Sunday, August 31, 2008

Enjoy rotting on the IR you sack of crap

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Want to watch some really bad freestyle rap aimed at Tom Brady? This is Osi HumanUrine last month on the Mike and Mike Show (minus both Mikes), when encouraged to drop a Shaq esque free style rap at Tom Brady, he delivers a pile of shit of epic proportions. Osi, you have a year to work on your rap skills, because right now you are on the level of Mike Jones. And that ring? Yeah, enjoy that its the only one you are ever going to get. Mark it in your books the Giants are not going to even be a .500 team this year.

AHHHH

Friday, August 29, 2008

ZOMG UPDATE: Michael Bowden to debut for Red Sox tomorrow evening!

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The Sox have announced tonight that tomorrow evening's starter will NOT be the erstwhile-discussed David Pauley; rather, we of Red Sox Nation will at long last be treated to the major league debut of sizzling hot prospect MICHAEL BOWDEN.


Bowden is a simply smashing specimen after whom I've been pining since Spring Training. His 22nd birthday is coming up in just 2 weeks (!) and he's been excellent in Portland thus far this year, posting a 9-4 record with a 2.33 ERA in 19 starts. The 6'3", 215-pound righty [Ed. note: yee, I could get down with that] has an Okajima-like finish and excellent control along with a low 90s fastball and a nicely developing curve. Add to that 101 batters struck out in 104.1 innings, and, well, DAMN. Let's take another look, just for good measure:


Yowza! Welcome to Fenway, Michael. I can't wait to see you pitch tomorrow night!

And just look who it is:





Aaaannnnd the Sox just won, 8-0. What a night!

On Tap This Weekend: For Boston!

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The push for the pennant continues this weekend as the Sox head back to Fenway Park with a roster consisting almost entirely of PawSox players and Mark Kotsay. futuremrsrickankiel previews the series.

Red Sox v. White Sox. A quick glance at the AL Central-leading Chisox' website reveals that their official chase-for-the-pennant slogan is "SHARE THE PASSION. SHOW THE SWAGGER." Um, whatever THAT means. Sounds like a recipe for some serious fisticuffs on the South Side, if you ask me. But, I guess that's why I'm not a dipshit who works for MLB.com. We're very evenly matched against Chicago, honestly, which makes me sad because Chicago is kind of crappy. Hopefully, though, this weekend will be an opportunity to gain some ground on the (goddamn) Rays so we can just win the division already and stop dicking around in the wildcard standings. One thing these Sox clearly know how to do is win at home, so welcome back to Fenway, boys! Onto the match-ups:

Friday, 6:05 pm. Yawnable but competent righty Javier Vazquez (10-11, 4.37) against Daisuke Matsuzaka (15-2, 2.98), who looked -- wait, what's the opposite of good? That. -- in his last start. The Red Sox have hit pretty well against Vazquez in the past and Matsuzaka went 8 innings in his last start against the White Sox, so the outlook for tonight's game is good.

Saturday, 7:05 pm. With Beckett out of the lineup until who knows when, Boston will send righty David Pauley (0-0, 10.38) to the mound. Don't let that horrendous-looking line fool you; Pauley's a more-than-capable pitcher who's yet to settle into his major-league groove. He looked excellent at the Fenway Futures game, and while he'll never be a shut-down pitcher, he works efficiently and has greatly improved his control this year. He'll face Mark Buehrle (11-10, 3.86). MY GOD THE WHITE SOX ARE SO BORING.

Sunday, 1:35 pm. Tim Wakefield (8-8, 3.73) will do that knuckle-balling thing he does against Gavin Floyd (14-6, 3.70). BOO I WANTED JOHN DANKS. Here he is, because it's my blog and I can do what I want.



But wait! There's more!

Heaven be praised for the return of NCAA football this weekend. HMLS is your one-stop shop for all things BC Eagles-related:


Boston College vs. Kent State at Cleveland Browns Stadium, 7:30pm.


If you are part of the 0.2% of Massachusetts that actually cares about college football (GHABY gives 25 great reasons why you should), and specifically BC, this is a huge weekend. Not because of our opponent (we should have no problem massacring a defenseless Kent State), but because this is the first game of the year! Don't get too excited though. If you don't have ESPNU (I certainly don't) you can't watch the game! WOOOOOHOOOO. Anyway, there are big changes for BC coming into this season: a new starting QB in Chris Crane, a new running back in the very quick Josh Haden, and a lot of other new faces on the offensive line. Expectations seem low for the Eagles... no one is expecting much out of them this year. To be honest, I think they are going to be good this year. Call it blatant homerism or just stupidity, but I think they will crack the Top 25 and make it to another shitty bowl again.

No matter how much I fellate this team, their weaknesses are pretty apparent. Crane has only started two games since being at the Heights, and the ACC is very good this year. What better way to start off a season, though, then getting to beat on a team that is immensely inferior to you? Kent State spent most of last season getting slaughtered by their opponents... it was as if the had no weapons and the other team had rifles. Ok, enough of the Kent State jokes... they are a little tacky (but would you expect anything less here at MH?).

The real strength that BC will be working with is their defense. The front line of Ron Brace and BJ Rajii will not only be enormous, weighing in at close to 700 pounds, but should give the D a strong force against the run and pass. 35-year-old senior Brian Toal will return for his final season at the Heights, and again will add great leadership to the younger linebackers and run over opposing D's as the teams FB on the goal line. One quick request: BRIAN TOAL CAN U STAY HEALTHY PLZ? K! THNX. If BC is going to win games this year, it's going to have to be with their defense; the offense has looked shaky in camp and will crumble even more against good D's like Wake Forest, the U, and Clemson. I love out-of-conference games... this year BC gets URI, Central Florida and Kent State. Three easy wins against teams that have no chance against a D1 school. BC will shoot and stomp all over the Hippies of Kent State and pull off an easy win, 21-6.



That's all for the weekend, folks! Everybody enjoy your Labor Day, and remember: if they texted you first, it's not stalking.

The World Outside of Mass Hysteria: Carlton, Carlton, wherefore art thou Carlton?

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* Someone puts together a montage of his favorite teams set to "Born to Run." There is no rhyme or reason to any of this [Ed. note: but believe me when I say that IT IS AWESOME -- futuremrsrickankiel]. [Walk off Walk]

* Carlton Fisk and love: interchangeable concepts? [You Will Not Believe]

* The 2008 Handsome Man Team is here! Featuring a few guest spots by futuremrsrickankiel. [Snobs v Slobs]

* All of you heard Jay Mariotti left his job in Chicago. Rumors floated that he was coming to Boston, but those were unfounded. Now that he is out of a job, what other career options exist for our favorite talking head? [Top Ten Chicago]

* Dubbschism ponders: are Yankees fans too tough on A-Rod and not tough enough on their Herpes-infested SS? [The Ejected Fan]

* I Know Deadspin hit on this yesterday, but it deserves another look. This kid is already the hardest motherfucker I have ever seen.


