Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Gaylord Bowl Drunk Liveblog Second Half


5:21: I just shoveled my walkway and steps during halftime because it's fucking snowing AGAIN in Massachusetts. Cmon God, you already denied the Pats the playoffs, why do you have to further smite us with shitty fucking snowstorms? Btw, HZMLS texted me with "I would let Mark Herzlich impregnate futuremrsHZMLS and I would raise the kid." I responded by "this game is like watching retards try to 69." I clearly need to drink more.

5:24: Herzlich just hit a guy so hard, his gallbladder fell out. Provided he passes a steroid test and doesn't rape a girl causing James Caan to suspend him, this man NEEDS to be wearing a Pats uniform next year.

5:32: USURY AND MONEYLENDING. Vandy punted and it hit the foot of a BC player, and then they fell on top of it and scored a touchdown. Cheapest. Touchdown. Ever. Vandy 13, BC 7, Strongbows 5. Seriously, in this clusterfuck of a game, that's the type of bass-ackwards way that touchdowns are scored.

5:51: Here's the thing. There's really no excuse to be losing to Vanderbilt. Vandy is to the SEC what the white kid on the end of the bench is to a basketball team: they're just there to keep the GPA up. That's all. The SEC keeps Vanderbilt around to say "hey, look, not all of our schools (save my Gators, OBVI) admit people who can't walk upright and breathe through their nose." Vandy doesn't even have an athletic department. The same department that handles the rules for intramural Ultimate Frisbee handles home football games against Florida and Georgia. And yet, the Lambda Lambda Lambda football team is currently beating BC, and just stopped them on fourth down. Shameful. Pathetic. Sad.

6:02: I could pass better than Dominique Davis if I slept on my arms. I could jerk off better too.

6:20: Sorry if I haven't updated the game that much, but seriously, this shit is fucking painful. There have been three first downs in the entire second half. Davis is averaging 3.3 yards per pass. Vandy has six first downs. This game is the drizzling shits. My buddy Tim, my roomate, my girlfriend and I have spent most of the second half debating what the name of that popular gum was in the early '90s that had the liquid center. I say Bubbaloo, but they say I'm wrong.

6:28: GOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL! Touchdown BC! Dominique Davis first completed a 30-yard pass (one-third of his entire passing day at the time), and then a 55-yard TD pass to Colin Larmond Jr., who I'm shocked isn't white with that name. BC 14, Vandy 13, Strongbows 8.

: Herzlich just fucked up another smaht kid. I consider him a credit to my race. Then he got called for a BULLSHIT roughing the passer penalty. The refs are discriminating him because his real name is Sandon, and cause he probably takes monkey steroids like Hawk from the Legion of Doom.

6:37: Vandy just tried to run the option on 3rd and 1, but their shit got pushed in like a dude in assless chaps at a gay bar. 45-
yard field goal attempt is...Good. Lame. Vandy 16, BC 14, Strongbows 8 1/2. 3:26 left, and Dominique Davis in charge of driving the ball down the field. I'm not optimistic. I'm also drunk.

3rd and 6, and Davis threw the ball ten feet above his running back's head on a simple screen pass. If there was a single play symbolic of this game, that would be it. Epic. Fail.

6:49: Vandy just got stood the fuck up on 3rd and 1. BC's gotta go at least 50-55 yards in two minutes to win this game. We've go
t a developing. Sit-u-ation.

6:50: Interception. FUCK. The bowl winning streak is over. My sobriety is over. Our innocence is over. Dominique Davis' tenure as a scholarship athlete is over. Let us relish what once was, not what currently is. Luckily, it's still New Year's Eve, and I've got three bottles of Andre waiting for me. Final score, Vandy 16, BC 14, Strongbows 9. Happy New Years, drink your sorrows away.

Gaylord Bowl Drunk Liveblog First Half

3:30: We're here live from the GHABB,Y Palace of Awesomeness, playing substitute teacher while HZMLS has the pre-marital leash pulled on him once again. I heard HZMLS gave his fiancee a wonderful present for Christmas: his balls, encased in a cedar box, for her to keep forever and ever. Then again, I woke up at 7 this morning to drive out to Market Basket to buy my girlfriend baking supplies, fending off hundreds of minorities and elderly in the process.

Still, I'm here armed with a dozen Strongbows, low blood sugar, and no motivation whatsoever to leave my living room chair for the next three or so hours, so here's to three hours of Gaylord jokes.

3:35: I mean, if you voluntarily told someone "oh, I stayed at the Gaylord Hotel," that's pretty much an admission that you spent the previous evening blowing a dude, right? Can we now refer to any and all homosexual acts as "staying at the Gaylord Hotel?" And can gay guys come out to their parents by leaving a Gaylord Hotels receipt on the kitchen table?

3:39: Holy shit is Dominique Davis a terrible quarterback. He just overthrew his first two passes by a combined 58,058 yards. Between having to root for this guy as his team's quarterback and trading in his penis for the rest of his life, it's a shock that we haven't found a suicide note in HZLMS' apartment.

3:44: Vandy used fifteen different quarterbacks to drive down the field and kick a field goal. Vanderbilt 3, BC 0, Strongbows 1/3. I know, I know, more drinking with the quickness, but being New Year's Eve, today's alcoholocaust (a word I read yesterday on EDSBS and my new favorite word EVER) is going to be a marathon, and not a sprint.

3:52: Holy shit, that Gaylord Hotels guy had the creepiest smile EVER at the end of his speech. Don't think he doesn't know what goes on in his hotels. That smile said "come to my hotel and blow a man named Evan or Bruce." Oh, that dude knows. That dude KNOWS. Meanwhile, Vandy just completed a deep pass and are generally abusing BC on both sides of the ball so far. It's almost as if BC somehow doesn't want to be playing a 6-6 team in their home city in the fucking Gaylord Bowl or something.

3:57: Another field goal for Vandy. At least BC's defense isn't allowing Vandy's Red Zone offense to roughly penetrate the puckering ruby starfruit that is Gaylord Bowl end zone. Vandy 6, BC 0, Strongbows 1.

Oh Kurt Vonnegut, how we miss thee.

4:05: Dominique Davis is apparently "confused" by the offensive playcalling. Apparently, he didn't understand the part about "we don't trust you to throw the ball at all, so you're handing the ball off every play." And like that, Davis goes off the script and hits his running back in the hands with a screen pass. The RB was obviously in such a state of shock that they let Davis pass that he didn't expect the pass. BC punts again, something which, at this rate, will be the inevitable end to all of their offensive possessions.

4:15: The ESPN broadcasters are quite impressed with the turnout of Vanderbilt fans. Yes, because it's impressive that fans actually showed up to a team's first bowl game in 26 years that happens to be down the street from campus. Yeah, kudos and fucking huzzah to them.

4:25: SOUND THE ALARM, DOMINIQUE DAVIS COMPLETED A PASS! Davis just threw for 15 whole yards, and actually hit Brandon Robinson! Yay! Prior to that, Davis had been 1-7 for one whole yard. In fact, we recently went 29 plays from scrimmage here with exactly one play over 10 yards. In a related story, I'm starting to drink heavily. And of course, as I finished typing this, Davis just threw a pick. I HATE THIS GAME AND ITS STUPID FACE.

4:36: There's something comical and depressing about watching Dominique Davis try to throw a long pass. It's kinda like trying to watch a midget get a wineglass off the top shelf, or a foal being born and try to walk. Awkward and uncomfortable, but mildly hysterical.

4:47: Stock up on canned goods and bottled water, because BC's put together an actual drive. Granted, they've averaged like 3.6 yards per play on said drive, but still, they've proceeded to go 16 consecutive plays without punting, turning the ball over or having any member of their offense publicly defecate all over himself. And with that, TOUCHDOWN BC! Like sex with a 28-year-old virgin, it was slow, awkward and not nearly worth the effort, but the score is now BC 7, Vandy 6, Strongbows 4. Jerry's Kids across the world celebrate.

