Saturday, December 6, 2008

SEC Championshp Drunk and Injured LIveblog: First Half

3:45: It's been a rough day for the GHABB-ster. First, I woke up way too goddamned early, especially for a Saturday morning. Then, I went to kickboxing, where on Saturday they have in-ring sparring that is often the highlight of my week. Two weeks ago I literally knocked a kid cold, and I generally rule the roost in that ring against smaller, lesser opponents.

Not this week.

The sparring session started with a brutal round against my instructor, who was MUCH quicker than I and more than happy to take advantage of my slow left jab by countering with various and asundry hooks to my left jaw. My next two rounds were against a much more experienced student of similar size to myself, who hit like a truck and figured out all my tricks relatively early. In fact, this culminated in him countering my beloved left-right hook combination with two straight shots to the bridge of my nose, possibly breaking it.

Now, the nose didn't bleed profusely or anything, but I was seeing double for the next half hour and could only breathe at about 75% capacity. I've spent the last 20 minutes looking like an asshole holding an ice pack to my face, trying to get the swelling down and hoping that a trip to the ER is not in order. Again, I'm not sure it's broken, but it's definitely fucked up in some fashion. On top of that, I'm covered in tree sap after picking up our Christmas tree. How the fuck does someone get tree sap in their ear? Yet somehow, I did.

Only two things can help salvage this day: A win by my beloved Gators, and copious amounts of alcohol (as well as happy pills). The next few hours shall hopefully include both.

4:00 - Gametime. The only good thing to come of the "tilt my head back with a giant ice pack on my face" experiment is that alcohol flows much more freely down my gullet with my head looking skyward. So that should be fun. Jolly old Verne Lundquist just reminded us that this is the biggest game evAr, which will make a win all the sweeter. Oh, and Fastest Motherfucker Ever Percy Harvin will not play. Maybe it's the pain pills, maybe it's the alcohol and maybe it's the double-vision, but I'm still undaunted.

Hopefully this child will learn to live with disappointment

4:15: A brief check over to the BC/VT game shows our local D-I entry getting mass murdered by a crazed VaTech student body. If nobody hears from HZMLS over the next few hours, send out a search party and possibly the coroner. I did my part by texting him to stay away from the knife drawer or the chemicals under the sink.

4:30: The Gators are moving the ball with quickness and efficiency, because they're frankly better than everyone ever. Meanwhile, I found a way to contrive an ice-pack contraption wrapped around my head by an Ace bandage, which allows me both to see and to drink, albeit looking like a deformed Muslim woman. I'm like the MacGyver of football watching and drinking while injured, I swear.

4:34: TOUCHDOWN, GATORS. Score is now Gators 7, Tide 0, Strongbows 2 1/2. You know, for all the accolades that Alabama's defense has received this year, they pretty much let the Gators do whatever the fuck they wanted on that drive. Maybe Nick Saban spent that drive listening to job offers instead of, you know, actually coaching. Watch him take the Lions job at halftime or something.

4:38: Julio Jones just made a big play for Alabama. I'll admit - that dude scares the bejesus out of me, and he's only a freshman, albeit one who gets paid six figures per year by the Alabama athletic department. If the Gators have a weak spot, it's their defensive backfield, especially against super-fast or strong receivers. And now Alabama scored a TD on a relatively easy run. Well, shit, that didn't go terribly well. Gators 7, Tide 7, Strongbows 3.

4:44: Don't let the accent or charity work fool you, I bet Jane Seymour knows her way around a dick. I'd let her be my Medicine Woman at any time, provided that my ailment was "inability to ejaculate on an older woman's face."
4:48: Big punt return by 'Bama aided by another stupid Gator penalty. I know that "total penalties" often has little to do with a team's actual success (the Gators notoriously rank high in this category, yet kick all amounts of ass), but it has much to do with their fans, namely me going "goddamnit, not again you assholes" on frequent occasions. It led to an Alabama field goal, made by Leigh Tiffin, who kicked despite having a horrifically effeminate name. Bama 10, Gators 7, Strongbows 3 1/2.

5:00: Jesus Christ is Terrence Cody fat. How the fuck do I have diabetes and this 400lb blob of lard doesn't? I hope he has a heart attack and dies before halftime. If Bama keeps looking this good, this liveblog may take a dark, dark turn.

5:03: Hey Glen Coffee. Shaun Alexander called, and he just wanted to remind you that, as an Alabama running back, you'll become a literal walking corpse by the age of 30. So good luck with all of thatttt.
5:09: Alabama just epically failed a fake field goal, I suspect because the play involved math and reading and walking upright while breathing through your nose, none of which are things that any Alabama resident has mastered yet. Still, way to suck ten dicks you illiterate fucks.

5:15: A Tebow first-down run is followed up by a 51-yard-pass to "token" Riley Cooper. The Gators are so nasty that even the white wideouts are deep threats.

5:20: Field Goal, Gators. A little disappointed that they couldn't covert a red zone opportunity into a TD, but in this game, I guess you'll take whatever points you can get. Gators 10, Bama 10, Strongbows 4 1/2.

This is by far the toughest defense the Gators have played all year. Without Harvin, this game will be won or lost on the arm and legs of Tim Tebow. I, for one, have confidence, but I'd feel much better if we had Harvin in the lineup.
5:35: TOUCHDOWN, GATORS. Make no mistake, that drive was all Tim Tebow. If the Heisman Trophy has anything to do with a player's importance to his team, Tebow should win going away. He's entirely responsible for the fact that it's Gators 17, Bama 10, Strongbows 5. Well, less so the Strongbows, but you get my point.

6:00: End of the first half. I just took a 15-minute drunk nap. Good times.


nfsffw said...

I give the Strongbows a decent shot at outscoring Bama in the second half.

DALE! said...

I bet the number of minutes in the post game drunk nap vs. the total points at game's end

GHABB,Y~! said...

Yeah, we are TOTALLY stopping to get me a five-hour energy drink on the way to the concert tonight, otherwise i'll sleep through the sound check.

Pepster said...

Congrats on the win. Watched the entire game at a Uf alumni bar. If you can swing tickets ti the BCS championship game, you are welcome to stay with me, less than 45 miles away from the stadium. Plus my gf is a UF alumna.