Kid Falls Over Home Run Fence - Watch more free videos

Wrestlers of Yore: Virgil

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With Barack Obama’s acceptance speech last night coming on the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech, it is certainly an appropriate time to think about African-American history, and their progress in American society since the shameful days of slavery. Whether you agree with Obama’s politics or not, you must admit that his candidacy is certainly ground-breaking, and that America has a very strong chance of electing their first African-American president. If you had asked a slave owner in the 1840s what they thought African-Americans would be doing now, “running for President” would probably be last on their list. In fact, their view of the future would probably look a little something like this:


For those unfamiliar, the figure in the background is Mike Jones, better known as Virgil, the “manservant” of the Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase. Virgil would perform such tasks as carrying DiBiase’s money, shining his boots (and occasionally kissing them), chauffering his master, and holding DiBiase’s clothes while he wrestled. Virgil, named as such to mock WCW creative head Virgil “Dusty Rhodes” Runnels, never spoke, or even wore a shirt under his sparkling vest. Sadly, this wasn’t even the most racist African-American stereotype going on in the WWF at the time:

Yes, that's a spear in his hand.
Of course, Virgil would eventually turn on DiBiase, hitting him with the Million Dollar Belt (the coolest belt EVER by the way). However, being a black man in the ‘90s WWF, Virgil obviously couldn’t be counted on to have the brains or talent to win on his own, so he employed the help of the so-white-he-wore-a-kilt Roddy Piper, who taught him the complicated “punch people with your fists” wrestling technique, as well as how to wear wrestling pants that accentuated your man-bulge. This master technique would lead to Virgil getting his comeuppance on DiBiase, winning the Million Dollar Belt from him at Summerslam ’91.


Virgil would lose the Million Dollar Belt back to DiBiase a few months later, and would languish in the lower card for the rest of his WWF stay. He would then sign with WCW in 1996, and was given the name “Vincent,” to make fun of WWF head Vince McMahon. Vincent served as the “head of security” for the nWo, and was never really allowed to talk. He would later change his name to “Curly Bill” and join the West Texas Rednecks faction, completing the triumvirate of embarrassment. Not only was he the butt of two inside jokes, but he was now a black redneck in a group that recorded the song “Rap is Crap.” And if those weren’t enough to make you feel bad for Mike Jones, the following picture of loneliness from a recent wrestling convention, will:


Despite having no fans and a series of terrible gimmicks, Jones can take solace in one thing. According to wrestling lore, Jones was hired by the WWF in the first place not due to his wrestling ability or fan-friendly look, but because of the fact that he unfurled his reportedly 11” dong on the table in front of WWF executive Pat Patterson, who hired him on the spot. Stories of Jones’ “largesse” have been confirmed by a number of wrestlers, who noted that groupies would often run screaming after seeing the gargantuan “Little Virgil.” It’s ironic– the man who was made to portray so many negative black stereotypes is widely known backstage for portraying a positive one, that of the black man with the giant penis. Martin Luther King Jr. would be proud.

Late Breakfast With The Hysterics

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Sorry, I just had to counter FMRA's Madonna suckfest with.....


GRIM REAPER!!!!!!!




(It's the Night of the Living Bands That Suck....)

Breakfast With The Hysterics!

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* Jason Giambi and his hideous mustache stomped all over the Sox' sweep dreams, first tying it up with a 2-run homer off Okajima in the 7th and then smacking a bases-loaded single off Papelbon to win it for the Yanks 3-2 in the 9th. OMG THE YANKEES WON THE LAST GAME AT YANKEE STADIUM AGAINST THE RED SOX IT'S LIKE FATE OR SO... blech, sorry, can't keep that shit up. Yankee Stadium is dead, long live Yankee Stadium. It's not about where they play the games, son. It's about who wins 'em.

* SIGH. Josh Beckett was once again scratched from his start tonight in favor of Daisuke Matsuzaka in order to go visit a doctor about his persistent elbow troubles. Hey Doc, I think I've got "suddenly stopped knowing how to be a dominant pitcher." You got anything for that?

* No surprises here: The Patriots dropped their final preseason game 19-14 thanks to utterly lackluster performances from The Matts and an offense that seemed to have like eight tight ends on the field at once. Whatever. I'm not going to waste my energy on preseason game analysis. They won, we lost, David Carr is really pretty good when he's not handcuffed to shitty teams, and a week from today I'll be thinking about REAL football. YEARGH FOOTBAWL

/purchases beer
/makes appetizers
/carves out ass groove in couch
/plays several hours of Madden while wearing team jersey in preparation

* Speaking of football, all hail USC Gamecocks safety Emmanuel Cook, a man who just 6 days ago was arrested on a felony gun charge and yet still found it appropriate to drop and do pushups in celebration on the field last night for one of the more spectacular unsportsmanlike conduct flags I've seen thrown. A special prize for the first person who can send me a video of the incident so we can all enjoy it. Just don't go reading Gamecocks fan forums as you look for it -- I've been doing that for the past half hour and now I can't do math.

I kind of liked our little musical interlude yesterday morning, so here we go again. We'll slow things down a bit today. Everyone go grab someone to have an awkward slow dance with and report back here!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight

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Unfortunately or fortunately, I will not be writing tonight's preview in iambic pentameter or haiku. You are just getting a straight-up preview.

Patriots v. Giants, 7:00 pm.

The Story
: If you haven't read FMRA's venomous rant against the entire Giants organization, please do. She is pretty angry, and hates everyone, which of course is pretty awesome. The obvious story line you will hear ALL NIGHT is talk of last year's Super Bowl. Prepare for video clips, references, fans with "18-1" signs, chants, and all sorts of other banal shit that will make you want to throw yourself out a window. But other than that, tonight will be the last game Matt Cassel hopefully will ever play with the Pats. He has been terrible and it's nauseating to think that we are one Mo Lewis Sack (TM) away from the Matt Cassel era with the Pats. Thankfully, this is it for the preseason. I'm no FMRA, but I couldn't resist:


The Drinking Game

* Every flashback to the Super Bowl? Drink
* Each mention of how Osi Humanurine's injury will affect the Giants D? GULP
* Talk about Michael Strahan? Guzzle
* Bored watching a preseason game? Drink straight vodka
* Need to try and destroy memories from last year? Swallow paint thinner

The Prediction: Giants 20 Pats 13

Yep, Debbie Downer is going to go ahead and say the Pats are going to lose again. I honestly don't think Belichick gives a shit about any of these preseason games. The only things he cares about are trying out new nuances to his game plan and making sure none of his players get hurt. You will not see Brady tonight; Cassel will look like shit and so will the Pats defense, probably allowing at least one precision drive by Eli. But hey, on the positive end of things:

PRESEASON FOOTBALL IS FINALLY OVER



* Baseball will also be played tonight, yet with one glaring difference. Today's games will be the first games played with Instant Replay. Umpires will now have the opportunity to review questionable home run balls. I say we take this a step further: get rid of the umpires all together and replace them with cyborgs. Can you imagine if we had Data behind the plate? There would never be a blown call. (Look, I watched Star Trek as a kid, big whoop want to fight about it?)