4:55: Halftime. I'm going to go cry in the shower.

The Very Best of Mass Hysteria 2008: Part 3

In a spectacular gesture of narcissism, the editors of Mass Hysteria will be sharing their favorite pieces of 2008 with you, their loyal readers, this week. Some are old; some are new; all are deeply imbued with the kind of rabid Boston fandom you've come to expect from this fine website. Please to enjoy, and many thanks to all of you for your support these past few months! Happy New Year to all!

So even though I've only been on this site since late September, I was able to crank out some of my favorite posts from the year. I look forward to continuing to share my thoughts with our readers next year, and I promise that if there is ever a Mass Hysteria get-together in '09, I'll be sure to reinforce every stereotype you guys no doubt have about me.

10. The 2008 ALDS Recap. Just in case you forgot how crazy this series was.

9. If there's one thing Sox fans love, it's a Yankee elimination party.

8. The TBS announcers for the ALCS were - and I mean this in the nicest way possible - fucking disgraceful.

7. Surprisingly enough, this post did not result in me getting any more friends on MySpace.

6. No matter the eventual outcome of the ALCS, I'll always remember the greatest game I've ever seen.

5. URI's Jimmy Baron spends quite a bit of time fine-tuning his three-point shot.

4. I don't often get all sappy and shit, but goddamn I love me some Marty Barrett. And some Dustin Pedroia.

3. We've all had fun at the ballpark. But perhaps never this much fun.

2. Yes, I love college hoops. No, I will not help you fill out your bracket this March.

1. My absolute favorite thing I've ever written for Mass Hysteria was my first post - the guest post I did previewing Week 3 in our Fantasy Football League. If it wasn't for that post, I likely wouldn't even be an editor on this site.

Thanks for a great year, and Happy New Year everyone!

It's Only Cheating If You Get Caught

At least that's what the NBA is showing with their ruling on a very strange play in last night's Celtics/Blazers game. Now Raquel has explained to me that situations like this occur in hockey all the time. They're called "power plays." I'm learnding! But as far as I know, there are no power plays in basketball. Yet somehow, the Blazers put six men on the court last night, scored a basket, and the officials COUNTED IT! Let's go to the video tape! Check it out at about 0:45 in:

Portland was assessed a technical foul after the fact, but because the officials didn't notice the 6th man until after the basket was made, they couldn't waive it off (those new fangled scoreboards!). A call was also made to the league office during the stoppage, but they apparently shrugged and said they didn't know what to do.

From Doc Rivers: "They said you couldn't correct the play, which I still disagree with. But the problem was that we called around, we called the league, and they didn't have the answer, either. It is what it is. There is nothing we can do about it."

Awesome. David Stern must be so proud.

Your Gaylord Bowl Preview


Today will be the pinnacle of the Boston College season, and what a journey it has been. BC fans have seen the highs and lows of a team that has been more inconsistent than Dane Cook's career. Big wins over Maryland, Wake Forest, Florida State and Virginia Tech. Hair pulling losses to Georgia Tech, Clemson and the same Virginia Tech on national television. BC has shown the country what a top notch defense looks like, with Mark Herzlich, BJ Raji, Mike McLaughlin and a solid secondary that leads the nation in interceptions. On the other hand our offense is a turnover factory, even more so after the injury to Chris Crane. Redshirt Freshman QB Dominique Davis has more than likely played himself out of a job after turning the ball over 5,632 times against VT in the ACC Championship. And this has all led up to the Gaylord Music City Bowl.

This year our competition is the Vanderbilt Commodores, a pitiful competition from the SEC. Yes, the ACC runner up is playing a team that is 6-6, and losers of 6 out of 7. But wait, give Vandy a break, they play in the SEC and must have a tough schedule. Oh no no no, they beat Auburn, Kentucky, and South Carolina. Their low points? GETTING THEIR ASS HANDED TO THEM BY TENNESSEE (and Florida). Why the fuck does BC have to play teams like this EVERY YEAR. Every year BC puts together a solid season, beating good ACC opponents, and every year the Bowl selection committee over looks them in favor of teams like Clemson and FSU (you know teams we BEAT). Instead of playing a team like LSU, Nebraska or Wisconsin, year after year its a Vanderbilt, a Colorado, Navy, or a UNC.

Is BC going to win this Bowl game? I hope so. The one thing I know about Vanderbilt is that they have a pretty good defense. This game will probably be filled with mistakes on both ends, and Merrill Hoge will love this "THE TEAM THAT WINS THE TURNOVER BATTLE WILL WIN THE GAME". I expect Mark Herzlich to dominate this game, maybe 2 interceptions and a forced fumble. If you hate BC, or are completely ambivalent about college football, do yourself a favor and watch the BC defense for a little bit. Herzy is a monster, who basically runs an entire half of the field by himself. I can't say enough about him, he's going to be a sick NFL player whenever he decides to go pro. Every hit he makes could end the other players career, he hits so fucking hard. Offensively, if BC can just run the ball with Davis and freshman Montell Harris, they could control the clock and prevent Davis from imploding.

But check back today, GHABBY is going to do a liveblog of the game later today, unfortunately I will be unable to attend, though you may here from me at points. GHABBY promises to be drunk, so stick around he may go into a diabetic coma! Anyways, my prediction? BC is going to win 24-6. Yay BC!

The Very Best of Mass Hysteria 2008: Part 2

In a spectacular gesture of narcissism, the editors of Mass Hysteria will be sharing their favorite pieces of 2008 with you, their loyal readers, this week. Some are old; some are new; all are deeply imbued with the kind of rabid Boston fandom you've come to expect from this fine website. Please to enjoy, and many thanks to all of you for your support these past few months! Happy New Year to all!

So I've been told to pick my top 10 posts of the year. Well after some heavy drinking thinking, here are the best. Thanks to all of our great readers, who I probably will meet sometime in the future. Hopefully I will shower between now and then, though I can't promise anything.

10. Roasted that Dred Pirate Manny Ramirez.

9. Got loaded and posted at 12:24 on a Saturday night. Bad idea. Such a bad idea I did it twice.

8. Became very distraught about the Tom Brady injury. Somehow pulled himself out of the depths of depression to acceptance. Then realized Matt Cassel is fucking awesome.

7. Really, really really hates Virginia Tech. Makes all sorts of massacre jokes, but the Killer with a Superfan shirt never makes the internet.

6. Celebrated Halloween with Mass Hysteria by introducing the Hysterics to the comedic genius of GT.

5. Allowed the injured Tom Brady to guest post on the site and give his thoughts on the Patriots season. Mayhem ensued.

4. Liveblogged Game 5 of the ALCS with SmartyBarret and Co. Gave up on the game in the 7th inning, threw himself on the bed and came back to see the miracle win.

3. Found out that Trot Nixon is not a big fan of letting you stick your dick into anything with a pulse.

2. Wrote a really creepy love letter to Matt Ryan. FutureMrsHZMLS questioned his manhood after reading this post.

1. Gave the Hysterics a Patriots history lesson. Here. Here, here, here and here.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Official Mass Hysteria 2008-09 NFL Playoffs Fantasy Challenge


Ladies and gentlemen, step right up and get ready to embarass your editors! That's right folks, the regular season is over, the Patriots are not in the playoffs, but my fantasy football boner has not subsided. So here we go! ESPN has a lovely little challenge for the playoffs, and it's pretty easy. Just log in, build a team within the salary cap and try to beat down me and the other clowns here at MH. It shouldn't be too hard. Plus you can change your team week-to-week, so there's no harm in picking Antonio Gates this week, knowing that the Chargers are going to get bounced harder than a Baywatch video. Tell your friends, the more the merrier! Here's the info you'll need:


Then just register and create an entry. Once your team is set, don't forget to join the group.
Just search: Mass Hysteria Sports

Let the fun begin!

