Today is a college football sort of Tuesday here at Mass Hysteria, but rather than espouse sheer anger and misery like my predecessor, I am here to share with you my feelings of joy, happiness and general awesomeosity. For, while your local college football entry may have lost and banished itself to Gaylord-induced mediocrity on Saturday, the favored nation of this scribe, the Mighty Gators of the University of Florida, emerged victorious over the No. 1 Alabama Crimson Tide, sending the Orange and Blue to this year's BCS Championship.
Yesterday, saddled with a combination of Montezuma's revenge and the Black Plague, I decided to re-watch the SEC Championship sober, as opposed to how I watched it on Saturday. Sadly, this viewing involved less unicorns, but did allow me to more fully appreciate the true breadth of the Gators' accomplishment on Saturday.
First off, all credit must be given to Alabama. That is a really good team. Their defense is goddamned ridiculous, Glen Coffee is a bruiser, and Julio Jones may be the most physically talented WR in the nation not named Crabtree. Moreover, they gameplanned perfectly against the Gators - that being to run the ball up the middle against the Gator D, to plug up the inside gaps that Demps & James get their big gains through, and neutralize Tebow's deep pass. Throw in the loss of the nation's most talented run/catch option in Percy Harvin, and Florida really had no business winning Saturday's game.
Except that they forgot about one thing. They forgot about Tim Tebow.
Now, my man-love for Tebow has nearly reached restraining order levels, but seriously, Saturday was maybe the best game I've ever seen him play. While the numbers weren't necessarily eye-popping (217 passing yards, 57 rushing), it was the When and How of those yards that made the difference. When his first and second options were covered, Tebow found little-used wideouts like Carl Moore and David Nelson. When the team needed a 3rd and short, Tebow would always find a way to convert. And in the fourth quarter, with the game on the line, the Gators outgained Alabama 130-1. Now, much of that fourth-quarter credit can be given to the defense, but much of it was Tebow's architecture of an 11-play drive followed up by an eight-play drive, eating up clock and sealing a Gator win. Tim Tebow won that game Saturday. Tim Tebow carried the Gators to the National Championship.
Before getting into the awards, let me simply close with this: Tim Tebow deserves the goddamned Heisman Trophy, and it really shouldn't be close. Tebow has played 11 of the country's top 40 defenses this year (based on opponent YPG), beating 10 of them handily. Sam Bradford, on the other hand, has played one, and Colt McCoy has played zero. Against those tough defenses, Tebow has thrown or rushed for 40 touchdowns this year, while throwing only two interceptions. Bradford has thrown six picks, and McCoy has thrown seven. Tebow has had to break in freshmen (Demps), deal with injuries to his major weapons (Harvin, Cornelius Ingram) and introduce transfers (Emmanuel Moody, Carl Moore), while losing two of his top four receivers from last year. Bradford and McCoy each returned three of their top four pass-catchers from last year, and had no major injuries. Tebow's passer rating this year is actually better than it was last year, and in fact nearly all of his passing stats are nearly identical to what they were last year, when he won the Heisman. Throw in his huge effort in the Alabama game, the pressure of being a returning Heisman winner and therefore every opposing defense's top target, and the deft handiwork it takes to circumcise Filipino boys, and the choice should be clear.
Look, Colt Brennan didn't deserve the Heisman last year by throwing for video game-esque numbers against terrible defenses, and therefore neither do McCoy or Bradford this year. No, the Heisman should instead go to one player who is simultaneously college football's best player, best leader and best pass-and-run threat: Tim Tebow. Heisman voters, please make the right decision. Vote Tebow, and vote often.
On to the Awards:
Hooters Real Fucking Deal Award - Like you even have to ask.
Weylu's Epic Fail Award - Now, some would say that a certain band of misfits from Chestnut Hill may have Epically Failed this weekend, but both I and HZLMS (once he stops crying) would argue that BC had been playing well over its head all season, and merely getting to the ACC Championship given their glaring weaknesses was an accomplishment. Therefore, this week's Epic Fail is the Ball State Cardinals, who pissed away a perfect season by losing to Buffalo, which has only been D-1 since 1996 and has mascots named "Victor E. Bull" and "Victoria E. Bull." So, instead of having a perfect season and possibly your first and only Top-10 ranking ever, you, Ball State, lost to Victoria E. Bull. That's just simply Terr E. Bull. I bet you feel Miser A. Bull.
Closing of Russo's Candy House Disappointment of the Week - While HZMLS angrily touched upon it in the previous post, I too would like to express my general disappointment at the treatment of our local D-I entry in the convoluted pile of dogshit that happens to be the bowl system. You know why BC gains the reputation of its fans "not traveling well?" Because they get fucking sent to bowls in backwater cities like Boise, Nashville, Charlotte and Detroit! I could be the biggest BC fan ever, and you still couldn't pay me to spend my recession-ridden dollars on watching my team play against a shitty Vanderbilt team AT HOME.
Everything about this incites pure hate.
Everything about this incites pure hate.
Do you realize that BC hasn't played in a New Year's bowl game since the 1992 Hall of Fame Bowl against Tennessee? The quarterback for that Tennessee team was Heath fucking Shuler, who is now so old that he's entering his second term in Congress. So yes, while I'm disappointed that BC lost on Saturday, I'm even more disappointed that the bowl system has anally raped them for the last 16 years or so. Of course, being Catholic, anal rape should...aw nevermind.
Prince Leaning Tower of Pizza Eyesore Award - Ok, say you're a recruiter for the Army. You spend your day trying to recruit people to participate in a wildly unpopular war. Your current commander-in-chief may actually be legally retarded. Your organization didn't exactly earn the best PR from the whole Pat Tillman situation. And yet, once a year, your football team plays on a national stage against their biggest rival, for everyone to see. And then they dress like this while losing 34-0.
Now, I fucking love our armed forces and everything they do for us, I have Army friends who have served multiple tours in Iraq, and gladly buy a beer for any and all armed forces members that I see at bars but, shit, I mean, really, those uniforms can't possibly help recruiting efforts, can they?
Frank Giuffrida Exalted Human Being Award - Now, you think I'm going to start talking about Tim Tebow, and how he carried my beloved Gators over the No. 1 ranked team in the country while simultaneously curing cancer, punching a grizzly bear and pulling a crying baby out of a burning building. But no, that would be too predictable. So I'll give this week's Giuffrida to Cal RB Jahvid Best, who ran for 311 (worst band ever not named Sublime or Nickelback btw) yards and four TDs against Washington, furthering the racist right-wing cabal's conspiracy and plot against Tyrone Willingham, whose firing was completely fueled by the Ku Klux Klan-esque college football regime and who posted an 0-12 record this year as a statement against The Man and certainly not because he's a shitty football coach. Best has earned the Pan Roasted Salmon, served with sauteed spinach, a junior salad and your choice of potato.