Saturday, December 6, 2008

SEC Championshp Drunk and Injured LIveblog: Second Half

6:09: Tim Tebow has a 3.7 GPA on top of his Heisman Trophy, National Championship, severed foreskins and your daughter's hand in marriage. What the fuck did Jesus do, turn some shitty wine into water and get himself killed? The Jews once tried to crucify Tebow, but he broke four of their tackles and stiff-armed Pontius Pilate.

6:16: Alabama is driving, and that's the first time the words "driving" and "Alabama" weren't followed by "under the influence" or "in a 1975 Ford Pickup Truck with an a bumper sticker that read 'These Colors Don't Run.'" Thankfully, John Parker Wilson's bangs prevented him from seeing Julio Jones wide open in the end zone.


6:21: Bama running back Mark Ingram Jr. just ran for a first down. I wonder if his former Giants WR dad's in the stands watching it...oh, that's right, he's locked up in jail. Despite his incarcerated daddy, Ingram scored a TD to tie the score at Gators 17, Bama 17, Strongbows 6. I wonder if Mark Ingram Sr. was trading cigarettes for anal shower sex while his son was scoring that touchdown.

6:26: Suicide-watch subject HZMLS just sent me a text message informing me that, rather than spending his post ACC-Championship time in the bathtub with a toaster, he's instead watching his fiancee try on clothes at Express in the Northshore Mall. Personally, I'd choose the toaster option, it at least is quicker and involves less "does this make me look fat" quandaries.

6:30: Speaking of suicide watch, the Gators just blew a FG attempt by a wide, wide margin. Though I guess I don't blame Jonathan Phillips much, mostly because he's only used to kicking extra points eight times per game. Still, WHAT THE FUCK. Oh, and my girlfriend just woke up from her nap and started yelling about cleaning. My life is just one giant fucking oyster. Now pardon me while I re-apply an ice pack to my broken nose. I hope you shitheels get some enjoyment out of my pain.

6:39: Bama just kicked a field goal after an impressive drive down the field. My face is once again covered in a ridiculous-looking contraption which is doing little to bring the swelling down in my nose. My girlfriend is asking me inane questions like "why is it called football if only one person touches the ball with their foot?" I now know how Iraqi prisoners feel. Alabama 20, Gators 17, Strongbows 6 1/2. I clearly need to drink faster.


6:48: Thanks for putting up the staat that Tebow has never won after being from behind in the second half. That makes me feel fantastic, assholes. Meanwhile, the Gator running game has been completely neutralized. I think I'm going to go kill myself a hooker tonight.

6:53: TOUCHDOWN, GATORS. Despite the 1980s era rap group the Fat Boys playing defensive line for Alabama, the Gators still used their brawn and huge testicles to drive down the field and earn a Jeff Demps touchdown. Gators 24, Bama 20, Strongbows 7 1/2. Now I call upon the power and strength of Brandon Spikes and the Gators D to literally decapitate Glen Coffee, Julio Jones and literally any other Bama skill player to touch the ball. I WON'T BE SATISFIED UNTIL I SEE EXPOSED SPINAL CORD.


7:00: YEAH JOHN PARKER WILSON. YOU GOT SACKED AND YOUR NAME IS STUPID AND YOU PROBABLY HAVE DOWNS SYNDROME. YOU CAN'T WIPE YOURSELF PROPERLY NOW.

7:05: Louis Murphy is a Golden God. That catch was more beautiful than any sunset, flower or poem that any artist could conjure. And now Aaron Hernandez caught a pass at the 10. In the words of Roberto Benigni, life, truly is beautiful.

7:09: TOUCHDOWN MOTHERFUCKING GATORS. Hoooooo-leeeeyyy shitttt. The team I love more than life itself is now 2:50 from going to the national championship, and up 11 points. I am cautiously giddy and boneriffic with excitement. Hold on boys, hold on. Gators 31, Bama 20, Strongbows 8 1/2. KILL THOSE FUCKERS DEAD.
7:15: The announcers just compared Florida to Muhammad Ali. The only difference: Ali had "no problem with no Viet Cong," while Tebow not only had no problem with them, but removed their foreskins out of love. Tebow > Muhammad Ali. If Tebow fought Frazier in Manila, the fight would have lasted 42 seconds and ended after Tebow knocked down Smokin' Joe for the fourth time. Then, being Tim Tebow, he would have carried Frazier to the hospital out of love.

7:18: INTERCEPTION GATORS. I love life. I love America. I love the Gators, puppies, babies, ponies, unicorns, America and Jesus. I forgive the Nazis for killing my Great-Grandfather. I want to adopt an orphan black baby like Madonna and care for it. I love all of you, and want to give everyone in this world a hug. 7:25: With the game in hand, there seems to be only one question at hand: Can yours truly finish Strongbow #10.?
(chugs)
(chugs)
(chugs)

YES I CAN. Gators 31, Bama 20, Strongbows 10. Who wins? Everyone, except for Alabama fans and my liver. On to the BCS Championship, which, lets not kid ourselves, I will also probably get drunk and liveblog for you all. In the meantime, I love you all.

7 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I'm drunk and making vegan frosted sugar cookies! Wheeee!

DALE! said...

Tebow can walk on water, run through brick walls... can he play D-back.. cuz, I know team that can use him....

nfsffw said...

Despite Meyer's brain fart, Tebow delivers.
Bama has a kid named Smelley.
Not too many jokes to be made there.

nfsffw said...

Game.Fucking.Over.

Anonymous said...

heeeeeheeeeehehehehehehe
That pompous fuck Saban LOST!

And people wearing Orange and Blue won!
Boatdrinks

dAndy ManCandy said...

That was a hell of a game. I'll get in on the action here for the national title! GO GATORS!!!

Rocco said...

Fucking vegans.

I hope OU puts up 62 on Florida.