Yes, Matt Ryan is that Good


When Matt Ryan was drafted 3rd many of you were very upset with
the choice, while others felt he would be a bust. I understand that many of you felt that he would never hold a jock strap to your former incarcerated QB. Look Matt is isn't going to run around and make plays with his feet, but he is something Michael Vick never was. AN NFL QUARTERBACK. Today Matty is your AP Rookie of the Year, yes he even beat out Chris Johnson and Matt Forte who both had excellent seasons. And oh yeah, Matt is playing in the playoffs. Enjoy the best young QB in football right now, though it doesn't seem like you deserve him. For your enjoyment this was a comment on one of those blog articles, have a great Tuesday!

"Matt Ryan will stink in the NFL, I've seen him play at BC the last couple of seasons and have seen him make horrible decisions and blow every big game he's been in with the exception of the V-tech game this last year. I still can't believe the hype on this kid, I smell Kyle Boller all over this kid... And please keep this so in 4 years I tell you "I told you so."

Additional Editorial Info:
In case Brady and Cassel leave, I wanted to see something....

...Oh yeah.....

The Very Best of Mass Hysteria 2008: Part 1

In a spectacular gesture of narcissism, the editors of Mass Hysteria will be sharing their favorite pieces of 2008 with you, their loyal readers, this week. Some are old; some are new; all are deeply imbued with the kind of rabid Boston fandom you've come to expect from this fine website. Please to enjoy, and many thanks to all of you for your support these past few months! Happy New Year to all!

I'll start this party off, as I haven't posted in days and will be unlikely to do so again until well after New Year's. I'm very excited to share my Top 10 favorite posts I've written this year with all of you -- you know, from back when I was futuremrsrickankiel. Hope you enjoy! Oh, and in honor of my favorite tag:

10. I'm opening with a post that's actually from my long-forgotten first blog, which loyal readers Pepster and Rocco will doubtless recall: a groggy and somewhat abortive liveglog of Red Sox Opening Day in Japan. Please note the "PUT IN JED LOWRIE" refrain already making an appearance, despite this being the first game of the season.

9. Despite the giddy thrill of that first morning of baseball, I still had to break up with someone this season. It wasn't easy.

8. By this point, you're all doubtless familiar with the fact that hockey is the sport about which I am most fond of waxing philosophical. In the thick of last year's heady playoffs battle with Montreal, I wrote some of my most impassioned pleas for Bruins support -- which nobody read, since it was April and we hadn't made the site available for public viewing yet. Here's one of them, anyway.

7. I guess this has to make the cut, since it's the post that's caused the most stir over here: the infamous pink hat post.

6. This is actually a pair of posts. When my Bruins aren't playing, I sometimes amuse myself by obsessing about baseball statistics -- particularly ones involving pitching. Behold: my analyses of tragic figure Craig Hansen and the enigmatic Hideki Okajima.

5. I was at the post-Celtics victory riots! Well, kind of.

4. In easily my most depressing post to date, I expounded upon the need to trade Manny Ramirez just a week before he was sent packing to the Dodgers.

3. I've actually done this a few times, but you never forget your first. Or your most unnecessarily histrionic.

2. Yeah, I fucking hate the Giants. And don't you ever forget it.

1. Honestly, the breakfast post I wrote the morning after we lost to the Rays in Game 7 of the the ALCS is my favorite thing I've written for this site. That loss was very emotional for me (ask GHABB,Y~!... he's the one I called bawling after the game ended), and I think it served to crystallize something very important about just why I love sports. I'm proud of more than a few lines in there.

Stay tuned for more goodness from my fellow idiots, darlings, and travel safe if you're going anywhere for the holidays. May you all have attractive and non-syphilitic people to kiss on New Year's.

One final 2008 Pats game recap...wipes tears.

Let's just preface this entire post by warning you that I in no way laugh at the disabled, or make fun of those different than me. I am a compassionate human being that.....nah fuck it. I am a crude SOB that mocks everything that is even slightly different than me. If you are offended easily, please, please, please do NOT read on.

Sunday as we all know was the final Patriots game of the 2008 season, and possibly the last time Matt Cassel will be wearing a Pats uniform. Because of the implications of a bevy of games SmartyBarrett, FutureMrsHZMLS, Jennycupcakes and myself went to the local watering hole to watch the game. This bar is primo, within walking distance from my apartment they serve copious amounts of booze, greazy food and ugly beer promo girls try to seduce you into drinking their horseshit beer. The best part of this bar is the TV's, each booth has a mini flat screen in it, with the NFL package so you can watch any game you want which is great because the bars other big screens have the Pats on. Oh and for tech heads like SB, they have wireless internet so you can check your fantasy team any time you want. Just because this post is so blatantly offensive, I will change the name of this bar to "Captain Shitheads".

So we grab a booth and saddle in for the Pats game, ordered up myself a Magic Hat #9 and prepared myself for the game. This bar was strange today though, with the exception of FutureMrsHZMLS (Welker) and myself (Moss) every Pats jersey worn at the bar was a Brady #12. I don't know, if a player is gone for the year, it might be a signal to go to Modell's and grab a new Jarod Mayo jersey, I find it hard to get energized wearing a jersey of a guy who can't even walk right now. One particular enigmatic character had a Brady jersey on and boy was he excited for the game. He was about 4'10, had coke bottle rimmed glasses, a completely worn out Brady jersey and jeans that didn't even reach the top of his socks. He immediately caught our attention because in weeks prior I had eaten dinner at the same bar and he walked by our table muttering something to the extent of "Mother fucking snow trucks" or "Grass gobbled ass lovers". There was something obviously different about this guy, and the way he acted at the bar did nothing to ease my curiosity.

Not actual guy from bar, man in picture is far more retarded

Well throughout this whole game this little guy stood near our table and screamed at the TV's alot. He was guzzling O'Douls, which was good, because god knows how real beer would have interacted with his medication. There was something obviously very wrong with him, but what he kept yelling out was what kept me entertained in what was a very slow moving game. After Lamont Jordan scored the first touchdown our dwarfy friend was jumping up and down yelling "THE PATRIOTS ARE THE AFC CHAMMMMPIONS!!!!". "Not yet my friend, we still have a lot of work to do", I thought to myself. As CBS jumped back to James Brown for updates on any game the guy would yell out for whomever had scored. "THE BEARS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!", or the wildly inaccurate "THE RAIDERS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!" . The game was pretty slow, but the Patriots dominated from beginning to end, much to the excitement of the slow Brady fan.

We all left Captain Shitheads after the 1 oclock game, mainly because I had to drive and if I had another beer that would not be a possibility. The Patriots defense had done its job again, limiting the Bills to what seemed like 1 first down in the second half. I came back to my apartment and laid in bed and watched Brett Favre lay an epic shit at the Meadowlands, and listened to the Jaguars play Jaguar football on Sirius. After those games were over I felt a little numb, the season was over, we played 11-5 football and still didn't make the playoffs. Matt Cassel played football that no one expected, we had a defense that finally showed up with the arrivals of Rosie Colvin and Old Man Seau, and a running game! But this still was not enough to make the playoffs. Man this sucks, but to keep myself in perspective I thought of my expectations after Brady went down, and how they progressed to my high hopes going into Week 17. "THE PATRIOTS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!" kept echoing in my head. Not this year my simpleton friend, not this year....

Pictures courtesy of

Breakfast with the Hysterics


So last night was a very uneventful night in Boston sports, and sports in general. No Monday Night Football, no Bruins, no Celtics. If my college hoops columns are capturing your attention at all, you may or may not have watched Georgetown hand UConn their first loss of the season last night. In the great lovely adequate state of Connecticut no less. The man-beast that is DaJuan Summers dropped 18 points and the Hoyas played some serious lock-down defense to secure the win. They also managed to do what no other team has been able to do this year - shut down Hasheem Thabeet, holding him to just four points on 2 of 4 shooting. He did however have 7 blocks in a solid defensive effort.

