Fuck the Celtics/Boston
Yes, you are reading that correctly. Fuck. The. Celtics. Also. Fuck. Boston. The crew of Top Ten Chicago Sports has temporarily taken over this here fine sports blog. In a minute we will thoroughly and brutally clarify how the Bulls of Chicago will fearlessly dominate the Celtics of Boston in tonight’s basketball match up. Also, there may be some slight Boston bashing. But first, let us take a closer look at today’s writing competition – GHABBY.
As you read this, GHABBY is doing his best over at TTCS to convince you, fine, well respected reader, that the Celts stand any kind of shot against the Bulls in tonight’s game. His arguments may seem plausible, but I implore you to dismiss his humble attempt at logic and reason. You see, GHABBY suffers from diabetes and therefore is less a human than you or I.
Unlike many of the more cruel bloggers on the web, I do not blame GHABBY for this filthy condition. However, I do heed the advice of Mass Hysteria contributor Worthington P. Foxtrotty towards inferior species of man – we need to approach GHABBY’s rhetoric with caution and general disapproval as we have done so many times with the Papist Ortiz and the Dread Pirate Ramirez. We need to avoid these men like the plague the dirty foreigners inevitable carry. For you non-racists – he is less a man than Joe Rogan or for you Cubs fans, Jeff Blauser.
Now lets move onto why Boston sucks/why the Bulls will win tonight. Presented by TTCS’s Scott Phillips…
Ditka – Do you realize the awesomeness that is Mike Ditka? He is a god among men. Granted Belichick only wears cut-off hoodies and cheats, both of which are cool in Chicago might I add, but he isn't a stone cold killer like Ditka.
Your "city" produced Ben Affleck, Dane Cook and John Kerry – Really this is as bad as it gets when it comes to American culture. Affleck is the typical whiny Boston assclown who has to bitch about the Yankees constantly. Cook is an arrogant and unfunny douche bag and Kerry set our country back another four years by being such a bad Presidential candidate that he couldn't defeat Satan. That equates to Boston producing three of the biggest losers of the decade. (Note we realize Chicago produced Joan Cusack and Frank Caliendo, but that is not NEARLY as bad as those three).
Architecture – Boston has a lot of cool really old shit; the optimal word there being old. I mean looking at historical buildings and going to Boston Common is cool and all but it doesn't get you laid like taking some floozy to the bar atop the John Hancock building (and I mean the REAL John Hancock building, where Farley died of a coke OD, not the shitty office building). I mean would you get pussy going to the Prudential Building? Get some real buildings.
Food – A city known for New England Clam Chowder is not a city I want to live in. We have Chicago deep-dish pizza, Chicago style hot dogs and a million awesome steak houses and restaurants. Also, Boston doesn't have White Castle. What the fuck am I supposed to eat when I'm high? Lobster?
KG is a punk bitch – I said it. KG is a punk bitch and I am here to say he is NOT a Chicagoan. He spent one year at Farragut and has never been here since, so fuck him. It's bad enough everyone associates this pussy with Chicago in the first place. What, he's "crazy" because he talks to the basket and calls out lesser players? Wow, calling out Mark Pope, Joel Przybilla, Rick Rickert, Wally Szczerbiak, Francisco Elson, Tyrone Nesby, Anthony Peeler makes you a man. I can't wait till this pussy tries to call out Aaron Gray.
Jesus Shuttlesworth – Jesus Shuttlesworth still hasn't fallen from stardom yet. How the hell is this the case? The city of Boston is filled with white women, a weakness Jesus had on his college visits. Jesus also went to Big State. Big State just doesn't have the kind of coaching pedigree of John Thompson or Jim Boeheim.
Old fuckin team – This team is just old as fuck. Cassell loves that balls hanging dance, because he is so old his balls really DO hang that low. Pierce is going to stab you guys in the back soon enough when he is hurt again and I can't wait until you guys bring P.J. Brown back for the playoff run.
Big Baby Davis – The Bulls may not be very good but at least we haven't had one of our players cry on the bench. I mean this fat fuck needs to grow up and stop cowering to KG and go find some ugly white women.
Tiny town – Boston is a cute little town, but it's just like Notre Dame; all Catholics, white people and ugly women. I mean there is a reason that Simmons has never described his wife or shown a picture of her, right?
Now down to the real reasons – This is a classic game where Boston overlooks the Bulls because they just played their "rival" Atlanta (and how sad is it that the Hawks took you to seven last year?) and the Lakers next week. The Bulls can't POSSIBLY have a worse game from Tyrus Thomas this time (he’s hurt!) and Derrick Rose is going to go off for about 50 points and 20 assists just like he did in my NBA 2K9 season. In truth, we will probably lose by 20, but I have to be optimistic.
And now TTCS’s fearless leader, Matt Olsen…
Epic Collapse – With the world struggling to provide fresh water to so many poor nations worldwide, the surplus created by the tears of Patriots fans after Super Bowl XLII has benefited millions. But don’t think for a second the Celtics will be outdone. They have an epic collapse of their own in store for the people of Boston. Meanwhile, the children of Ethiopia are eagerly anticipating the useless Celtics 2009 NBA Championship gear that the league will be sending them. And it all starts tonight against the Bulls.
The luck of the bouncing ping-pong ball – The size of the horseshoe stuck up John Paxon’s ass makes Plymouth Rock look like a pebble. How can you possibly deny this kind of luck? How could you possibly expect anything less than the Bulls taking this game when the odds are less than .01%? How could I possibly make this unbelievable single stroke of luck clear enough for the people of Boston to understand?
Does Bucky Dent mean anything?
You talk like retards – It’s a common misconception in Boston that the outside world finds their accents amusing, engaging even. But just to straighten things out for you, let me be clear.
I’d rather listen to Fran Drescher recite the Gettysburg address after sucking down a balloon full of helium than stand in a room full of Bostonites. I’d rather have a roundtable discussion with Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag on the perils of global warming.
It’s that bad
This concludes our reasons for hating Boston, as well as why the Bulls will stomp the shit out of your Celtics tonight. Merry Christmas, Boston. And for you non-Christians, find Jesus. Seriously, you’re going to hell if you don’t.