Monday, December 22, 2008

HZMLS v HWVGL: Cardinals and Patriots

It isn't much of a secret that HazelMaesLandingstrip has been all over the place with his predictions about the Patriots. After the injury to Tom Brady he proclaimed the Patriots were doomed, that Matt Cassel would fail this team, and he began counting the days until the 2009 season started. Recently he has been more level headed, he has realized the potential of the Pats, along with their strengths and weaknesses. In an act that would make Sigmund Freud proud, the editors of Mass Hysteria Sports have temporarily split our football editor's psyche into two segments in order to discuss yesterday's game. Hazelmaeslandingstrip is the irrational, loudmouthed, malcontent while HeidiWatneysVirginalGoodLooks takes a big deep breath and sees the good in everything.

Mass Hysteria Proudly Presents HazelMaesLandingstrip vs HeidiWatneysVirginalGoodLooks


What were your thoughts on this game?
HWVGL:
What a fantastic game played by the Patriots, good offense, solid defense and snow football! How can you complain about a game like this, 47 points, a Wes Welker snow angel, and a running game that shoved the ball down the Cardinals gullet all game. How can you complain, Kurt Warner (no sir, NO MVP FOR YOU) looked like 2005 Kurt Warner. Plus the cheerleaders wore Santa Claus hats. A+ all around

HZMLS:
I agree mostly with my moist crotch counter part, but my god this game was fucking boring. This was a formulaic game from the 2007-08 season, the Patriots jump to a huge lead by halftime and I spend the entire second half with my hands down my pants looking at half naked pictures of Patriot's cheerleaders. A win is great, but my god when the last 30 minutes of the game are spent running down the clock, its more boring than watching Arena Football.

If you could sleep with any celebrity alive or dead who would it be and why?

HWVGL:
Oh definitely Brooke Shields, she looks like the type of woman you take to a good movie, bring home to mom and make her your wifey. Traditional good looks, nice body, great smile and seems like a fantastic girl.


HZMLS:
Hey dick cheese, if you came up with a cornier answer you would have corncob prongs sticking out of your ass. My choice for a girl? Meagan motherfucking Fox. That broad knows what she is doing, I want a girl that looks at my dick like food and she hasn't eaten in a week. Jesus Christ, I would take that girl to a pay by the hour motel,wear her out, and never call her again. And guess what? She would love every second of it.

Yesterday the Patriots took the Cardinals to school at the Razor with a 47-7 win. Who was the MVP of the game?

HWVGL:
Again, it is becoming redundant but Matt Cassel is the MVP of not only this game, but for the entire Patriots season. The way he is playing and progressing you can expect Cassel to be completely levitate over the field, and will the ball to the receivers. Also on his spare time Cassel not only cured AIDS, but transmitted it to the entire Taliban. Matt Cassel is the reason Robert Downey Jr. stopped using drugs. Yes Cassel is that awesome.

HZMLS: The MVP of this game is definitely the S-N-O-W. It was pretty clear that the Desert Birds have never seen snow, let alone played a game of football in it. The snow was like white kryptonite falling from the sky, their once vaunted offense vanished and instead played like a Bryn Mawr powderpuff football team. What kind of game film did the Cardinals watch? Ken Wisenhunt let me give you a word of advice as you get ready for the playoffs; IF YOU PLAY IN THE SNOW RUN THE FOOTBALL. 15 runs an entire game not only gets you a loss, but gets your team blown out against a Playoff caliber opponent.

Quick Answer time: If you could have a super power what would it be

HWVGL: The ability to fly.
HZMLS: To be able to orgasm multiple times.

The Patriots are going to need some help to get into the playoffs, grab your crystal ball and predict what is going to happen in Week 17.


HWVGL: Things are looking pretty good for the Patriots. Only one of the following two have to happen on Sunday. Captain Clutch Brett Favre has to beat the Dolphins at the Meadowlands, or Jacksonville will have to find a way to beat the Ravens. If there is anything that ESPN has taught me it's that Mr. Intangibles always comes up big in important games. In fact I wish the media talked more about him, Favre definitely could use more publicity. So yeah, I think the Dolphins are going to lose and the Patriots are going to win the East. Get ready, Matt Cassel will be starting his first playoff game.

HZMLS: Doesn't listen to that knucklehead, the Patriots chances of winning are slimmer than me growing six pack abs on a diet of Jack Daniels and Qdoba Burritos. Brett Favre is a bumbling crapfactory who has rapidly pressed the "SELF DESTRUCT" button over the past four weeks. And do you really trust David Garrard against that Ravens D, the fricken guy has Crohn's disease. Do you know what that is? Well, after looking it up on WebMD I realized that he suffers from diarrhea, irritable bowels and tummy aches. Pussy. So yeah, prepare your violins, the Patriots are going to miss the Playoffs.

8 comments:

GHABB,Y~! said...

I wish I had the ability to orgasm without craving a sandwich and a nap afterwards.

Cornelius Hardenbergh said...

"Captain Clutch Brett Favre" who had to come out of retirement and play for the Jets because his last throw was an interception in overtime in the playoffs?

Right. Crap.

nfsffw said...

Hoping for some really sewery NJ weather next week and Thomas Jones straight up the gut 30 times. Fish can swim in that shit and won't be able to stop him = easy dog ass Jets victory. Of course we have the undercurrents of Pennington wanting to fuck Mangini and Mangini wanting to fuck Belichick but not get fucked by Pennington. I guess all we can do is tune in Sunday for the Frozen Football Fuck Fest and hope the Pats aren't the Fuckees.

nfsffw said...

Uh, fish CAN'T swim would be correct.

/dipshit

Boatdrinks said...

Let's see:
1) Brett Favaro self destructing in a timely manner, on a schedule most predicted. CHECK.
2) Fins, contrary to my gut instinct, actually got a clue with Sparano and Parcells. CHECK.
3) Jacksonville vs. Ravens: who ya got? NOT JACKSONVILLE. I watched the joy that was the Houston game. GAH. CHECK.

We are fucked. Enjoy the holidays!

The A-Train said...

I like how you all are assuming the Patriots are going to beat the Bills.

For that, I'm posting this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHbnQXsyDrE

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

@A Train: This is a Boston sports blog, would you expect any less?

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

A-train -- after your shitpile of a team fucked away the Jets game, we no longer believe they could beat a handicapped 4-year-old tied up in a sack if they had to, let alone the Pats.

Little bitter about that game. Little bitter.