So if you haven't heard the rumors already - and I assume you have by now - your Boston Red Sox attempted to acquire Hanley Ramirez after losing out on Mr. Teixiera. When HzMLS sent me this link last night I almost fell out of bed. Then I looked at Hanley's numbers and almost shot my wad all over my computer screen. If I were a woman, these numbers would make me pregnant. If I were a pregnant woman, they would immediately induce labor. Seriously, like who do you want? Buchholz? Here. I'll drive Clay straight to Florida myself. Jacoby? Here. Want Mike Lowell back too? Here. I think the only person off-limits would be Jon Lester in a deal to acquire this guy, honestly. Give them whatever they want.

Question to the Sox fans: What would you be willing to give up to get Hanley? Or, maybe more accurately, what would you be unwilling to give up?

Monday, December 29, 2008

Look Everyone, The Red Sox Did Something!


Well what do you know? There is a baseball team in town after all! With not much to speak on except the non-signing of Mark Teixeira, the Red Sox fiiiiinally made a noteworthy move this offseason. A few moves actually. The first is that they signed pitcher Brad Penny to a one-year deal worth $5 million, with incentives that could pay him up to $8 million. The incentives are strictly innings-pitched related. Let me get right down to it - I love this deal. First of all, with a rotation of Beckett, Lester, Matsuzaka, Wakefield, and ????, it's clear they needed another starter. I'm not completely sold on Buchholz just yet, and moving Masterson into the rotation will weaken their bullpen. Second, this is a very low risk contract from the Sox standpoint. Five million is nothing when you're John Henry - if it doesn't work out it's no big loss at all. Third, and most importantly, Brad Penny is pretty damn good. I know last year's numbers were poor, but keep in mind he was battling injuries for most of the season. I'm not going to completely dismiss last year though, but rather be optimistic that he has recovered from his arm troubles, and also note that the Red Sox have shown that they can develop programs to manage players with arm injuries. That said, looking at Penny's numbers from 2006 and 2007 gives me tremendous hope. In 07 he was just out-of-his-mind nasty, posting a 151 ERA+ (!!!), a 1.31 WHIP, and 135 K's in 208 innings. Career year? Perhaps. But if he can still throw mid-to-high-90's with downward movement, he has a chance to miss plenty of bats. 2006 was a little more down to earth, but still solid, posting a 1.38 WHIP, a 104 ERA+, and 148 K's in 189 innings. In fact, Penny has posted an ERA+ over 100 in 5 of the last 6 years, the only exception being 2008. For those unfamiliar with the stat, that means he has been better than league average in terms of ERA. Bottom line: it's a risk well worth taking if he returns to the pitcher he was pre-2008. If not, it only costs you $5 million. If you further take into account that he is replacing Paul Byrd, it's hard to argue with this move.

"I love this move, Uncle Gadget!"

Remember Josh Bard? If not, here's a bit of a refresher. Sox acquired him in the deal that brought Coco to Boston, then short-sightedly traded his non-knuckleball-handling ass to the Whale's Vagina for Dougie Mirabelli. HzMLS and I sat in the center field bleachers that night, as Belli got escorted by the fuzz to the park just in time for him to not go deep. Anyway, Bard is back once again, another 30-year-old signed to another one year deal for short money. Can't argue with this one either. Bard is actually better than some think, and looking at the numbers I wonder if there's a chance he'll be the Opening Day starter this year. There is no doubt his last two seasons were better than Varitek's, so let's play a bit of a hypothetical as to what this move does to the current catcher-of-ball dilemma. hypothesizes that Bard could start, with the Sox re-signing Varitek and asking him to assume the duties of catching Tim Wakefield. I would not have a problem with this scenario at all, but I don't think Varitek would go for it. The second option would be to sign Tek and start him, with Bard serving as the backup. I don't see this happening either, for two reasons. First, Bard has shown that he cannot handle Wakefield, and presumably one of the conditions when he was brought back was that he would no longer have to catch the knuckler. Second, Bard is a better offensive player than Tek at this juncture by virtually every measure. The third option is Bard is the starter and the Sox find a backup who can handle Wakefield, either from within (Dusty Brown, anyone?) or a replacement-level player in free agency. For the record, I think this is the most likely scenario. Or fourth, the Sox pool together some prospects and acquire a Teagarden or a Saltalamacchia in a trade, and Bard serves as the backup. Either way, it seems to me that Jason Varitek's days in Boston are numbered, unless he is willing to not only catch Tim Wakefield this year, but also accept a reduced role with the team.

But yeah, hooray baseball and stuff! Think I'm an idiot? Am I missing something? Comment away!

If Eminem Had Been The Dallas Cowboys


SCENE: Detroit, Michigan. A local rap contest is under way. Young white trash local Jimmy "B-Rabbit" Smith is facing off against the notorious Papa Doc.

The DJ lays down some Mobb Deep. The brash, cocky youngster grabs the mic. The bass rattles through the dingy hall as he begins his rhyme. He knows this is his shot, and he's only got one... It's winner take all....

"Rap song... Rap rap song! We sing rap songs and we're from Detroit! Rappa rappa rappa!"

/has explosive diarrhea on stage


/cries again

/curls up into a little ball


/more diarrhea


/blames coach

/blames media

/blames coach again

/more diarrhea


/blames Jessica Simpson


(Go Iggles)

Breakfast with the Hysterics


So this is how the Patriots season ends. A win yesterday completed a perfect December. An 11-5 season. Over the past few months we saw Matt Cassel emerge as an every-day NFL starter for years to come. And yet we won't see how he'll perform in the playoffs. Or how this Patriots team will perform in the playoffs. Would they have gone far? Doubtful, but anything can happen once you're in the dance. It's hard to be too upset though; what more could you have asked from this team? I don't want to use injuries as an excuse, but more as a mere fact: this team was hurt. Banged up. REALLY badly. And they still managed to go 11-5. It's a real testiment to the coaching staff, the players who filled in and even the regular every-day players who were healthy for the entire year. When it's all said and done, we should look back on this season as a tremendous success. I'm sure HzMLS will have more on this game coming up. Also, he may touch on OMG MATT RYAN IS IN TEH PLAY0FFZ!!!

Helping to put this loss (as well as losses to the Lakers and *gulp* Golden State) in the rearview were the Boston Celtics, who unleashed an insane beatdown of the Sac-town Kings last night. Ray Allen, KG, and my man Perkins all got in the act, dominating the paint on both ends of the floor. I know it doesn't make the SportsCenter highlights, but goddamn this team's defense is a joy to watch. Add three Bruins wins to the mix - making it four in a row all on the road - and Boston sports is looking good for the rest of the winter.

I guess this is where I should launch into a rant about Brett Favre. About how he's not very good at football. About how I don't understand why people think he is. But I mean, what can I say that you can't already figure out from watching him play? If our playoff hopes were hinging on him coming through in a big game, was over before it started.

Go Patriots.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Brett Favre is a useless human being


Fuck you Brett Favre. We all knew you were an over rated, washed up, drug addled Peter King masturbation fantasy. But did you have to blow this badly in what could be your last game? Jesus tap dancing Christ, 3 interceptions, and a gigantic epic failure against the Dolphins. You are utterly useless, go away, make some more Wrangler commercials and hunt moose or whatever animal it is that you shoot. Thanks dickhole, I didn't want to see how Matt Cassel would perform in the playoffs anyways.

And Phil Simms if you say that Favre is a Top 3 QB of all time again, I will mail you fecal matter.

Consider this an open thread for the night, post thoughts or angry rants. I will be around to unload some expletive laden tirades later tonight in the comment section.

Friday, December 26, 2008

OMG! Tom and Gisele are totally engaged!!!!


