Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Learning to Count with Phil Kessel!

Good morning kiddos! hyuk hyuk. I'm Phil Kessel, but you can just call me "Kess"! All the guys do it in the locker room! hyuk hyuk. Today, we're going to do something super fun and learn how to count to 15! What a big number! hyuk hyuk. I stayed up all night with Savvy practicing real hard even though PJ kept trying to tell me I should teach the kids to count to six-tee-nine for some reason, but that's a REAL big number so let's just "stick to the basics" today! hyuk hyuk. Ready?

One (1)! That's how many pucks we have on the ice when we play hockey. It's just a little thing too! hyuk hyuk puck hyuk.

Two (2)! That's how many defensemen we have on the ice when we play hockey. Just two! Except soon we might not have that many since they keep getting hurt, but that's ok because then me and Matty get to have sleepovers and stay up late playing Wii! Until Dennis steals it and gets mad because he can't make the boobs on his MarioKart girl bigger :(

Three (3)! That's how many periods we play in a game when we play hockey. Hockey is so fun!

YEEEEEEEEE baby the fuck is going on in here? 'Sup honkytonk? Can you count to AWESOME?!

Hyuk hyuk, awesome, that sounds like a really big number! Maybe as big as six-tee-nine! We're counting! I can count!


Um ok, well, shit son let me in on that. What number we on?

We're on four (4)! That's how many...

...how many other SOLDIERS I TAKE WITH ME ON THE COURT, son, that's how we get shit done! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hyuk hyuk ok! That's neato! Basketball is just like hockey I guess! Except without the goalie I guess. And without the ice I guess. And without the sticks I guess. And without the half-crazed Serbians who give you wedgies in the locker room I guess...

Hyuk hyuk oh hey Looch! You look different hyuk hyuk. Ok now kiddos we're on five (5)! which is how many Stanley Cups the Boston Bruins which is the hockey team I play for (hyuk) have won.

White bread please... just cut to the chase and let's get to SEVENTEEN WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hyuk hyuk we're not at 17 yet Paul! Right now we're just at six (6)! That's how many players are on the ice when we play hockey!

FOR SHIT'S SAKE ICE MONKEY, enough with the hockey talk! Can you count to 7, baby? That shit's just like GAME 7 against LeWrong Change, honky, when baby boy scored 41 muthafucking points to bring my Celtics to the CHAMPIONSHIPS BABY WOOOOOO!

Hyuk hyuk ok, let's not use words like "monkey" in front of the kiddos now! We're on eight (8), which...

Forget 8, Mayor Mayonnaise, let's start talkin 'bout NINE, which is how many seasons I rotted in this godforsaken baseball-loving fishtown before SWEET SWEET REDEMPTION BABY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


Shit son that's what I said.

Hyuk hyuk ok on to the big numbers now kiddos! How about ten (10), which is how many numbers on the Boston Bruins are retired! That's the team I play hockey for! Can you name them all? Let's try...

Bobby Orr
Phil Esposito
Johnny Bucyk
Eddie Shore
Cam Nee--


Hyuk hyuk did you play hockey for the Boston Bruins, the team that I play hockey for? That's neato, Paul!

OH MY GOD Thirty Days of White, I swear, you are killing me over here. Let me take over, cause now we on eleven...



...like I said, eleven, hockey honk, which is the number of times I got muthafucking STABBED and STILL CAME BACK TO WIN THIS SHIT BABY WOOOOOOO!

Aw hey Paul, that's neato! That's also (11) how many games I missed when I had cancer in my big boy parts!

Wait, what? You had nutsack cancer and only missed 11 games? And you didn't, like, become a huge attention whore and fuck Sheryl Crow and make a bunch of gay bracelets and stuff? That's... shit, son. That's pretty damn cool for a trout-faced cracker on ice, ya dig?

Hyuk hyuk thanks Paul! Hyuk hyuk.

Well... damn. How 'bout you take 13, kid?

Well they say thirteen (13!) is unlucky, Paul! Hyuk hyuk. But that's how many assists Bergie has on the season! At least I think. He talks kinda funny! Hyuk hyuk.

Aww, we got assists in hoops too, High School Musical(TM) On Ice! I dig that. How 'bout fourteen (14!), which is how many free throws yours truly once made in one half?

That's super neato, Paul! Hyuk hyuk. And you know? I think we've finally reached our goal (just like in hockey, the sport that I play for the Boston Bruins)! Take it away, Paul!

YEEEEEE BABY WE ON FIFTEEN (15)! That's how many muthafucking games in a muthafucking row my Boyz 'N Tha Green be winning now. WOOOOOO BANNER 18 HERE WE COME!


Yes, The Other White Meat?

Well it's just...

I was just...

...well you see I've scored points in 15 games in a row now, and it's currently the league's longest point streak this year.




You know something?

You alright, kid.

Hyuk hyuk hyuk!


Pepster said...

I was wondering where this was going. Then once I got to the end, I realized that I was still wondering where it was going.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

One puck. Got it.

GHABB,Y~! said...

The only way this post would have gone better is if they sang "Ebony and Ivory" at the end of it.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

How to best enjoy this post:

1. Open New Tab
2. Go to Youtube
3. Find the Odd Couple Theme Song
4. Read Post
5. Bask in it's awesomeness

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

I'm usually with Pepster, hating crap like this.

But I was actually amused. Way to go.


Raquel said...

What matters is that I (a) was amused and (b) put off writing this fucking mailing for another half hour. Fuck the lot of you!

nfsffw said...

It's all about your amusement isn't it, futuremrsraquelsomebody?
One of the funniest fucking things I've read in a long time, I about choked on my turkey samwich.

Pepster said...

Oh I was amused all right, I just didn't understand exactly where it was going. Of course, we don't practice much hockey down here in Florida, so I had no idea anybody had any type of point streak going.

Rocco said...

I approve of this post. Well done.

stanley cup of chowder said...

Let me know when this face painter Raquel returns the FutureMrs.

Anonymous said...

Does he really hyuk hyuk? I would think that would cause someone to take a blunt instrument up his head.

I enjoyed, even the long path. Go forth and make me giggle!