Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Raiders still blow, and HZMLS Explains the Patriots' Playoff Picture


Was there really any question that the Patriots were going to win this game? Seriously, anyone who has watched the Raiders this year has seen a team that is flat, uninspired, and full of less talent than a cast of Road Rules. From the opening drive it was pretty clear that Black Ryan Leaf would be completely ineffective against the Patriots, and that the Raiders sad excuse of a defense was going to get smacked around like Paul Anka. In the pouring rain in the festering hellhole at the Oakland Coliseum, the Patriots rammed their collective wangs down the Raiders Black Hole and won more convincingly than the score would dictate. This was one of the first games all year that had the feel of some the massive beat downs the 2007 Patriots inflicted during the regular season.

Let's just start this off by reiterating how terrible the Raiders and more particularly JaMarcus Russell are. They are bad, like watching Craig Grebeck trying to hit a baseball bad. Who the hell do the Raiders have at WR, I kept hearing the name Schilling, and Ronald Curry. The highest average YPG for a WR on this team is like 25. Russell was terrible he missed receivers by five-ten yards, was constantly flustered, and is completely immobile. I think Tom Brady could beat him in a foot race, bad knee and all. Through the first half, there were a handful of plays where the Rich Gannon had a hard time explaining who the hell Russell was trying to throw to. Which was shocking because at one point Gannon tried to explain that Russell is going to turn into a serviceable pro. That'll happen around the same time I have a threesome with Megan Fox and Kristen Bell.

Well, I could create an entire post ripping on the Raiders, but let's just celebrate the pure awesomeness of the Patriots offensive game. If anyone wanted to question the character of Matty Cassell, put this in perspective he lit up the Raiders only days after his father died. Wait you didn't know that, ESPN never reported on it? Well media may have blown that out of proportion a little, but remember there was this other gritty gunslinger Riverboat Gambler QB who beat the Raiders after his father died, and was proclaimed the next coming of Christ for playing through it. (Though if my son was such a selfish, self indulgent prick, I would pray for death). 487 yards were gained by the Patriots, and Lamont Jordan had his game of the year. Oh and my boi Randy Moss made Nnamdi Assmonger look FOOLISH on his two touchdown grabs.

So that raises the question. Will the Patriots make the playoffs? After JP Losman handed the game to the Jets, and Santonio Holmes scored by the tip of his enormous dick, the entire playoff landscape changed. There are three basic scenarios that will result in Cassell busting his playoff cherry. The least likely is that the Jets will lose to the Seahawks next week and Miami against the Chiefs. The Chiefs and the Seahawks have showed some spunk the past few weeks, but between the two they have 5 wins so that AINT HAPPENIN'. The other scenario is either the Jets or Dolphins lose next week, and when the two face each in Week 17 the team that won in Week 16 has to lose. Am I confusing you yet? The final possibility is the Ravens could lose one of their final two games against the Jaguars or Cowboys. That looks like it could be the most plausible scenario, because after watching the Cowboys on Sunday Night, they looke energized and can score even against the leagues best defense. With that being said our playoff chances appear to be a crap shoot right now, so it's time to buckle and enjoy the next two weeks of football!

2 comments:

Rocco said...

Ugh. What does it say that Buffalo barely beat Oakland this year?

Matt Cassel, best free agent pick up ever. Thanks fantasy losers!

shaun said...

I pretty much figured out the Miami-Jets thing already. One of them has to finish with at least six losses, so if we concentrate on Arizona and Buffalo, and get those, it would only take a Baltimore loss to put us in.