Up the minute information coming into Mass Hysteria Studios. Super hunk and Patriots QB Tom Brady is reportedly now engaged to model Gisele Bunchden, after popping the question on Christmas Eve. Word from super reliable , says that the dreamboat loaded his private jet with four dozen roses, and champagne and popped the question during the flight. What a romantic!!! Wow, Gisele is one lucky lady to land a stud who not only makes the big money but is a great person at heart. Bridget Moynahan could not be reached for comment, but like who cares she is a total whale anyways. More super breaking news and updates from Perez Hilton as soon as they become available.

Post Christmas Brain Smoosh


So my favorite Christmas present was getting violently sick on Xmas night. I had to skip a day of skiing and instead tried to recuperate after a night of launching my insides into a toilet bowl. I am a complete waste of space right now; I can hardly move, and well, there is nothing but SHIT on TV on December 26th. So what do I watch? ESPN - so I can hear Stuart Scott refer to Kobe Bryant as equivalent "to two players of the Celtics big three," Michael Wilbon refer to Pau Gasol as the answer to Kobe's prayers (HEY WILBON WHEN HE STOPS PLAYING LIKE A PUSSY IN THE PLAYOFFS YOU CAN MAKE THAT ANNOUNCEMENT), and the posted commercial above. If you are having post Christmas holiday blues I recommend avoiding it. .....AND ESPN IS STILL TALKING ABOUT THE CELTICS GAME!

Oh post script :
"The Lakers are clearly the best team in the NBA"
" Clearly the Lakers have a mental edge over the Celtics"
(both submitted by Sportscenter viewers, who obviously drank paint thinner as children)

/I'm going to try to lay down and not die

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Twas the Night Before Christmas, Mass Hysteria Edition


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the blog

Only GHABB,Y was stirring, laying a shit log,

Red Stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that Teixeira (SHIT!) soon would be there;

The readers were passed out and drunk in their beds,

While visions of championships danced in their heads;

Hazel, dressed a Superfan, and Smarty in URI cap,

Tried to feed GHABB,Y sugar, and wake DaveR from his nap.

Sh!tshow called his bookie, but had run out of cash,

And Raquel took in Christmas by smoking some hash.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

We, drunk and stoned, stumbled to see what was the matter.

The moon on the breast of some more goddamned snow

Gave the lustre of Foxboro to objects below.

When, what to our wondering eyes should we see,

But a miniature Edsel, and eight minorities.

With a little old driver, so racist and naughty,

We knew in a moment it must be Foxtrotty.

More rapid than eagles his Freed-Men they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Papist! now, Spaniard! now, Free Negro Ortiz!

On, Hebrite! On Irish! On Hispano-Portugee!

To the right field porch and the left field wall!

You damnable freed-men must smash the base-ball!"

Like Rondo on the court these Freed-Men did fly,

And with the crack of a whip, they took to the sky,

So up to the house-top, like Cassel’s passes they flew,

With a sleigh full of
Irish-Abusers, and Messr. Foxtrotty too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The stomping and dragging of each minority hoof.

Irish-Abuser in hand, he then turned around,

And down the chimney Messr. Foxtrotty came with a bound.

He was dressed fine linens, from head to his shoe,

Wearing a formal wool suit, designed by a Jew;

A bundle of presents he had flung on his back,

And he looked strong of constitution, unlike the haemophiliac.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his ascot how merry!

His cheeks were not jaundiced, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was pursed at the lips,

And his handlebar mustache, so sharp at each tip;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face, and his knuckles were ruddy,

That bled when he would beat an Irishman bloody.

Worthington then looked upon us, that son of a gun,

And turned his ire to us editors, drunken one by drunken one.

He first looked to Raquel, called her a painted whore,

But she did not hear him, as she checked the B’s score;

His ire soon met Smarty, who was on the toilet bootin’,

Though his vomit may have actually come from eating some gluten;

Soon Sh!tShow and DaveR were next in his round,

But the absentee editors simply could not be found;

He next turned to GHABB,Y but had little luck,

Further emotionally damaging that miserable diabetic fuck;

He finally turned upon Hazel, and insulted Matt Ryan,

And at the mention of an Eagle, HZMLS started cryin’.

His mission finally accomplished, he laid a finger by his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his minorities gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, unless you’re a Hebrite."

Breakfast With the Hysterics


*The Bruins beat the Devils last night 2-0. The B's are now seven points clear of their nearest contender in the East, and 12 points ahead of the Habs in the Northeast Division. Tim Thomas earned the shutout with 25 saves, and Milan Lucic broke a scoreless tie in the third with a goal. Sadly, Phil Kessel did not Hyuk himself a point last night after scoring in 18 straight games.

(Raquel, please note that the above paragraph did not disparage hockey, the Bruins, Gary Bettman, Versus, the B's broadcast team, the word "puck" or even mention Andy Moog in any way. You're welcome, and now I don't have to get you anything for Christmas.)

*The Celtics won their team-record 19th consecutive game and set the record for Best Start evAr by beating the Sixers last night 110-91. The C's will now head into Thursday's Christmas Battel against the Lakers at 27-2, and without a rapist or a bearded Spaniard on their team. The Ghost of Christmas Future sees a Phil Jackson soul patch filled with tears, and a Tobey Maguire courtside seat without an owner. Yes, the Celtics will win by so much that it will, in fact, kill Spider-Man.

*Apparently, the Yankees have signed Kevin Cash. To paraphrase a famous saying, first they came for CC Sabathia, and I said nothing. Then they came for AJ Burnett, and I said nothing. Then they came for Big Tex, and I said nothing. Then they came for Kevin Cash, and there was no one left to say anything. THE YANKEES ARE PERPETRATING A BASEBALL HOLOCAUST.

*As the guy whose senior thesis was greatly aided by the interwebz efforts of a sports blog (in my case, Will's benevolent decision to link to my thesis survey, which got 5,000 responses in a half hour and helped me write a 173-page undergraduate thesis on professional wrestling, which, of course, got an A), I would like to link a similar thesis survey of a friend of mine. This being the holidays, be a mensch, take this survey and help my friend out. It'll help her graduate, and it'll help you not earn my vengeful wrath. In other linkity goodness, here's my column this week. Sadly, they don't let me say "fuck" and make me write about their made-up fantasy game, but hey, it's something else for you to read while you're counting down the hours until your boss stops being an asshole and sends everyone home early.

My Christmas present to the Mass Hysteria community (and my fellow editors) will be going up this afternoon, so stick around and have a great Christmas Eve Day.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Money Talks. Some Money Talks Louder.

So did I ever tell you guys that I used to sell cars?

Oh sure, it was high-end upscale cars that cost more than most of us make in a year... but the car business is the car business, whether you're pushing Jags for Foreign Motors West or Scions for Ernie Boch Jr. No matter what you're selling, the person on the other side of the table thinks you're lying to them, that you're out to cheat them, and that no matter what price you quote them, they can get a better deal out of you, or someone else if you're not going to play ball.

Also, they have the money. They may want your car, but you REALLY want their money, and as much of it as you can take.

So when your weekly paycheck completely depends on separating as much of that money from said person as quickly and efficiently as possible, you learn a couple of things about negotiation strategies.

And so we come to the New York Yankees, who today reportedly swooped in and signed Mark Teixeira for $22.5M per year for 8 years, give or take.

Just like I expected.

Of course everyone thought I was cuckoo for thinking this -- how could the Yankees afford another $180M after laying out so much cash for C.C. Sabathia ($161M) and A.J. Burnett ($82.5M)? (Plus, Teixeira doesn't have initials for his first name! Clearly not a fit!) I believe the phrase "batshit insane" was bandied about as well. (Although it was bandied with love and affection, and therefore I don't take it personal or nothin'.)

