Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Patriots Need a Little Holiday Magic




HZMLS: Santa Favre, I was wondering if you had any updates on my Christmas present this year?

Santa Favre: To tank for the last 5 weeks of the season and let the Patriots in the Postseason?

HZMLS: Yeah. You did a great job so far, 1 TD and 7 INT's in four games is great! But things have changed a little, I now want you to win the final game against the Jets on Sunday. You are going to have to play well.

SF: Ho Ho Ho, that's a pickle lilly..hmmmm... let me think, I am going to have to drastically step my game up (pauses five minutes). This sounds like a pretty important game, it might take all of my play making skills to win this. Looks like its time to ignore Coach Mangini's playbook and do my best to create...

H: I was hoping you wouldn't throw much at all, maybe instead could you just hand the ball off to Thomas Jones and Leon Washington.

SF: My littlest elf Leon? Oh come on, I have two Super Bowl Championships, and the most TD throws in NFL history. It's going to be a cold game, and Santa Favre NEVER LOSES in the cold. You've gotta trust me in a game like this, come on I'm SANTA FAVRE.

H: Santa Favre the last game you played in the cold you lost to the Seahawks last weekend, and you also lost to the Giants at Lambeau last year.

SF: How dare you question the power of Santa Favre, those losses were not my fault, it was um the defense! Ask Santa's biggest supporter's Peter King and John Madden, they always have my back

H: Forget this, this is going nowhere. I know someone else I should see to get help...



David G. : Happy Kwaanza mutha fucka!

HZMLS: Hi David. (interrupted)

OG: Naw dawg, don't use that name no mo. Call me OG from now on. You dig?

H: Ok sure, OG, I need your help. Next Sunday I need the Ravens to lose to your Jaguars, can you do that?

OG: Hell yeah my dude. Here's what I do, man, I just take the ball and I huck it over and over again to Troy Williamson and Reggie Williams. Shit I don't need Matt Jones's cracka ass, dudes gotta chill with the yayo. Man with my arm, shiiit, I'm looking at like 35 points. Ya know what I'm sayin?

H: Um, well, uh, you could do that David..

OG: It'z OG bitch.

H: Oh sorry OG. But maybe you could hand the ball off to MJD 25-30 times a game. He does represent your best chance to win doesn't he?

OG: Excuse me. Who da fuck are you? I AM THE MUTHA FUCKIN' JAGUARS! If we iz gonna beat the Ravens, itz on my arm! So git your 40's and yo Patron, I'm going to torch those mutha fuckaz on Sunday. I'm outta here, HAVE A GREAT KWANZAA U HURD ME???

H: There is no hope. Weeps quietly to himself.

4 comments:

GHABB,Y~! said...

Our only hope with the Jags/Ravens game is that Ray Lewis is so busy dancing that he doesn't notice the midget Maurice Jones-Drew scurrying by him into the end zone.

Yeah, we're fucked.

nfsffw said...

The fuck's with the league changing the Jets-Fish kickoff to 4:00? If the Pats beat the Bills the dog ass Jets have nothing to play for, although I'm sure Mangina will pull out all the stops to keep his team competitive.

Starting to agree about the Pats' fuckedness.

SmartyBarrett said...

If the Patriots win, the Jets still have a chance. If they win and the Ravens lose, the Jets are in as a Wild Card.

I think.

nfsffw said...

Thanks Smarty, I believe you're right.

Off to buy Brian Cashman some lube, my ass is really starting to hurt.