Tuesday, December 9, 2008

This Week's College Hoops Scoop

OK listen up you little FREAKS! I'm going to write about college ball. And you're going to SIT THERE...and LIKE IT! Another eventful week in college hoops, and it continues this week with West Virginia vs Davidson tonight, followed by Texas vs Villanova - both on ESPN. I think both are going to be fantastic games...come on. No C's, no B's tonight...put it on! And I'll keep putting you on with updates so you can actually compete in your bracket office pool this year. Plus, I'll continue to remind you of college.

Hot Chick That You Always Saw At The Gym With A Body So Tight You Could Bounce A Quarter Off Her Ass
It really doesn't matter where you went to school - every school had a girl like this. You'd try to find a tradmill or a bike right behind her, so you could see that thing work it's magic. It seriously would make a 30-minute workout seem like 5 minutes. Plus, she would always be wearing ridiculously short shorts. Or sweatpants with a clever slogan plastered across the ass, something like "ANGEL" or "PRINCESS" or "DIRTY SLUT". Either way, you'd pretend it said "FUCK ME HERE". It's almost like she wanted you to look, too - she enjoyed seeing everyone staring. This week's award goes to Arizona State's James Harden. Dude was an absolute star this week, leaving everyone gaping in awe. In three wins over UTEP, Jackson St. and Nebraska, dude dropped 40, 22, and 20 respectively. But it wasn't just the scoring - it was the complete package. He snagged 8+ rebounds in all three games, he had assists, he had steals, he hit free-throws, he buried threes...all in a days work. Just like that girl at the gym worked it to harden her ass...yeah. You see where this clever little analogy is going.

The Time When You Were Drunk And Totally Going To Get Some But Ended Up Puking All Over Yourself Instead
You know the feeling - everything's looking great, you have a bright outlook, things are falling into place, and then bang. You're a mess and you don't realize how it even happened. Maybe you shouldn't have taken that shot. Or shotgunned that beer. Was there an ice luge at that party? You can barely remember - all you know is what was shaping up to be a great night turned out to be a disaster. Much like your University of Massachusetts Minutemen. Yes folks, it's true. Not everything is A-OK with Boston sports right now. Especially when the local boys have lost six straight and have a dandy little record of 1-6. Well at least they won one game, right? HA! You know who they beat? Ready? ...Ark Monticello. ARK MONTICELLO! It's a Division II school! The selection committee won't even look at it! But with Kansas and Houston still looming on the out-of-conference schedule, the selection committee should be the last thing UMass is worrying about. They should just be focusing on washing the vomit out of their shirt.

The Hot Girl From The Sorority With All Fat Chicks
You know at some point in your college career you were at this party. Even if your college didn't have a sorority, you met this crew at a bar. A clan of about 10-15 girls and not a looker in the bunch. Except for one. And man, she had the look in her eye like you know she could get whatever dude she wanted at the party, because she knew she could feast on weaker competition. Sort of like the Pittsburgh Panthers have been doing this year. What, you mean Belmont, Akron, Vermont and Fairleigh Dickinson don't scare you? I'm not going to knock a 9-0 team, especially when I think Pitt is still a solid club, but jeez, are they going to test themselves this year? Like, at all? Talk about a cupcake OOC schedule, their only real test is Florida State. When they crack into Big East competition and get Georgetown early on, we'll see how good this team really is. Until then, they'll just keep picking off the fat chicks.

The Girl You Met At A Party That Is Completely Willing To Act Out Your Craziest Fantasy
Everyone is a bit of a freak. If you say you aren't, you're lying, simple as that. So when you meet a girl that is down with the cheerleader costume, or the Princess Leia deal, or the rarely-used Eiffel Tower with your buddy. You just can't believe how awesome she is. And this week's awesome team award is going to the Michigan Wolverines. Yes, I know they lost to Maryland as well, but they did hand Duke their first loss, and they've also beaten UCLA this year. This is not a team I expected much from, even though the Big 10 is kind of weak this year. The Wolverines should coast through the rest of their OOC schedule, but they already have two marquee wins to put on the resume. Almost as big of a win as hitting that chick that's down with the Catholic school girl get-up.


GHABB,Y~! said...

I have just shit for the 14th time since 10am and my fever hasn't dropped below 100.5 since noon, and yet that picture of the Fab Five brightened my day. No matter what Barack Obama does over the next eight years, he still won't come close to the cultural impact of Chris, Jimmy, Jalen, Juwan and Ray.

Pepster said...

And don't forget Voskuhl's impact as the last upper classman to start for that team before Ray Jackson cracked the starting lineup.

Rocco said...

Another night at the all-you-can-eat Brazilian steakhouse ghabb,y~!?

Raquel said...

Ah, gotta love the hot chick with the unattractive friends. You forgot the most important part: that she will be overly friendly and demonstrative with said busted friends to show how "cool" and "unshallow" she is. She will also take lots of pictures with them and put them on Facebook because she knows she'll stand out as the hottest girl in them.