* Tonight is also the final night of the Democratic National Convention, and consider me sucked in. Bubba Clinton last night was on and he killed it; he oozes charisma and could probably still bang your girlfriend if he wanted to -- which, given the chance, he probably still would do. Obama has his big speech tonight and it would be fucking awesome if he came out to some hip hop and had a crew with him. If you don't give a rat's ass about politics, here is a great break down of The Top 10 Barack Obama Sports Moments.

And for your viewing pleasure:

Kid Faceplants Jumping Over Ditch - Watch more free videos

Make sure you stick around to watch it in super slow mo....

25 Reasons to Watch College Football: 11-25

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And now, the second half of our "Reasons to give a shit about college football" series. For reasons 1-10, click here:

11. Things on Lee Corso’s head – I know he’s a Florida State guy, and therefore can take advantage of handicapped parking spots, but he still entertains me. First of all, it’s fun to contrast his frightening visage with that of dreamboat Kirk Herbstreit, especially when he’s telling Herbie to get off his lawn. However, what intrigues me most of all about Corso is what’s going on well below his mascot head, including his baby arm and merkin.

12. The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party – Florida/Georgia is not only my favorite (and the second best-named, behind the Battle for Paul Bunyan's Axe) annual rivalry, it’s also one of two games this year that pits top-5 talent against each other. Being an unabashed Gator worshipper, I predict a tight score of, oh, 78-3, in the favor of the Orange and Blue. Suck my balls, Knowshon, you horribly-named piece of shit. I hate you and your stupid face.

13. USC-Ohio State – This is the other game pitting two Top-5 talents, and is out of conference no less! This game also pits two of the greatest nicknames in college football – Chris “Beanie” Wells and Mark “Dirty” Sanchez, who stole his nickname from Screech.

14. Michael Oher – Oh, he was only homeless for most of his life, couldn’t read until high school, has a crack-addicted mom and a murdered Dad. He’s also the best natural OT prospect since Orlando Pace, despite only recently learning the game of football. Also, his life story is being made into a major motion picture. But I’m sure your life has been difficult too, what with being fired from Panera Bread when you were 16 for sleeping in after the Allman Brothers concert and forgetting to call out sick.

15. Jeremy Maclin – Or as I call him, Percy Harvin West. Maclin returns kicks, catches passes, and makes people nationally get excited about Missouri football. I also must credit Missouri with the following T-shirt, which pretty much explains the sheer hatred of their rivalry with Kansas:
We burned your town! To the ground!

16. Oh Yeah, BC and stuff – Hey, we have a major collegiate team in our backyard! They, uh, play really good teams and stuff! They have guys who used to play with a first-round draft pick! Brian Toal may actually lose an arm, leg or pancreas while playing! If he was any more concussed, he’d strangle his kid with the Crippler Crossface. (too soon? Nawww) I’ll leave the gory details of this year’s Eagles to HMLS, but seriously, you should go to at least one BC game this year. They’re all we’ve got.

17. College Quarterbacks Whose Skill Set Translates To A Lifetime Working at Dominos – This year’s winner of the Tommie Frazier/Eric Crouch/Colt Brennan/Chris Weinke Memorial Trophy is Missouri's Chase Daniel, who earns extra points because he looks like he already works at Domino’s. And I swear to god, if any of you mention His Holiness Danny Wuerffel in conjunction with these ne’er do wells, I will punch you in the duodenum.

18. Perennial National Powers, Sucking Ten Dicks – Notre Dame, Miami, Florida State, Michigan, Nebraska. None of these teams may play in a bowl game this year. I’m fucking giddy. You know what else makes me giddy?

19. The Charlie Weis Face - Let me taste your tears, fatty. Let me feast on the tears of unfathomable sadness. Ohh, they taste sooo good.
20. The Fulmer Cup – Sure, the Bengals may have guys get arrested for DUI, or Pacman may shoot strip club bouncers after making it rain. Minor fucking league. Have any NFL players stolen the credit card of a dead girl and used them to buy gas for a year? Have any of them been rung up on seven charges at one time in relation to selling nose candy? Commited assault with a frying pan? Stolen beer at a gay bar? College: Best seven years of your life. Or ten if you’re Brian Toal.

21. Chris Rainey – Most of you don’t know Gator RB/WR/Golden God Chris Rainey, but in a few weeks, you certainly will. He’s beat the national 100m high school record holder in the 40 yard dash. He eludes tackles like Travis Henry eludes subpoenas. He can return kicks. But what I love the most about Chris Rainey is the genius that comes out of his mouth, including the following:

On his preference in women: "Every time you see a fine girl (in Gainesville), you see another fine girl better than her. (Some people) like different color girls and stuff like that. I'm a white girl man."

While still in high school: “When I walk around, people are buying me food, giving me money. I’m like, `Damn, I’m glad I’m Chris Rainey. It’s real nice to be me.”

On a sex ed class he’s taking this summer: "It's boring," Rainey said. "I thought it would be fun, like you see on TV. But it ain't like that."

Chris Rainey, we salute you.
22. George Selvie, Bad Motherfucker - I’m not even supposed to write about George Selvie, because he’s so fucking mean that he’ll assault anyone who uses his name in public. I will however note that a certain unnamed South Florida defensive end had 31.5 TFL last year, including 14.5 sacks. As a sophomore. He makes Pat White cry all over his unnaturally high cheekbones. G__ge S__vie is not a benevolent god.

23. Heisman Trophy - It’s by far the coolest trophy in sports. Does anyone else attempt to pose as the Lady Byng Trophy after scoring? Didn’t. Fucking. Think. So.

24. Animals – What’s awesome about the zoo? Only everything. And so for you animal lovers, college football games allow you to see things like horsies, buffaloes, tigers, falcons, and stupid bulldogs in red sweaters who will FUCKING LOSE ON NOVEMBER FIRST. YOU FUCKING HEAR ME STAFFORD? YOU’RE DEAD. DEAD! *gobbles Xanax*

25. Ron Zook Waterskiing – Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.

The Godfather of MH: Will Leitch Returns to Boston

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It was about two months ago that Will Leitch left his post as editor at Deadspin to take a position with the New Yorker New York Magazine. It was a great move for Will: he got to write for a prestigious magazine and expand his readership beyond a group of losers sitting in their mom's basements. He still occasionally writes for DS, but for the most part he has been quiet on the interwebs. Unbeknown to myself, Will recently took another job writing for both the Sporting News, and -- this blew me away: WEEI.com Yes, that is right, the "home of the Boston Red Sox and Boston Celtics," where the vile racists Dennis and Callahan call home, just hired the King of the Underground; the guy who took on main stream media. Consider my mind blown.

