Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Our Swag is Not Terribly Phenomenal

One of the articles I look forward to every year is the one listing which free gifts are given to the participants in each college bowl, and this year Sports Business Journal has a great breakdown of whose swag truly is phenomenal, and Fox Sports has it in even greater detail, and with pretty pictures. For the record, your Boston College Eagles, for their troubles, will receive a Fossil watch, a backpack, an Adidas fleece jacket, a New Era cap, and a gift pack from Sony that includes noise-cancelling headphones and an MP3 player. Seriously, that's it? Some headphones and a fucking Adidas jacket? Oh boy, can imagine the noise-cancelling headphones should come in handy in front of Vanderbilt's uncouth batch of ruffians gathered to cheer on their home team. I heard that when the Commodores are in the red zones, all their fans clink their mint juleps together. At least the headphones can block out the noise of white Jersey-ite BC students asking the players why they at least could've beat the spread in the ACC Championship game.

Some other highlights of this year's "Free Bowl Shit," not to be confused with the "Loose Bowl Shit" I took this morning, and again twice this afternoon:

*Wake Forest and Navy each received a wool afghan for participating in last weekend's EagleBank Bowl. Because what better way to say "thanks" to our armed forces than to give them an ugly fucking afghan.

*Kansas and Minnesota had relatively disappointing seasons, and will relatively disappoint in the the relatively dissapointing Insight Bowl. What do they earn for this relative disappointment? Every player on both teams receives a not-remotely-disappointing free 26-inch LCD HDTV. Jesus fucking Christ, what would these players have received if their teams went 8-4 instead of 7-5? My guess: seventy-seven virgins, each skilled in the ancient art of massaging the prostate for male orgasm.

*The Alamo Bowl is giving out 80GB Sony PS3s to all of the players on the Missouri and Northwestern rosters. This is by far the best gift given to any bowl participants, and if I was a Florida Gator playing for the national title, I'd be pretty pissed off that I got a pair of dumb-ass looking Crocs instead of a PS3. (And yes, I know I'm opening myself to a bunch of "but Tebow loves Crocs!" zingers in the comments, so blow it out your ass)

*Maryland and Nevada are playing in the Humanitarian Bowl, and will receive winter jackets, hoodies, skull caps and gloves. In a related story, the Humanitarian Bowl is played in the freezing cold of Boise. Weirdly enough, this bowl also gives out a "nail kit" to each player, so when they're snowed indoors and wondering why they're spending their winter break in Boise, they can at least have buffed and clipped fingernails.

*Ohio State and Texas will each receive the "MyVu personal media viewer electronic sunglasses." Colt McCoy will then be able to live out his lifelong dream of being Max Headroom.

*LSU and Georgia Tech, playing in the Chick-Fil-A Bowl, will each receive a gift certificate to, you guessed it, Chick-Fil-A. Now, being the bowl's sponsor and all, I'm sure that you expect this to be a high-dollar gift card, meant to encourage the players to frequent their local Chick-Fil-A on a regular basis, right? Yeah, about that...how about fifteen bucks? Fifteen fucking dollars? Are you shitting me? Have you SEEN the LSU D-Line? That shit won't even cover dessert. "Thanks for risking life and limb to play in our bowl game, here's enough for a meal and a half, or, if you want, two kids meals." Oh, and they're not open on Sundays because God said so. Goddamned Jesus Chicken, maybe BC was better off playing in Nashville after all.


Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

maybe BC was better off playing in Nashville after all.

/covers self in gasoline, lights match

Pepster said...

Tebow only likes Crocks if they are Filipino.