Thursday, December 4, 2008

Your Mid-Week Bruins Roundup

Apparently, Timmy buys his suits at Mafia Middlemen R Us. Also, are Stuart and Savvy going to prom together?

So here we are.

Just a week after I invited the rakishly charming Raskolnikov to lend his thoughts to this fine Bruins column in an attempt to keep my judgments even-handed and rational, our boys in black and gold have added two more decisive wins to their record and are embarking on a trip to Florida with a 16-4-4 record... and my capacity to write anything other than, "ZOMG BRUINS!!1!!!!!1!! lulz" has been effectively shattered. A come-from-behind throttling of the desperately irrelevant Islanders followed by a thrilling 4-1 victory over the reigning Cup champion Wings gave Bruins fans everywhere lots to be thankful for this past weekend. Zomg. Bruins. Lulz.

(Incidentally, if you're looking for a cheap source of unintentional humor, check out David Krejci's post-game interview from Saturday when a reporter asked him if he considered the win over Detroit a "statement game." The look on his face and subsequent response -- "What do you mean? -- had all the grinning sheepishness of a 6th-grader who hasn't done his social studies homework. Look, Boston Media: Krejci is fiercely talented and devastatingly handsome (sigh), but THE KID KNOWS LIKE 5 WORDS OF ENGLISH. Here's his entire vocabulary: "We played great, you know, it was a great game, you know, the linemates [he's not yet mastered the possessive pronouns] were great, you know, you know you know you know somethinginCzech puck. You know." Let's stop grilling the kid with questions that require him to "think" and "process information," ok?)

The Good: So, yeah. Right now we're not in first in the East -- that honor goes to the Rangers, who have 38 points on the season (2 more than us). That's meaningless, really, since the Rangers (for some reason) have played 4 more games than us. We're still enjoying comfortable 4-point leads over Philadelphia and Montreal and 7-point leads over Pittsburgh and Washington. We're the best. It's not a big deal, but we're the best.

Here's the stat that will really toast your marshmallows: the Bruins have outscored their opponents 80-51 through 24 games. That's a 29-goal margin... an average of well over a goal per game. First-place New York (not to be confused with 13th-place New York) has scored just 68 goals through 28 games while allowing 66. The only other teams that have come close to Boston's offensive production are Team Ovechkin, who've scored 79 through 25 games but have let up 78, and the Flyers, who've also notched 80 in 24 games but have let up 72. The mighty Malkinites have the second-highest GF-GA differential in the conference... and they're outscoring opponents just 74-63. Bahaha.

[remembers the Sharks have 97 GF and 53 GA through 25]


Also, yes, I bitched some about Patrice Bergeron's as-yet lackluster return to the ice a few weeks back. But, ohh... this is too good not to post.

Bonus Christmas donuts to the first person to email me a bigger version of that picture. So I can, uh, look at it.

The Bad: Lord help me... our defense is dropping like flies! First Andrew Ference succumbs to a broken tibia (it means "leg," apparently, but it sounds fruitier and hence more humorous if I say "tibia"), and now fan favorite Aaron Ward out with an indeterminate (but hopefully still fruity-sounding) leg injury? Eep! The highly capable Matt Hunwick has been filling Ference's skates nicely, and it'll be a game-time call between Providence studs Matt Lashoff and Johnny Boychuk for the other blue line vacancy. Still, I'd like to politely request that our defenders STOP GETTING INJURED. I can't deal with opening the Metro tomorrow only to read that Zdeno Chara has fallen off the top of a beanstalk or something. K THANKS.

Goal of the Week: Michael Ryder with an effortlessly perfect PPG against the Islanders on Black Friday -- it would be Rydes' 2nd goal of the game and 5th of the season. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO yeah I'm biased so fucking sue me.

Fight of the Week: Sheriff Shane Hnidy takes on New York's Tim Jackman. His helmet's off, his face is bleeding, and Jackman's got a good 3 or 4 inches on him... and still he keeps going, much to the crowd's (me! me! I was there!) delight.



A Pimp Named DaveR said...

(enters room)

You know, I'd just like to say that it's great to be back here at Mass Hysteria, and I'd like to note that even though they're playing well, the Bruins appear to be the Celtic's sloppy seconds in this town.




Anonymous said...

So, serious question: when do the officials decide: "ok, this one is over" when it is a fight like that where it isn't ramping up into a mosh pit?


Rocco said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
stanley cup of chowder said...

It's Johnny Boychuk not Boynton.

Krejci strikes me as a guy that has an extensive Scorpians CD collection.

Mathemagician said...

I preferred the Lucic fight that started about half a second after the Bruins fifth goal. Then again, you could probably put Lucic in the FOTW category every week, so it's good to spread it around once in a while.

Also, while it will be hard to top the 11-1-1 month of November, the Bruins get to play 9 of their 13 December games against the abysmal Southeast division, which has already seen two head coaches get fired this year.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Yeah, it's a good thing I rush to get this shit up (so I can get back to my real job that actually pays me something) and make mistakes in the process, thus giving a bunch of jackasses I don't know ample time to pick it apart.

Seriously, though, I clearly don't know what the fuck I'm talking about so you should all probably just go elsewhere for your hockey needs.

GHABB,Y~! said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an extensive Scorpions CD collection. "Big City Nights" and "Still Loving You" are two of the most underrated songs ever.

/lost his virginity at 17, and only then to a really fat girl

Rocco said...

At least you can admit it.

Looking forward to more stats. Maybe a breakdown of points by quarter? Or do they play halves in hockey?

I suppose this comment will be censored/deleted as well though.

Rocco said...

And we're just teasing! It's cute.

nfsffw said...

FMRA, I'll drop the gloves for ya any day.
Who you need taken out?

nfsffw said...

6 games for Avery - zheesh.
How much time would he get for kicking the snot out of Phaneuf at center ice?