WEEI is a radio station filled with old cranky white men sprinkled with Michael Holley and Larry Johnson. Like many sports fans in the Hub, I have listened to the station for years. I was hooked as a kid listening to Eddie Andelman ramble about all the great places to eat in Boston. The station has changed, yet one thing that is consistent across the shows is that all of these hosts HATE blogs. It's pretty ironic listening to a group of people who probably know as much about sports as you and I rip us. They envy us because we don't have anyone to answer to, and we can make as many gay and dick jokes as we want. In return, bloggers ignore them because, really, 95% of the stuff they report on is horsecrap. But still they dig at blogs.

As most of you know the five editors met because of Will Leitch. It was almost six months ago that I met A Pimp Named Dave R**, Sh!tshow, futuremrsrickankiel, and GHABB,Y! at the God Save the Fan book signing. Two weeks and a pile of beers later, Mass Hysteria was born. It is safe to say that many of us started writing this blog because of the sterling job he did over at Deadspin. We all in some way wanted to be like Will... just less emo. In a sense, Mass Hysteria is the bastard child of Will Leitch: a spawn that he created while drunk after a terrible one night stand.


Part of me thinks Will is too good for the clowns over at WEEI, and another part of me aches to see his great work buried in one of the backpages of their websites. It also makes me want to vomit that WEEI.com does not allow comments on any of the blogs. What good is Will if we can't rip him? Lame. Will was always loyal to us at Mass Hysteria. Whenever we needed a post linked on Deadspin he always helped us out. We can really never thank him enough, but consider this the first payment. So do us all a favor: turn off The Big Show, and read one of Will's columns. It will be worth your time. And oh yeah: welcome to Boston, Will.

Will Post #1: Red Sox Fans Don't Know How Lucky They Are

Will Post #2: The Outsider

** Ed. Note: I wasn't there, due to the fact that I didn't get out of work until about 8:30 that night, which doesn't work well with a 7:30 book signing that's 15 miles away. I think HMLS ran into my evil twin, A Federal Mann Act Enforcer For The FBI Named Jimmy.

Dear New York Giants: Die.

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The Patriots face the Giants in their final preseason match-up tonight. I'm already ill from thinking about the number of times I'm going to have to relive Superbowl XLII.

Fuck you, New York Giants. You and your goddamn wild card. You and your goddamn plucky, can-do attitude. You and your goddamn Cinderella story. FUCK YOU FOR TAKING THE SUPERBOWL AWAY FROM US. FUCK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES OVER. I used to LIKE the Giants, you know? Always liked Tiki Barber for being smooth-talking and awesome. Always liked Eli Manning for being the unloved Manning. Always liked the team itself for, well, not being the Jets. But FUCK ALL THAT, New York Giants. I will NEVER forgive you for that bullshit last year. NEVER. FUCK YOU, NEW YORK GIANTS. I hope you finish 0-16. I hope you have to forfeit every game after Week 5 because you all have polio. I hope you all die.

Fuck you, Osi Umenyiora. You were one of my favorite football players. You're handsome. You're foreign, but not the smelly kind of foreign. You've got those dimples. You look killer in a suit. Plus, that sack of Trent Dilfer followed by a fumble recovery and TD last year was so awesome it almost made me pregnant. BUT I NEVER MEANT FOR YOU TO BRING YOUR SHIT UP IN MY BUSINESS, DAMMIT. I can't BELIEVE I pulled for you all season and then you had to go fuck up MY Superbowl. Aww, season ending surgery? BOO FUCKING HOO. I hope you get addicted to Percoset and wind up on Oprah 5 years from now, crying and slobbering about where it all went wrong.

Fuck you, Plaxico Burress. Way to jump ship from the Steelers after a little playoffs loss, you big bitch. You don't deserve that ring. Fuck you for that shit-talking before the Superbowl. Fuck you for whining about your goddamn leg injury and then catching the game-winning pass just so that everyone would make a big deal about what a fighter you are. Ooh, want to whine about your contract and threaten to skip training camp? SHUT UP, YOU WHINY-ASS BITCH. I'd rather sign goddamn Terrell Owens than your mouthy, aging self. The fact that I held onto you in my keepers league makes me physically ill. I hope you choke on your own smug sense of self-satisfaction and no one finds your corpse for days.

Fuck you, Lawrence Tynes. I know that, as a Pats fan, I should be all about the clutch playoffs field goal, but you know what? I fucking HATE field goals in the playoffs. A field goal in the playoffs is a warm Bud Light when you want a goddamn Guinness. SCORE A TOUCHDOWN AND STOP BEING LITTLE BITCHES. And you know what, Lawrence Tynes? Your Superbowl field goals were the bitchiest little field goals I've ever seen. I hate you for taking them. I hate you for making them. Way to injure your knee in training camp, fuckbrains. You're a goddamn kicker. You never see any kind of physical play, and you STILL manage to injure your knee IN TRAINING CAMP despite your brand-new 5-year contract? You fucking pussy. Go watch Judge Judy and eat bonbons with Umenyiora. I hope your leg falls off.

Fuck you, Jeremy Shockey. Way to sit that one out. You're just enough of a black hole for team chemistry that you might have been able to completely fuck this one up for the Giants. But nooooo, you had to go and get injured and scowl on the sidelines and let your team become unhateable in every possible way. You and your outrageously-high-for-a-TE salary make me sick. I hope you get the clap from showering with Reggie Bush, you big blonde sack of rhino shit.

Fuck you, Michael Strahan. You skanky gap-toothed bitch. You make Madonna look like an Invisalign ad. You and your bullshit single-season sacks record that Brett Favre and his idiot notions of sportsmanlike conduct handed to you. You and your dumbass sack dances. You and your craptacularly boring autobiography. "ME FOOTBALL PLAYER. FOOTBALL SOMETIMES LIKE LIFE." I can't wait to mute the shit out of you during the pregame show every Sunday this season. I hope a scorpion crawls between the gap in your teeth while you sleep and lays eggs in your lower intestine.

Fuck you, Amani Toomer. You're like 100. You and your franchise-leading catches can go jump off a bridge and die. YOUR LAST NAME SOUNDS LIKE CANCER. Oh, I'm supposed to be happy for you because you've played with the Giants for so long and never won a Superbowl until now? Well, fucko, maybe you should have played for a different team. Like the Patriots. Who are fucking winners. Not like the Giants, who are a bunch of asshole posers that play in New Jersey. I hope you get a puppy for Christmas, and that the puppy dies of leukemia.

Fuck you, David Tyree. DOES ANYONE EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE?! You're going down in history for one lucky fucking play that completely screwed everything up, and my god do I hate you for it. You'd be NOBODY without that catch. Blah blah Pro Bowl selection my ass. You're bullshit. Nothing. Nobody. You're a one-hit wonder. YOU ARE THE RICK ASTLEY OF FOOTBALL. Wouldn't it be really fucking awesome if someone drilled you in the head with a football, only instead of catching it, you died? I hope you accrue hundreds of thousands of dollars in gambling debt and wind up homeless.