The answer is simple: Functionally, the Yankees do not have any spending limits. Practically, the Yankees aren't even up to last year's payroll -- and they're moving into a new stadium with lots of new revenue opportunities this year. Using conservative estimates, the Yankees will probably make two to three times as much from ticket revenue as the Red Sox next year. They'll probably make 5-10 times as much as the Red Sox from their media outlets (TV, radio, etc.) Oh, by the way -- here's a dirty little secret that MLB has gone to great lengths to not mention at all: there's an offset to the revenue sharing calculation (a pot to which $100M or so of Yankee income typically goes) based on costs relating to new stadium construction. This was designed to help small-market teams finance the cost of building new stadia, by essentially upping their revenue sharing such that big-market teams bore a part of the costs of the construction. (The technical method is that a team is allowed to deduct certain stadium-related expenses from their gross local revenue for revenue sharing purposes; that gross revenue determines whether the team pays or receives revenue sharing payments.) Well guess what? The Yankees just paid an assload of money to build Yankee Stadium 2.0. Much of which will be deductible from their income in 2009 for revenue sharing. Which means that not only won't the Yankees be sharing much of that copious new revenue they're generating, there's a theoretical chance they may actually wind up receiving revenue sharing payments!!!! (It's a slim chance, true -- it's expected that the new revenue will more than offset the "credit" from the stadium expenses. But there's still a chance... and did you ever think back in 2003 that the Yankees would be paid to take A-Rod?)

But they still have to negotiate deals with these people. And that's where strategy comes in. And that's why I completely expected the Yankees to become involved in the Teixeira negotiations, and likely win them, even when Bonnie Prince Hal was denying everything.

(So did I ever tell you guys that I went to college with Hal Steinbrenner? Nice kid. Quiet. Better looking than his dad.)

"But Pimp", you say, "the Yankees went after Sabathia immediately and actively. Isn't that their negotiating strategy? Why didn't they go after Teixeira like that? They didn't even talk to him until today, apparently!"

If you want to win a negotiation, you need to know some things. Presumably, you already know your side of things -- what your parameters are, what you hope to achieve, and what you want to get from the negotiation. You also need to know who's sitting on the other side of the table -- what they're hoping to achieve from the negotiation, what motivates them, what you have that they want. Finally, you need to know who else is in the game, and what they're bringing to the table. If you have all of that information, and it is accurate, then you will "win" the negotiation. Either you will get what you want, or you will know that the circumstances are such that you were not going to get what you wanted within your acceptible parameters.

Although it's difficult, I know, pretend that you're in charge of the Yankees. You know what you have that others want -- money, and lots of it. You also have some intangibles going for you -- you're always competitive, you play in a marquee city, your captain truly Knows What It Is To Be A Yankee (/heavenly trumpets), etc. But mainly you have money, and lots of it.

First, you have in front of you Carsten Charles Sabathia. CeeCee is a sensitive sort of guy -- as Peter Gammons would put it, "a great player and an even better human being." He wants to play near his home. He wants to make his family happy. He still wants to win, of course, and he still wants to get paid... but you can't be sure that money is such a big driver for him. So how do you play this negotiation? Well, in this case, your strategic advantage -- money, and lots of it -- may not be the motivating factor. You just don't know. So you need to take the initiative. YOU make the first offer, and make it good. Use your financial advantage to your advantage. Put the dollar figure at or near what everyone reasonably expects to be the top offer anyone would rationally make to him. Hint that the offer might not be around forever, but don't pin him to the wall with a "take it or leave it within a week" ultimatum.

What does this accomplish for you? Well, first, it drives away a lot of the competition. Teams that know they can't compete with you financially, and which don't have any sort of non-financial competitive advantage, e.g. shitloads of fuckable blondes (see, e.g.. Los Angeles, Derek Lowe), are quickly out of the running, and often don't even bother to make offers. Maybe CC truly wanted to play in Oakland. We'll never know. Second, and more importantly, it tells you whether you'll get your guy. If you recall, the Yankees made their offer, and CC promptly sat on it. Didn't say yes; didn't say no. You'd think that this meant that Sabathia wasn't completely driven by money; that he was looking for an excuse to go to the team that he really wanted to play for (arguably the Angels or Dodgers). And you'd be correct. But notice what he didn't do -- he didn't reject the offer. So while you, as the Yankees, knew that money wasn't going to be the deciding factor, you now have a clue that money would be a deciding factor. So you're still in the game, because your competitive advantage is still working for you. In the end, the Yankees just upped the deal enough so that CC's interest in money overrode his interest in playing in LA -- something that the Dodgers and Angels were unable to do, since the Yankees could always add another million a year at will. And the Yankees won. Mission accomplished.

Now, you have Mark Teixeira. Teixeira, for all his expressed desire to play near his Baltimore home, still has Scott Boras as an agent. If you have Boras as your agent, money is your main concern. Period. That is why you bring in Scott Boras -- because he is adept at getting top dollar for his clients. So right away, you, as the Yankees, know that you have the upper hand in these negotiations, because you have the pot of gold, and everyone else doesn't. This time, though, you're up against the Red Sox, who also have a ton of money. Not as much as you, but enough to compete with you, and they also have many of the same intangibles that you have. They are clearly your toughest negotiating opponent.

If you are the Yankees, and you are battling the Red Sox for a money-oriented player, there is one, and only one, way to play the negotation: you MUST be the last voice that is heard at the table. You don't even need to speak before that. No matter what happens, you WILL win if you want to win. Because no matter what the Red Sox offer, you can always offer $1M/year, or $2M/year, or $5M a year more. Always. Therefore, here is what you do: you shut the fuck up. Let Buster Olney and Peter Gammons speculate about whether the Nationals will build around Teixeira on the verdant banks of the Anacostia. Let John Henry get politely pissy about Boras' hard-core negotiation strategies. Let the numbers fly around -- $160M. $170M. $178M/9 years. Let the Sox make their best offer and come thisclose to hammering out a deal.

Then wait.

The phone will ring. It will be Scott Boras. He will tell you what the Red Sox offered, and what he thinks he could reasonably extract out of them.

Then you decide whether you want Mark Teixeira on your team or not. Because it's just a matter of picking a number at that point.

Now having said that... what does this substantively do for the Yankees? Well, the Yankees are improved over the team that would have taken the field at House That Ruth 2.0 Built in April had the Yanks made no moves, that's for sure. But the team that would have taken the field then would have struggled to beat out the Orioles for last place in the AL East. Yankee fans may be gloating over this deal, but it doesn't hide the fact that the Yankees are -- gasp -- rebuilding. And this deal is, notwithstanding what Tony Maz may think, more important for the Yankees than it is for the Red Sox. If they do nothing other than sign a catcher in the rest of the offseason, the Sox will still be competitive in the AL East next year, if not favored. (Let's wait for the Rays to prove they can perform consistently before we completely hand them next year's title, okay?) If the Yankees had done nothing, they would have had Wang and a gang of unproven AAA arms in their rotation, with a rapidly aging and injury prone offense having to score 10 runs a game at least to compensate. Hardly a recipe for success.

Now, the Yankees are back in the game. Teixeira shores up what has been a black hole in the Yankee lineup the past couple of years. (Doug Mientkiewicz? Really???) Sabathia and Burnett are much, much better than any of the pre-existing options availabe to the Yankees. This is now a team built to compete. But is it a team built to win?

Probably not. The Yankees still have a lot of questions around them. Xavier Nady is the only "sure thing" in the outfield right now. Johnny Damon (remember him?) is a walking hamstring pull these days, and he's getting to the age where bat speed starts to degrade. (Just ask Jason Varitek.) Nobody seems to be sure whether Melky Cabrera can be an everyday centerfielder in the AL. In fact, it seems as if the Yankees believe he CAN'T; otherwise, there's absolutely no explanation for their interest in the withering corpse of Mike Cameron. Robinson Cano at this point is basically Julio Lugo with better press and more upside. Oh, and your shortstop has less fielding range than my Roomba. (But those unnecessary jump-throws sure look good on SportsCenter, don't they?) Finally, there's that enigma at third base. Who knows what to expect from him anymore?

IF -- and these are big ifs -- Youkilis' 2008 season was indicative of what is to come from him, and IF Mike Lowell returns to health, then the Red Sox are still a better team than the Yankees on paper. But the gap is a lot narrower now than it was a month ago. That's cause for concern on the part of Sox fans... but it's not cause for panic.

