Monday, December 1, 2008

Our Football Editor Has Gone Insane

It isn't much of a secret that HazelMaesLandingstrip has been all over the place with his predictions about the Patriots. After the injury to Tom Brady he proclaimed the Patriots were doomed, that Matt Cassel would fail this team, and he began counting the days until the 2009 season started. Recently he has been more level headed, he has realized the potential of the Pats, along with their strengths and weaknesses. In an act that would make Sigmund Freud proud, the editors of Mass Hysteria Sports have temporarily split our football editor's psyche into two segments in order to discuss yesterday's game.

Mass Hysteria Proudly Presents:
Hazel Maes Landing Strip vs Heidi Watney's Virginal Good Looks.

So the Patriot's had a rough game yesterday, turning over the ball 6 times, and allowing 30 unanswered points. What were your initial reactions after the game?

You know with the rainy conditions were terrible out there, it was tough to get a good grasp on the ball. Couple that with a super Pittsburgh defense, and mistakes were going to be capitalized. But you know what? We could have easily won that game, if the mistakes were minimized. I feel pretty confident that given a second chance, the Patriots would play much better, the mistakes would go away and we could take them. Relax Patriots Nation things aren't so bad, and this team is built to make it into the playoffs.

HZMLS: Wait, wait, wait....WAIT. HAVE YOU WATCHED ANY OF THESE GAMES? This team has gotten their ass handed to them by any team that has a modicum of talent. Steelers, Jets, Colts, Chargers, and THE FUCKING DOLPHINS have all beat this team. There is no way this team is playoff ready, and don't blame the weather because you know what? This is NEW ENGLAND, it rains it snows, we have fucking tornadoes up here. Welcome to December Matty, hope your vagina doesn't get cold in the snow. I watched this game at a bar, and I was hoping for instant death, or at least for my eyes to spontaneously combust after it was over.

Preferred sexual position

HWVGL: I am a big fan of the missionary. Its a great way to hold your lover and be intimate while making love. I really feel the connection with my partner while in this position

Oh man, doggie style is the way to go. When you have that ass in the air, it is something to be proud of. Plus you don't have to look at her face, so you can imagine anyone you want. Keeps the sex fresher Last night it was Jenna Haze, tomorrow night I'm thinking Megan Fox.

With a tough loss like this, its hard to find good things, but can you find a positive in this game?

Even though they allowed 33 points, the defense did what it needed to do to be in a position to win. It wasn't their fault the offense made consecutive turnovers that allowed the Steelers to start drives in the Red Zone. They were put in a tough situation, and until the very end the defense minimized the mistakes to mostly field goals. Mike Vrabel's interception gave the offense short field against the defense and Cassel and Sammy Morris capitalized on it. I have to give a hat tip to the D for a game well played.

P-osi-t-ive? Look after watching yesterdays game I wanted to either projectile vomit into a homeless man's hat or smash my head on my bedroom door knock. If I had to watch James Harrison strip sack Cassel one more time, or Randy Moss drop another pass I was about to go postal. I haven't seen much of Matthew Slater this week, but he looked more AC Slater then an actual football player. The only positive I can think of is that this game is over and with the inevitable "MISSED PLAYOFFS" we won't have to play the Steelers again.

Best Album of All Time

HWVGL: Oh this is a tough question, but I would have to go with Stevie Wonder's Songs in the Key of Life, it is an introspective album that really hits home on a variety of important themes including love, racial equality, and spirituality. I really like Stevie Wonder his songs are very melodic and he makes music that anyone could enjoy

HZMLS: Of course you would say that, are you wearing your panties and drinking a latte right now too? Jesus Christ, the best album of all time is Black Sabbath by the band with the same kick ass title. This ushered an age of rip your throat out heavy metal, and gave us an alternative to Cinderella and Warrant.

If you were to focus on one flaw of the game yesterday, and have it fixed for next week what would it be and why?

Hmmmm, definitely would be the problem with drop balls. As I mentioned earlier I think turnovers were huge, but looking at the rest of the schedule (Seahawks, Raiders, Bills and Arizona) I don't think that will be much of a problem. None of those defenses jump out at me as being very good. I think the more disconcerting issue here is when a wide receiver is left alone and still drops the ball. If Randy and Jabar Gaffney had made those catches, who knows how this game would have turned out?

Seriously, I think HWVGL is why I drink. Dropped balls? Give me a break, how about NOT MAKING SO MANY FUCKING MISTAKES. Yeah I am looking at you oversized paperweight named Dan Koppen. I am embarrassed you went to BC, go to Detroit and rot like your predecessor. How many times can an offensive line get smoked in a game? Troy Polyamalyalu (or LETS KEEP THE CAMERA FOCUSED ON HIM ALL GAME) untouched, James Harrison untouched, line up Dan Rooney at LB and he could have sacked Cassel or tipped a pass.

Thoughts on next weeks game

HWVGL: Well if we learned anything from CBS its that Belichick never loses two games in a row. He will have this team prepared, and work them to the bone during practices this week. I expect a team that looks crisp and ready to win and for the old Matt Cassel (the one who threw for 400 yards) to return. At least there were no big injuries during the game, so we still have most of our pieces in tack for the rest of the season

HZMLS:< slugs entire 40 bottle of Budweiser> We are playing against Seattle next week right? Good.

If you would like to pose a question for further discussions please email HZMLS at

Photos Courtesy of


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Slight correction:

Preferred Sexual Position

HWVGL: Under Jason Varitek.

nfsffw said...

HWVGL: "I never drop balls."

nfsffw said...

YAY, Rosie Colvin's back! Good system player who knows The System. Here's hoping he's in some sort of playing shape and has a half dozen games or so left in the tank.