But above all else:

Fuck you, Eli Manning. Fuck you for being a totally shitty quarterback and yet managing to steal an historic victory away from the quarterback of the decade. You piece of shit. You threw FOUR GODDAMN PICKS IN ONE GAME against the Vikings AND STILL WON A GODDAMN SUPERBOWL?! You make me sick. I hate you and your whole smug fuck white bread family. As late as Week 8 last year John Mara knew you were full of shit. You're a hapless dullard of an interception machine who got insanely lucky and, god willing, never will again. I hate your brother, but at least he fucking earned his Superbowl ring. You're like a goddamn legacy in a fraternity. Sure, you're in now, BUT EVERYONE KNOWS YOU DON'T BELONG THERE. You know what I hope? I hope you get the shit sacked out of you and throw 6 picks in Week 1 so everyone will remember what a worthless dung heap you are and stop piling unmerited accolades on you. Die.

Breakfast With The Hysterics!

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* The Yankees: do they suck? Discuss in an essay of 2-500 words, prefererably in t-shirt form. What was initially a tight game was broken open in the 8th by a 7-run flurry of scoring that included Dustin Pedroia's first EVAH grand slam. Jason Bay added 4 RBIs, which is like 6 RBIs Canadian, to the proceedings. 11-3, Red Sox, in the penultimate tilt at Yankee Stadium. Never one to disappoint, Hank "Stuntin' Like My Daddy" Steinbrenner made sure to hem and haw about a whole lot of nothing for the media's benefit following his team's loss last night. Good for you, Hank.

* NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED ANYWHERE AUGUST IS SO BORING. Oh, the Rays won, which sucks. HAHA OMG and perennial sad sack Craig Hansen got demoted to AAA in Pittsburgh. MY GOD, man. You're not even good enough to pitch for the Pirates! Perhaps you should consider adopting an outspoken, caustic-but-loveable persona that will make you a bullpen fixture without you actually needing to be good at baseball. SEE: Farnsworth, Kyle.

Aw, what the hey. It's Thursday!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight!

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Red Sox vs. Yankees, 7:05 pm.


It’s the next-to-last Red Sox/Yankees tilt at Yankee Stadium, so what better way to celebrate Sox/Yanks lore than with…Paul Byrd and Sidney Ponson? Huh? The two highest payrolls in baseball are rolling out a 37-year-old Cleveland retread who pitches at softball speed, and a 300-pounder on his fifth team in three years. This game figures to be uglier than...well...the sight of Paul Byrd or Sidney Ponson in the shower, and there should be more scoring than FMRA after getting her tubes tied. In the grand tradition of the last few nightly previews, I’ve decided to pen some epic poetry of my own:


Sidney Ponson wants

To be in Boston for the

Hot Dog Safari


J.D. Drew: Hurt Again

As a Ginger kid, his soul

Is already dead


If I had one wish

It would be to morph into

Derek Jeter’s cock


Old Paul Byrd’s fastball

Slower than your whore mother

In a restroom stall


If bin Laden knew

The Yankees would suck like this

Tampa would be dust


Frivolous Prop Bet of the Night: Ponson, suddenly dedicated to fitness, passes on his pregame entrĂ©e, choosing to eat only a garden salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing for dinner. To further help lose weight, Ponson pitches in a spandex leotard, legwarmers and those funny-looking ankle weights, while reprising the pivotal scene from “Flashdance” in center field in between innings. Ha ha, you all just pictured Sidney Ponson in spandex. If that's not a topic to be discussed in the Commenter Slumber Party (a rousing success last night btw, Bravo to you all!), then I'm not sure what is.


Serious prediction of the night: As much as tonight’s starting pitchers suck, the bullpens of each team suck just that much more. That’s why I’m predicting a 13-7 Sox win, and two home runs from Ortiz. An expletive-filled tirade from Hank the Younger will follow, with some not-so-subtle digs at A-Rod, who will then, in turn, cry and seek counsel in the muscular arms of a handsome woman. I’m thinking Annie Lennox.

BREAKING NEWS: Red Sox sign Braves OF Mark Kotsay

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The Red Sox have just signed Atlanta Braves outfielder Mark Kotsay to a zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Huh? Wha?

Oh. Sorry. Kotsay was dealt to Boston in exchange for Luis Sumoza, a 20-year-old outfielder for the Lowell Spinners who zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh my. Sorry, I haven't had my coffee yet today. Where were we? Oh yes: Kotsay is batting .289 on the season, with 37 RBIs and 6 homers. His role on the Red Sox is expected zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mass Hysteria's NFL Spectacular: AFC South Division Preview

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Football season is almost upon us. As the summer continues to unwind, we at Mass Hysteria will be previewing the divisions in the NFL to prepare you for what will inevitably take over your life for the next five months. So grab your Doritos, drink a few cold ones, ignore your loved ones and enjoy. You can read past previews here: NFC West , NFC South, NFC East, NFC North, AFC West.


Why the Jacksonville Jaguars will win the AFC South


I have a little hard on for this team, call it lame, gay, whatever. I think they are going to be really nasty this year. I have swallowed the Jack Del Rio Kool Aid, and I think that Jags are going to be pretty sick this year. Fred Taylor and MJD are going to do two things this year: run for almost 2000 yards, and completely fuck over my fantasy football team. I swore off drafting RB's in a two RB system, they will prove to the world that I am a tard. David Garrard is a smart, accurate passer, who mark my word will be a top 5 QB with Reggie Williams being his main target. The addition of Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves should give the Jaguars one of -- if not the -- best defenses in the league. Couple that with a hobbled Peyton-Marvin and the Colts are finally ready to fall.

Why the Jacksonville Jaguars will not win the AFC South


David Garrard is still unproven and will not win any games with his arm. He is a very conservative passer who relies on their wicked run game to help the pass. He doesn't have any game breaking WR's that will break off huge gains. Maurice Jones-Drew did not replicate his mind blowing '06 season, and Fred Taylor will be turning 84 this year and is primed to go down with his trademarked knee injury. If Taylor goes down and MJD can't carry the load, the offense could struggle to score points.

Why the Indianapolis Colts will win the AFC South


Why will the Colts win? The answer is: they are the Colts, that is what they always do. They still have Wayne, Freeney, Manning, Addai, Sanders and Dallas Clark. The offense will score a billion points, and the defense will do just enough to leave them in every game. The Colts will have a lot of pressure to win this year as they open up the Lucas Oil Stadium, which is adjacent to the now vacant heaping pile of shit RCA Dome. Plus they have Jamie Silva, but that shouldn't make a difference. Let the shit talk start for my blatant unabashed homerism.

Why the Indianapolis Colts will not win the AFC South


Peyton Manning is still recovering from surgery on an infected sac. BAHAHAHAHA... sorry, moment of temporary immaturity. He has not had a chance to play much at all this preseason, and may be rusty going into the season. Knee injuries are scary, especially after a surgery. Have you ever really bruised your knee, you can barely walk around your apartment let alone avoid 300 lbs of charging Mario Williams. Couple that with Marvin Harrison, who is ancient/was completely useless in '07, and this could finally be the season the Colts relinquish the reins. Neighhhhh.