Just remember -- it's pronounced "salt-uh-la-MOCK-ee-uh"....

The Patriots Need a Little Holiday Magic


HZMLS: Santa Favre, I was wondering if you had any updates on my Christmas present this year?

Santa Favre: To tank for the last 5 weeks of the season and let the Patriots in the Postseason?

HZMLS: Yeah. You did a great job so far, 1 TD and 7 INT's in four games is great! But things have changed a little, I now want you to win the final game against the Jets on Sunday. You are going to have to play well.

SF: Ho Ho Ho, that's a pickle lilly..hmmmm... let me think, I am going to have to drastically step my game up (pauses five minutes). This sounds like a pretty important game, it might take all of my play making skills to win this. Looks like its time to ignore Coach Mangini's playbook and do my best to create...

H: I was hoping you wouldn't throw much at all, maybe instead could you just hand the ball off to Thomas Jones and Leon Washington.

SF: My littlest elf Leon? Oh come on, I have two Super Bowl Championships, and the most TD throws in NFL history. It's going to be a cold game, and Santa Favre NEVER LOSES in the cold. You've gotta trust me in a game like this, come on I'm SANTA FAVRE.

H: Santa Favre the last game you played in the cold you lost to the Seahawks last weekend, and you also lost to the Giants at Lambeau last year.

SF: How dare you question the power of Santa Favre, those losses were not my fault, it was um the defense! Ask Santa's biggest supporter's Peter King and John Madden, they always have my back

H: Forget this, this is going nowhere. I know someone else I should see to get help...

David G. : Happy Kwaanza mutha fucka!

HZMLS: Hi David. (interrupted)

OG: Naw dawg, don't use that name no mo. Call me OG from now on. You dig?

H: Ok sure, OG, I need your help. Next Sunday I need the Ravens to lose to your Jaguars, can you do that?

OG: Hell yeah my dude. Here's what I do, man, I just take the ball and I huck it over and over again to Troy Williamson and Reggie Williams. Shit I don't need Matt Jones's cracka ass, dudes gotta chill with the yayo. Man with my arm, shiiit, I'm looking at like 35 points. Ya know what I'm sayin?

H: Um, well, uh, you could do that David..

OG: It'z OG bitch.

H: Oh sorry OG. But maybe you could hand the ball off to MJD 25-30 times a game. He does represent your best chance to win doesn't he?

OG: Excuse me. Who da fuck are you? I AM THE MUTHA FUCKIN' JAGUARS! If we iz gonna beat the Ravens, itz on my arm! So git your 40's and yo Patron, I'm going to torch those mutha fuckaz on Sunday. I'm outta here, HAVE A GREAT KWANZAA U HURD ME???

H: There is no hope. Weeps quietly to himself.

Our Swag is Not Terribly Phenomenal


One of the articles I look forward to every year is the one listing which free gifts are given to the participants in each college bowl, and this year Sports Business Journal has a great breakdown of whose swag truly is phenomenal, and Fox Sports has it in even greater detail, and with pretty pictures. For the record, your Boston College Eagles, for their troubles, will receive a Fossil watch, a backpack, an Adidas fleece jacket, a New Era cap, and a gift pack from Sony that includes noise-cancelling headphones and an MP3 player. Seriously, that's it? Some headphones and a fucking Adidas jacket? Oh boy, can imagine the noise-cancelling headphones should come in handy in front of Vanderbilt's uncouth batch of ruffians gathered to cheer on their home team. I heard that when the Commodores are in the red zones, all their fans clink their mint juleps together. At least the headphones can block out the noise of white Jersey-ite BC students asking the players why they at least could've beat the spread in the ACC Championship game.

Some other highlights of this year's "Free Bowl Shit," not to be confused with the "Loose Bowl Shit" I took this morning, and again twice this afternoon:

*Wake Forest and Navy each received a wool afghan for participating in last weekend's EagleBank Bowl. Because what better way to say "thanks" to our armed forces than to give them an ugly fucking afghan.

*Kansas and Minnesota had relatively disappointing seasons, and will relatively disappoint in the the relatively dissapointing Insight Bowl. What do they earn for this relative disappointment? Every player on both teams receives a not-remotely-disappointing free 26-inch LCD HDTV. Jesus fucking Christ, what would these players have received if their teams went 8-4 instead of 7-5? My guess: seventy-seven virgins, each skilled in the ancient art of massaging the prostate for male orgasm.

*The Alamo Bowl is giving out 80GB Sony PS3s to all of the players on the Missouri and Northwestern rosters. This is by far the best gift given to any bowl participants, and if I was a Florida Gator playing for the national title, I'd be pretty pissed off that I got a pair of dumb-ass looking Crocs instead of a PS3. (And yes, I know I'm opening myself to a bunch of "but Tebow loves Crocs!" zingers in the comments, so blow it out your ass)

*Maryland and Nevada are playing in the Humanitarian Bowl, and will receive winter jackets, hoodies, skull caps and gloves. In a related story, the Humanitarian Bowl is played in the freezing cold of Boise. Weirdly enough, this bowl also gives out a "nail kit" to each player, so when they're snowed indoors and wondering why they're spending their winter break in Boise, they can at least have buffed and clipped fingernails.

*Ohio State and Texas will each receive the "MyVu personal media viewer electronic sunglasses." Colt McCoy will then be able to live out his lifelong dream of being Max Headroom.

*LSU and Georgia Tech, playing in the Chick-Fil-A Bowl, will each receive a gift certificate to, you guessed it, Chick-Fil-A. Now, being the bowl's sponsor and all, I'm sure that you expect this to be a high-dollar gift card, meant to encourage the players to frequent their local Chick-Fil-A on a regular basis, right? Yeah, about about fifteen bucks? Fifteen fucking dollars? Are you shitting me? Have you SEEN the LSU D-Line? That shit won't even cover dessert. "Thanks for risking life and limb to play in our bowl game, here's enough for a meal and a half, or, if you want, two kids meals." Oh, and they're not open on Sundays because God said so. Goddamned Jesus Chicken, maybe BC was better off playing in Nashville after all.

Ho Ho Ho: HZMLS's Perverted, and Deprived Xmas List


The malls are all crowded with thousands of people who like myself have waited until the last minute to get their shopping done. If you are smart and did your shopping in November, most likely you are missing the living hell that is the American Department store in December. No parking, pushy assholes who grab the last thing you are looking for, and CHRISTMAS MUSIC CHRISTMAS MUSIC CHRISTMAS MUSIC. Christmas shopping ranks as one of the things I hate most in life, right after getting a cavity filled, talking to my great uncle about his life, and listening to Dane Cook stand up. Now, I know most of you are still looking for a great Christmas gift for me, and what can I say I am a hard person to shop for. But to make things easier for you, I have comprised my wish list for Christmas gifts this year.

1. Matt Ryan Jersey (either Atlanta Falcons or his BC Jersey)- Yeah I bet you all figured this was going to be on my list (or were disappointed I don't own one already). No, I don't want a replica of his jersey, which you can get at any Olympia Sports, or at Alumni Stadium. I want a REAL Matt jersey, worn by the savior of the Atlanta Falcons and the best football player to ever play the game. I expect the jersey to be not cleaned, and to be game worn. If it has been cleaned the sweet smell of victory and awesomeness will be absent, and well that kind of ruins the point. Extra credit for an accompanied personally signed picture from Matt Ryan.

2. A stripper, or strippers.
: Yes, HazelmaesLandingstrip is getting married next year.I have about 8 months of bachelorhood left, and let's be honest it scares the crap out of me. Just to think come next August I will be spending my Saturday nights shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond and will be forced to actually budget my money for you know important things. All I am asking you is for some nice silicon bouncing in my face, and hell the trashier the better. If you run down to the Golden Banana in Peabody you probably could get a stripper cheaper than the cost of a Christmas Tree. I would prefer one that smelled like a mixture of Kool Cigarettes, generic vodka and death, because I have never had a lapdance, and I want to have the true stripper experience.

