Monday, December 15, 2008

Red Sox Update: There Are No Updates

"Prepare to be underwhelmed." - Theo Epstein.

Oh hi there, Sox fans. Thought I forgot about you, huh? Thought maybe I had moved on from the Sox? Thought I was now a "college basketball" and "banging chicks" kind of guy?

Come on now.

In reality, I would be writing a lot...if there was actually something to write about. So far the biggest news surrounding the hometown team is NEW UNIFORMS! OMGZ WTF THEY SUCK!!!!1111!!oneoneone!! Maybe I'm an asshole who doesn't care about tradition and logos and hanging Sox and color patterns, but I seriously don't give a shit. They're fine. Whatever. Call me when they sign Teixeira.

That looks to be the next big thing, by the way. The Yankees have been going apeshit with Sabathia and DL Burnett while the Sox have been staying pat, and I don't really forsee anything big for them besides Big Tex. Maybe a catcher. Maybe a 4th outfielder, someone like a Wily Taveres or Rocco Baldelli. Maybe another starter. You could see them take a flyer on John Smoltz or Brad Penny or something. But that's it, folks. THAT'S ALL. If you're looking for something crazier, keep looking, because it's just not going to happen.

With that in mind, I figured we need something here at MH to sort of spice up the off-season a bit. Maybe we can start a few unfounded rumors and see if we can get them to catch on. I'm thinking something like this:

*Jason Varitek is willing to accept a one-year deal for the veteran minimum if NESN promises to hire Heidi Watney's very curious but willing roommate as a "clubhouse assistant."

*With Mike Timlin not announcing his retirement yet, the Red Sox will take him back provided he accepts checks made out to Heathcliff Slocumb.

*Jason Bay's proposed contract extension includes a $2 million bonus if he orchestrates a Kids in the Hall reunion at Fenway Park.

*Clay Buchholz is straight.

*Julio Lugo has not been traded yet because he has comprimising photos of Tom Werner's 19-year-old girlfriend involving three professional golfers, a baby seal, and 10 rolls of duct tape.

Got any more? Leave 'em in the comments!


GHABB,Y~! said...

I'll drop some hanging Sox on your chin, BOOM

Pepster said...

Jon Lester left his wife and then started dating Sheryl Crow, before dumping her when she was diagnosed with cancer. Wait, I think I heard this before.

nfsffw said...

Theo is reportedly mulling a 3 year offer in the neighborhood of $20 million to the Iraqi shoe throwing guy.