Why the Houston Texans will win the AFC South


The Texans finally put together a decent season in '07, and yet still managed to finish in last place. Matt Schaub, who missed the final four games of the season, will try to put together an entire season. When the dude is healthy he is a pretty solid QB, but with the Texans OL I doubt he will stay healthy. He has one of the league's best wide receivers in Andre Johnson, who, if he can play more than 7 games, could lead the NFL in all WR categories (sorry Randy). Remember all of us who laughed at the Texans when they took Mario Williams instead of Reggie Bush? Well, the joke's on us now. BEST DEE-FEND-ER EVER.

Why the Houston Texans will not win the AFC South


A team that has trouble staying healthy does not win a division. Plain and simple. Well, that, and your running back duo of Ahman Green and Chris Brown are very colorful (get it? Jesus, the stupid jokes are flowing...), but are terrible at running the ball. Though Mario Williams makes opposing QBs shit themselves, the rest of the Texans defense is pretty awful. They added Rosey Colvin, who could be a great complementary LB but will end up blowing out a knee by week 9. There are just too many holes on D for the Texans to compete against a Jacksonville or Indianapolis. Please don't kill me Mario, I will do whatever you ask.

Why the Tennessee Titans will win the AFC South


'07 was a turnaround year for the Oilers. Vince Young showed that he can win without throwing or running for a touchdown, even when throwing 2 interceptions. They finally got rid of PACMAN Jones and slapped a franchise tag on Albert Haynesworth. Hopefully he is ok with that idea, because we all remember what happens when you piss him off. LenDale White had a breakthrough season, breaking the 1000 yard mark all while keeping a 120,000 calorie diet. Pretty impressive. The Oilers defense was very good last year and even when Young has an off day (which will happen often), they can win games.

Why the Tennessee Titans will not win the AFC South


Vince Young is not going to be a good quarterback. This is going to happen for a couple of reasons. One, Young isn't very fast and doesn't have much of an arm. Two, when Justin McCareins is your number one receiver, you aren't getting much help. Here is a question to our faithful readers... do you honestly think that LenDale White can repeat the performance he put together last year? I don't. They have terrible cornerbacks who can be easily exposed by good WR's and probably will.



A Pimp Named DaveR's Pick to win the AFC South: The Yacksonville Yaguars. The Jagoffs were an 11-win team when Indy was not beset by injury, age, and sac-woe.... Why would they drop off now? I'm not only going to pick them, but make a further Bold Prediction (tm): that the Jags and Colts will flip-flop last year's standings, with the Jags going 13-3 to win the division and the Colts going 11-5 while nonetheless qualifying for the postseason as a wild card. Sac!

GHABB,Y!'s Pick: The Soon-to-be-Los Angeles Jag-Wires. My reasons are partially because I hate Peyton Manning and his stupid sloping forehead, but also because Jacksonville is pretty fucking good. Garrard threw only THREE picks last year, or 1/3484th of Gritty McVicodin's yearly average. MJD is a midgety beast, and Fred Taylor seems to be only getting better with age, like Mary Louise Parker's ass, which I would eat anything out of. The Jags D is also getting better, and I think this will be a breakout season for Concussion Farmer Reggie Nelson, winner of the Lawrence Wright Memorial "Gator Defender I love because he knocks people the fuck out" Award. Speaking of Gators, pass-rushing manimal Derrick Harvey also signed this morning, meaning that they might actually have a pass rush for the first time, oh, ever. Seriously, the Jags' two leading career sack leaders are Tony Brackens (55 sacks) and Joel Smeenge (34 sacks). I don't even have a joke here. Meanwhile, the Colts are only getting older and more antique pistol trigger happy. I've also heard rumors that Peyton's knee injury is worse than he originally let on, and let's face it, without him, Indy is fucked like Audrey Hollander (look her up) on a Tuesday. So long story short, I'll go with the Jags, and if I'm right, I'll let Matt Jones snort lines off my taint. No homo, obviously.

futuremrsrickankiel's Pick to Win the AFC South: Mmm, I actually agree with GHABB,Y! and the Pimp on a lot of the above points. HOWEVAH, it strikes me that, as old as he may be getting, Peyton is still as much better than David Garrard as, like, mint chocolate chip ice cream is than lukewarm water. The Jags have all the parts, but the Colts have a shut-down defense and a quarterback who's given us no reason until this preseason to think that he'll do anything other than lead his team to yet another division win. Old is old, but the Colts are the Colts. I pick Indianapolis.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip's Pick to Win the AFC South Ok this is a division where I can finally make a pick that will be a complete curveball. This is pure genius, and you can laugh all you want but when they win the division you will say wow I read that somewhere. OH Right at MASS HYSTERIA. My pick is the: Tennessee Titans. Great defense, good offense they will stay healthy and win 12 games this year. Justin Gage is going to emerge as an excellent target for VY and Alge Crumpler will return to '06 form. Go ahead mock me, I dare you....

25 Reasons to Watch College Football: Reasons 1-10

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The fine people of the Northeast are often criticized by the rest of the country for not giving two shits about college football. As a public service, I am providing the readers of this fine blog 25 reasons to watch college football this season:

1. Tim Tebow – I’m not saying I’d go gay for him, but frankly, he’s never asked. Watching Tebow play is like hearing Nirvana for the first time, or seeing your child take his first step. If Tebow was a Salute Your Shorts character, he’d be Budnik. If he were a Van Halen lead singer, he’d be David Lee Roth. If he were an item off the Supreme’s Roast Beef menu, he’d be the Super Beef with tomatoes and sauce. Simply put, in the choice between Tebow and all other football players, nay, all other human beings, Tim Tebow is so clearly above and beyond, that to dispute his greatness is laughable.

2. Army-Navy – Sure, they run antiquated offenses and feature kids who wouldn’t make the Everett High varsity (though, to be fair, Everett has pretty reedonculous teams). That said, if you don’t get emotional watching Army-Navy, then you should rush immediately to your nearest hospital with the ailment of not having a heart. Or blood. Or a soul. In fact, the only thing that makes me love America more is this:
3. Welcome Freshmen – No, I’m not talking about the eminently AWESOME Nickelodeon show, I’m talking about this year’s crop of ridiculously talented first-year players. Ohio State’s Terrelle Pryor gets all the pub, but watch out for Alabama’s Julio Jones, who has TO-like size, speed and jumping ability, with only half the crazy. Other freshmen to watch include Colorado’s new starting RB Darrell Scott, Clemson’s man-beast of a DE DaQuan Bowers, and the 17-year-old Liberal Studies major at BU that plans to hit on FMRA next month by pretending that he knows Jed Lowrie.