3. Mark Teixeira. I am tired of this saga, Boras plays John Henry, Henry plays hardball. ENOUGH ALREADY JUST SHOW HIM THE MONEY AND BRING HIM HERE. David Ortiz body is falling apart, and Mike Lowell is closer to 45 then his listed age. Plus if the Yankees sign him, I may go postal.

4. Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe. Holy-fucking-shit. If you play video games and read comics this is the menage-a-trois that you always dreamed about. The thought of Sub Zero ripping off Superman's head gives me goose chills, and if Scorpion can toast Batman well I'm sold. Mortal Kombat was the shit when I was a kid, I remember playing the game in secret, because my parents would have killed me if they saw me playing it. Plus I really, really wanted to have sexual relations with Sonya Blade. The only downfall? The Super Hero's have no Finishing Moves, which is pretty gay.

5. If you could please pray to the football gods that Eric Mangini gets fired after the season that would be great. I want to see his squirrely ass coaching the Lions, or some Arena Football League whenever they decide to have a season again.

6. A Boston Bruins Media Guide: After getting thoroughly chewed out by Raquel for failing to realize the awesomeness of David Krejci, I realized something. No matter how hard I try, I have a real hard time following the Bruins online. Whenever I try to read a recap on, I find myself wandering over to Youporn, or reading about how terrible the Lions are. My attention span for hockey is nil, which is sad because honestly I really like the game. I used to watch it all the time when Andy Moog was around, and Cam Neely and Ray Bourque were so awesome. It's just after the strike I lost focus, and I need a guide that I can throw on my coffee table so I don't sound like a retard when I talk about hockey.

7. Tickets to a Red Sox game- Long ago I spent a cold December after noon in "Waiting Room Hell", which lasted basically the entire day as I clicked refresh over and over again, until finally around 5pm when I got the opportunity to purchase two Upper Bleacher tickets for a game against the Royals in April. The Waiting Room is as painful to sit through as Christmas Shopping, and while I'm at I want all scalpers to get syphilis for making ticket purchasing so god damn hard. Well, I gave up on Waiting Room years ago, as I found that ANYTHING is more productive on a Saturday than that. So, if you want to go to a Sox game with someone who loves to drink and make inappropriate jokes this might be an easy Xmas gift.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Seau gets Pwned


I have been looking all over the interwebs today for a picture/video of Junior Seau getting clobbered on the sideline yesterday by Todd Kobus and where else do you find these things but Deadspin. The story is pretty interesting, so of course the MHer's should hear about it. Kobus who is 31, has never been laid in his life, and in an act of total desperation tried to impress a woman two rows behind him by tackling the aging lineback on the Patriots sideline. "HEY IF I TACKMEL SAY-OW WILL YOU MAKES OUT WITH MEEE?" The woman rightfully laughed it off, which Kobus took as a yes. After decking Seau with ease, Kobus was escorted to jail where he got his wish losing his virginity to Angel a transexual from Roxbury being held on prostitution charges.

Thanks Todd for continuining to make Boston sports fans look like retards. I hope Santa leaves you a big smelly pile of runny shit in your stocking for Christmas.

HZMLS v HWVGL: Cardinals and Patriots

It isn't much of a secret that HazelMaesLandingstrip has been all over the place with his predictions about the Patriots. After the injury to Tom Brady he proclaimed the Patriots were doomed, that Matt Cassel would fail this team, and he began counting the days until the 2009 season started. Recently he has been more level headed, he has realized the potential of the Pats, along with their strengths and weaknesses. In an act that would make Sigmund Freud proud, the editors of Mass Hysteria Sports have temporarily split our football editor's psyche into two segments in order to discuss yesterday's game. Hazelmaeslandingstrip is the irrational, loudmouthed, malcontent while HeidiWatneysVirginalGoodLooks takes a big deep breath and sees the good in everything.

Mass Hysteria Proudly Presents HazelMaesLandingstrip vs HeidiWatneysVirginalGoodLooks

What were your thoughts on this game?
What a fantastic game played by the Patriots, good offense, solid defense and snow football! How can you complain about a game like this, 47 points, a Wes Welker snow angel, and a running game that shoved the ball down the Cardinals gullet all game. How can you complain, Kurt Warner (no sir, NO MVP FOR YOU) looked like 2005 Kurt Warner. Plus the cheerleaders wore Santa Claus hats. A+ all around

I agree mostly with my moist crotch counter part, but my god this game was fucking boring. This was a formulaic game from the 2007-08 season, the Patriots jump to a huge lead by halftime and I spend the entire second half with my hands down my pants looking at half naked pictures of Patriot's cheerleaders. A win is great, but my god when the last 30 minutes of the game are spent running down the clock, its more boring than watching Arena Football.

If you could sleep with any celebrity alive or dead who would it be and why?

Oh definitely Brooke Shields, she looks like the type of woman you take to a good movie, bring home to mom and make her your wifey. Traditional good looks, nice body, great smile and seems like a fantastic girl.

Hey dick cheese, if you came up with a cornier answer you would have corncob prongs sticking out of your ass. My choice for a girl? Meagan motherfucking Fox. That broad knows what she is doing, I want a girl that looks at my dick like food and she hasn't eaten in a week. Jesus Christ, I would take that girl to a pay by the hour motel,wear her out, and never call her again. And guess what? She would love every second of it.

Yesterday the Patriots took the Cardinals to school at the Razor with a 47-7 win. Who was the MVP of the game?

Again, it is becoming redundant but Matt Cassel is the MVP of not only this game, but for the entire Patriots season. The way he is playing and progressing you can expect Cassel to be completely levitate over the field, and will the ball to the receivers. Also on his spare time Cassel not only cured AIDS, but transmitted it to the entire Taliban. Matt Cassel is the reason Robert Downey Jr. stopped using drugs. Yes Cassel is that awesome.

HZMLS: The MVP of this game is definitely the S-N-O-W. It was pretty clear that the Desert Birds have never seen snow, let alone played a game of football in it. The snow was like white kryptonite falling from the sky, their once vaunted offense vanished and instead played like a Bryn Mawr powderpuff football team. What kind of game film did the Cardinals watch? Ken Wisenhunt let me give you a word of advice as you get ready for the playoffs; IF YOU PLAY IN THE SNOW RUN THE FOOTBALL. 15 runs an entire game not only gets you a loss, but gets your team blown out against a Playoff caliber opponent.

Quick Answer time: If you could have a super power what would it be

HWVGL: The ability to fly.
HZMLS: To be able to orgasm multiple times.

The Patriots are going to need some help to get into the playoffs, grab your crystal ball and predict what is going to happen in Week 17.

HWVGL: Things are looking pretty good for the Patriots. Only one of the following two have to happen on Sunday. Captain Clutch Brett Favre has to beat the Dolphins at the Meadowlands, or Jacksonville will have to find a way to beat the Ravens. If there is anything that ESPN has taught me it's that Mr. Intangibles always comes up big in important games. In fact I wish the media talked more about him, Favre definitely could use more publicity. So yeah, I think the Dolphins are going to lose and the Patriots are going to win the East. Get ready, Matt Cassel will be starting his first playoff game.

HZMLS: Doesn't listen to that knucklehead, the Patriots chances of winning are slimmer than me growing six pack abs on a diet of Jack Daniels and Qdoba Burritos. Brett Favre is a bumbling crapfactory who has rapidly pressed the "SELF DESTRUCT" button over the past four weeks. And do you really trust David Garrard against that Ravens D, the fricken guy has Crohn's disease. Do you know what that is? Well, after looking it up on WebMD I realized that he suffers from diarrhea, irritable bowels and tummy aches. Pussy. So yeah, prepare your violins, the Patriots are going to miss the Playoffs.