Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Ho Ho Ho: HZMLS's Perverted, and Deprived Xmas List

The malls are all crowded with thousands of people who like myself have waited until the last minute to get their shopping done. If you are smart and did your shopping in November, most likely you are missing the living hell that is the American Department store in December. No parking, pushy assholes who grab the last thing you are looking for, and CHRISTMAS MUSIC CHRISTMAS MUSIC CHRISTMAS MUSIC. Christmas shopping ranks as one of the things I hate most in life, right after getting a cavity filled, talking to my great uncle about his life, and listening to Dane Cook stand up. Now, I know most of you are still looking for a great Christmas gift for me, and what can I say I am a hard person to shop for. But to make things easier for you, I have comprised my wish list for Christmas gifts this year.

1. Matt Ryan Jersey (either Atlanta Falcons or his BC Jersey)- Yeah I bet you all figured this was going to be on my list (or were disappointed I don't own one already). No, I don't want a replica of his jersey, which you can get at any Olympia Sports, or at Alumni Stadium. I want a REAL Matt jersey, worn by the savior of the Atlanta Falcons and the best football player to ever play the game. I expect the jersey to be not cleaned, and to be game worn. If it has been cleaned the sweet smell of victory and awesomeness will be absent, and well that kind of ruins the point. Extra credit for an accompanied personally signed picture from Matt Ryan.

2. A stripper, or strippers.
: Yes, HazelmaesLandingstrip is getting married next year.I have about 8 months of bachelorhood left, and let's be honest it scares the crap out of me. Just to think come next August I will be spending my Saturday nights shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond and will be forced to actually budget my money for you know important things. All I am asking you is for some nice silicon bouncing in my face, and hell the trashier the better. If you run down to the Golden Banana in Peabody you probably could get a stripper cheaper than the cost of a Christmas Tree. I would prefer one that smelled like a mixture of Kool Cigarettes, generic vodka and death, because I have never had a lapdance, and I want to have the true stripper experience.

3. Mark Teixeira. I am tired of this saga, Boras plays John Henry, Henry plays hardball. ENOUGH ALREADY JUST SHOW HIM THE MONEY AND BRING HIM HERE. David Ortiz body is falling apart, and Mike Lowell is closer to 45 then his listed age. Plus if the Yankees sign him, I may go postal.

4. Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe. Holy-fucking-shit. If you play video games and read comics this is the menage-a-trois that you always dreamed about. The thought of Sub Zero ripping off Superman's head gives me goose chills, and if Scorpion can toast Batman well I'm sold. Mortal Kombat was the shit when I was a kid, I remember playing the game in secret, because my parents would have killed me if they saw me playing it. Plus I really, really wanted to have sexual relations with Sonya Blade. The only downfall? The Super Hero's have no Finishing Moves, which is pretty gay.

5. If you could please pray to the football gods that Eric Mangini gets fired after the season that would be great. I want to see his squirrely ass coaching the Lions, or some Arena Football League whenever they decide to have a season again.

6. A Boston Bruins Media Guide: After getting thoroughly chewed out by Raquel for failing to realize the awesomeness of David Krejci, I realized something. No matter how hard I try, I have a real hard time following the Bruins online. Whenever I try to read a recap on Boston.com, I find myself wandering over to Youporn, or reading about how terrible the Lions are. My attention span for hockey is nil, which is sad because honestly I really like the game. I used to watch it all the time when Andy Moog was around, and Cam Neely and Ray Bourque were so awesome. It's just after the strike I lost focus, and I need a guide that I can throw on my coffee table so I don't sound like a retard when I talk about hockey.

7. Tickets to a Red Sox game- Long ago I spent a cold December after noon in "Waiting Room Hell", which lasted basically the entire day as I clicked refresh over and over again, until finally around 5pm when I got the opportunity to purchase two Upper Bleacher tickets for a game against the Royals in April. The Waiting Room is as painful to sit through as Christmas Shopping, and while I'm at I want all scalpers to get syphilis for making ticket purchasing so god damn hard. Well, I gave up on Waiting Room years ago, as I found that ANYTHING is more productive on a Saturday than that. So, if you want to go to a Sox game with someone who loves to drink and make inappropriate jokes this might be an easy Xmas gift.


SmartyBarrett said...

or reading about how bawful the Lions are.


/at least you read some of her columns.

shaun said...

You neglected to list the Stanley Cup, for the Bruins.

The A-Train said...

Hey, what's this? Mark Teixeira to the Yankees? Alright!

Hey Mark, don't worry about knowing exactly how much your contract is per at-bat. Yankees fans will remind you every time you ground out weakly to short.

shaun said...

You guys should bring signs when they come to Fenway..."For only a little less, you could have had a championship, too."

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

When AJ Burnett's arm falls off and CC comes to camp at a lean 325 pounds, Mark Teixeira's signing will seem irrelevant.