4. Texas Tech – Their coach is obsessed with pirates. They have the best wide receiver in the nation. They play basketball on turf. They might actually stop someone this year. Watching Texas Tech play football is like Usain Bolt running in the Special Olympics. Which reminds me…

5. ESS-EE-CEE SPEED – Every year, America sends its fastest freaks of nature to the southeast, where they then proceed to play NFL-quality football against each other every week. The offensive linemen run 4.6s. The linebackers run 4.4s. The wide receivers cannot be timed, only because they cannot actually be seen. To wit: Gator WR Jeff Demps owns the high school record for the 100 meter dash, and yet still may be the third or fourth fastest player on his team. But you can just ask Ohio State what they think of SEC Speed.
6. The BCS System being horribly mangled – Call me an asshole, but I like watching horribly designed governing systems meet their demise. I wrote papers in high school arguing that the Visgoth and Hun invasions weren’t that bad. The phrase “hostile takeover” makes me feel tingly down below. I own an nWo t-shirt. It is for these reasons that I enjoy watching the BCS system defecate all over itself, including a two-win LSU team last year winning its fake national title.

7. Catchy songs – I defy you to get “Rocky Top” out of your head after watching a Tennessee game. Same goes for “Hail to the Victors,” “Fight On” and that song from Rudy that they always seem to play at Notre Dame games.

8. EVERYONE ELSE LIKES IT SO WE SHOULD TOO – While this has been used as a poor justification in the past for such trends as Pogs and American Idol, I can say with absolute certainty that the rest of the country is truly onto something with this “college football” thing. Psychologists would note that a college football allegiance help you foster things like a sense of community and civic pride. But the rest of the country has also learned another valuable point in its love of college football…

9. Getting drunk in public on a Saturday – Do you like alcohol? Then college football is the sport for you! Nowhere else is getting drunk at 9am and staying drunk all day and night not only acceptable, it’s a goddamned rule.

10. Shots of Animal from the Legion of Doom when his son makes a tackle - Whatttt a Russshhhhh! Whatever happened to Hawk anyways? Oh, that’s right, he took a lot of monkey steroids and died. My bad. Still, spiked shoulder pads are awesome.

Breakfast With The Hysterics!

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* The Red Sox rolled over the Yankees 7-4 despite some struggles for Tim Wakefield (who has always pitched shittily against the Yankees, and apparently decided to honor tradition last night). Although the first few innings were close, the Sox were able to break it open in the 5th thanks to some nifty baserunning and a Jeff Bailey single that managed to elude Alex Rodriguez (LOL) and score Coco Crisp and Jed Lowrie. The Yanks threatened a rally when they loaded the bases in the 7th, but Justin Masterson came in and speedily induced an inning-ending double play to put the kibosh on that. Bobby Abreu was mad. Considering that the Yankees' pitching staff consists of cavemen, a few wide-eyed toddlers, and a couple of poorly-watered houseplants, it'd be pretty lame if we didn't manage to sweep them at home. Meanwhile, the Yankees fans continued to boo A-Rod every time he failed to hit a grand slam or turn a triple play. Those fucking sacks of ungrateful fuck. I HATE YOU, YANKEES FANS. I HATE YOU.

* The revolving door to the Red Sox DL kept on swinging, as the Sox announced that Josh Beckett will be prepared to start on Friday (YAY), but that JD Drew will be plunked on the 15-day DL (BOO). I'd make a "LOL HE IS ALWAYS INJURED" joke here, but Drew's been an absolute beast this season, and I respect his decision to tend to his back issues now so he'll be 100% down the line. But wait! We might get Mark Kotsay! He's pretty much the same person as Drew! Phew. For a minute there I was worried that we might not have an old white former Atlanta Brave with a grizzled-looking beard and competent hitting stats in our outfield.

* The Giants (ack... seizure...) apparently had the, "We want to get back together" talk with Michael Strahan. He said no. AWWWWKWAARRRRRD! The Giants are terrible and will go 5-11 this year. Awesome.

* Hillary rocked everyone's faces off at the DNC. RESPECT, Y'ALL. If Obama wins this election, it will be entirely because of the Clintons. I hate politics.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight: Romeo + Juliet Edition!

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Red Sox v. Yankees, 7:05 pm.

But soft! What light in yonder bullpen breaks?
It is the East, and Wakefield is the sun.


Two ballclubs, both alike in dignity,
In New York City, where we lay our scene.
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where Yankee blood makes Boston bats unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of aging pitchers take the mound;
Whose crafty eyes and hit-defying throws
Doth seek their team a victory to found.
The nine-stage passage of this storied game
And the continuance of this rivalry,
Which, for tonight, but one victor shall claim,
Shall prove, I vow, a worthy game to see.

...
...
...

Seriously, though, that was practically minimalist compared to the amount of hyperbole I can guarantee you'll see and hear heaped on this, the LAST series the Red Sox will ever play at Yankee Stadium. And honestly? Good fucking riddance.

I went to school in New Jersey and thus partook of more than a few games in The House That Ruth Built, most notably Opening Day vs. my very own Red Sox in 2005. Oh yes. You can only imagine how incredibly sweet that was. Apart from that, though, there is literally nothing to enjoy about that moldering ballpark up the #4. Inevitably, I would find myself either relegated to the miserable upper deck seats, 100,000 miles away from first base, or quarantined in the bleachers and thus dismally deprived of the ability to purchase any sort of frosty carbonated ale. Fie! While there, I always wore my Red Sox gear and was inevitably subject to a myriad of insults and taunts, ranging from the vaguely sexual ("Hey there, Red? Wanna meet a real man?") to the horrifyingly graphic ("Hey Boston! I anal-fisted your mother last night!"). Once, I attended a playoffs game with a boy who made the mistake of wearing a pink polo shirt. I honestly thought he was going to get tarred and feathered sometime in the 5th inning. None of this bothered me, though. I figured it was me taking one for the team or some wacked-out martyr complex-type nonsense. Either that, or I'm just a completely unabashed attention whore.

What did bother me, however, was how terribly much the stadium sucked. A miserable experience all around: the sweaty train rides to the buttfuck middle of nowhere in the Bronx with Johnny Knuckles and his brother Blockhead; paying money to leave my crap at surrounding businesses knowing I'd wait in line 2 hours to get it later and probably risk losing it altogether; no beer in the bleachers; disgusting bathrooms; risers so steep they practically gave me nosebleeds; the idiot fancam; the impossibly inane cheers ("Hip Hip Jorge," eh? DIE.); the relentless heckling of their own fucking players in the bullpen; and last but not least, the 26 fucking World Series pennants. Fuck you, Yankee Stadium. May your remnants be spray-painted and peed upon by a thousand generations of vandals.

The one thing I will say about my visits to Yankee Stadium is this: I've never experienced a live moment in baseball quite as badass as the times I've been up in the Bronx to see Mariano Rivera walk out to "Enter the Sandman." CHILLS UP THE SPINE. Every time.

