post season for the Sox, producing every year, which according to every Yankees fan I have ever talked to is all that matters. My god how many times did I hear that Paul O'Neil and Scott Brosius were so awesome because of their October numbers. And by the way, how did Nick Swisher, your RF perform in the postseason?

5. How dare you steal my nickname for David Ortiz? I have copyrights on Big Popup, Big Slumpi, Big Waste-of-line-up Spot, Big Wasteline. Give him a break bro, he had to change his um, "work out" routine.

6. "When the Subway is packed with Drunk Italian Assholes" there we go, fixed it to apply to NYC.

7. Yeah Yeah Yeah you have your 27th World Championship, and you deserved it. But because I am a bitter asshole, I still have this:

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Grumpy Old Men, Red Sox Edition

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In another example of no brainers, the Red Sox declined to pick up the $5mil option on backup catcher Jason Varitek. Evidently the notion that he "prepares hard for a game" and "manages a pitching staff better than anyone else" was all hocus pocus after all. But why would the Red Sox potentially let their team captain and emotional leader leave?

1. Varitek hit .234 in June .231 in July, .135 in August and .133 in September and October. His hitting was so abysmal that he got exactly NO plate appearances in the ALDS.
2. Jason Varitek can't throw anyone out. I mean no one. If I ran on Tek, I could steal second, and I lose my breath when I go from my couch to the fridge.
3. The one thing that Varitek had going for him was that prime piece of ass, Heidi Watney. But he even lost that to career utility man and minor leaguer Nick Green. Weak.


Not like this really matters, he still owns a three million dollar player option which if he was wise he would take, because looking at his stats who the hell would pay him more to play for them? Personally, I would love to see Tek ride off into the sunset without further destroying his Red Sox legacy, but that probably won't happen.

In other news the Red Sox tore up Tim Wakefield's "we own you until you can't pitch no mo'" perpetual team option contract and resigned him to a two year deal. Wakefield made his first All Star Game this year, then proceeded to completely vanish the second half of the year when he realized that he is a 43 year old pitcher. Tim Wakefield started pitching for the Red Sox in 1995, my freshman year in High School. Just for nostalgia sake let's look at the everday lineup of Kevin Kennedy's 95 Boston Red Sox, and where they are now:

C- Mike McFarlane
1B- Mo Vaughn- biggest slum lord in the Northeast
2B- Luis Alicea- recently fired as the Mets first base coach
3B- Tim Naehring- working in the Yankees minor league system
SS- John Valentin- manager of the Chattanooga Look Outs. TOOOT TOOOT.
LF- Mike Greenwell - was a race car driver, no clue what the hell he is doing now
CF- Lee Tinsley- First base coach of the Mariners
RF- Troy O'Leary- trying to promote a new baseball reality show "Play Big or Go Home" with Drew Carey. Sounds riveting.
DH- Jose Canseco- busy losing MMA fights to 8 foot tall Chinese dudes


Starting Five Pitchers: Wake
Vaughn Eshelman- just like the 1995 season, noone knows where the hell he is.
Zane Smith - ?????????????
Erik Hanson- ?????????????
Roger Clemens- using steroids and banging drugged up Country stars somewhere.