Anyway, hopefully we won't have to face Rivera tonight as Tim Wakefield (7-8, 3.67) makes his first start since August 6 against Andy "Would You Like To" Pettite (13-9, 4.17) and his ethnic-yet-not-too-threateningly-so good looks. Bring it on, Yanks. I BITE MY THUMB AT YOU.

Frivolous prop bet of the night: You know that scene at the end of Slap Shot where Ned Braden finally tires of holding out against all the pageantry and pointlessly escalated rivalries and skates around the ice stripping? Well, I'm not saying that Jed Lowrie will hit a home run and strip while he jogs slowly around the bases to "You Can Leave Your Hat On." I'M JUST SAYING IT WOULD BE AWESOME IF HE DID.

Serious prediction of the night: I'm just enough of a homer to be 100% sure that a recently-returned-from-injury Tim Wakefield can outpitch Andy Pettite. 5-3, Red Sox.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Mass Hysteria's NFL Spectacular: AFC West Division Preview

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Football season is almost upon us. As the summer continues to unwind, we at Mass Hysteria will be previewing the divisions in the NFL to prepare you for what will inevitably take over your life for the next five months. So grab your Doritos, drink a few cold ones, ignore your loved ones and enjoy. You can read past previews here: NFC West, NFC South, NFC East, NFC North

Why the San Diego Chargers will win the AFC West


Ladainian Tomlinson, when healthy, is the best running back in the game, year in and year out. Too bad he got hurt last year against the Pats, although it was fun watching him cry on the sidelines. Antonio Gates is a behemoth at TE, and this year will be a challenge for anyone to cover. The defense is pretty good too. According to FMRA, using some sort of zany statistical analysis she determined that the Bolts have the best defense in the NFL.

Why the San Diego Chargers will not win the AFC West


I am not sold on this team's passing game. Philip "Marmalard" Rivers was all over the place last year: strong games against garbage defenses (Oak, Denver & Detroit), but struggled mightily against the good teams (NE, TEN & JAX). If something happens to LT, or if he is actually contained by a defense, Rivers has not shown that he can lead a team. Chris Chambers and Vincent Jackson are both vanilla receivers who are decent #2's but can hardly take over a game. Getting back to the Bolts D, Shawne Merriman's health is a HUGE concern, and with him out their defense will look drastically different. Looks like he could really use some HGH right about now.

Why the Kansas City Chiefs will win the AFC West


KC finally has some semblance of a passing game after years of Elvis Grbac, Steve Bono, Trent Green, and Damon Huard. Not to say that Brodie Croyle will be much better, but he has three excellent targets in Dwayne Bowe, Tony Gonzalez and hopefully a healthy Larry Johnson. Johnson, who was out most of '07, needs to step up and be the dominant RB he claims to be, and with Brandon Albert added on the O-line he should have no excuses. The pass defense will be much improved from last year with the additions of Glen Dorsey and Brandon Flowers.


Why the Kansas City Chiefs will not win the AFC West


Ok in all seriousness, Brodie Croyle is not going to win you a division. I tried to make it sound reasonable before, but please, he is one of the bottom three starting QB's in the league. You watch him out there and say to yourself, "Seriously, Herm Edwards, is Croyle the best you can do? You want to put your season in his hands?" His supporting cast is laughable: Devard Darling? Jeff Webb? William Franklin? WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE GUYS???? The Chiefs' offense is one injury away from completely collapsing. The run defense was terrible last year, ranking 28th, and there are still plenty of holes in on the D-Line. This team might improve, but it's more likely that they will completely blow and finish in last place.

Why the Oakland Raiders will win the AFC West


JaMarcus Russell now has a year under his belt, starting four of the last games and coming out of training camp the clear starter this year. He has a legitimate number one wide receiver, who, if he isn't busy screwing up, could be a great target for a young developing QB. Prepare for the Adrian Peterson comparisons all year as Darren McFadden will help what was a huge weakness for the Raiders. The Raiders also have a ridiculously easy schedule, which should set them for a few easy wins. Al Davis, deep in his crypt, will be salivating at his team.

Why the Oakland Raiders will win not the AFC West


Like the Chiefs, this team is very young and will probably stumble against teams like New England and the Chargers. Javon Walker already has been called lazy by his coach and is a destructive clubhouse goon. The defense was terrible last year, and many experts think they will improve with D'Angelo Hall, who got stupidly overpaid. I say that the Raiders D was ranked 26th in points allowed and will still allow a buttload of points this year. I really want to see this team fail, I hate Al Davis and I hate their fucking fan base. Thanks for Randy Moss, retards.

Why the Denver Broncos will win the AFC West


Jay Cutler, aka Philip Rivers Redux, will be looking to have a breakout year and become the elite QB every talking head claims he will become. After Brandon Marshall comes back from his suspension for a DUI, he will be a dominant force on the Broncos offense. Marshall is a stellar human being as well, who in just a quarter of a century punched a cop, beat up his girlfriend, beat up his wife (police have been to his home 11 times for various complaints), and was present when Darrent Williams was murdered. Selvin Young will try to be the next RB to reap success in Mike Shanahan's system that made even Tatum Bell look good.

Why the Denver Broncos will not win the AFC West

The Broncos offense will have to play without Brandon Marshall for three games (two if he is a good boy and goes to counseling) two of those games being against San Diego and New Orleans. Without Marshall the team's offense could struggle and they could lose two important games immediately. Again, like Marmlard, I am not sold on Cutler just yet; he is inconsistent and erratic. The defense was very bad last year, and they did very little to improve it, waiting until the 5th round to draft a defensive lineman.

HMLS's Pick to win the AFC West : The San Diego Chargers. They will walk away with this division against three teams that are going to all be very bad this year. I love watching the Chargers lose, nothing beats LT crying and Marmalard going apeshit but the lack of talent in this division should not be much of a problem.

APNDR's Pick to Win the AFC West: Oh sure, everyone wants to pick the Chargers. "But they have the best talent, Pimp," you say. "Their defense is so good that it's worth a 3rd round pick in a fantasy draft," you say. "Boo hoo hoo, those mean men are mocking our roided-up defensive guy's dance that he does after every fucking play," you say (if you're LDT). But I say -- nay. Nay indeed. This is the year that Norv! finally puts his stamp on the Chargers. Which means that they'll be okay, but not great, and lose the division by one game to... The Denver Broncos. Because the Queefs and the Ex-Cons By The Bay aren't that good, so Denver has to be the one to edge out the soon-to-be-underachieving Chargers. Besides, have you seen Marmalard throw a football? For fuck's sake, I throw a tighter spiral than he does...

Also, I would not put a single dime on this prediction coming true. This division bites.

futuremrsrickankiel's Pick to Win the AFC West: I mean. I actually watch football rather than merely complaining about it. So I'm going to be lame and pick the Chargers. It's like the equivalent of going to a Thai restaurant and getting pad thai: yeah, it's totally boring and predictable, but nothing else on the menu looks appetizing. That analogy sucked, sure, but so does the fucking AFC West. Sue me. I'm so happy we get to play this division this year I could do a little dance.