The time of year has come again when you drain the last of your savings account in local malls, liquor stores and crack dens to buy Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Festivus presents simply out of guilt and a capitalism-induced sense of obligation. If you’re like me, these presents generally fall into one of three categories:
A) Overly expensive presents for people you actually care about that you spend the entire month of December worrying yourself sick that they’ll actually like them, and not give you the “hm, well that’s…um…interesting” look when they open them, only to spend the next 364 days secretly hating you and calling you a cheap inconsiderate asshole behind your back.
B) Overly expensive presents for family members you barely tolerate, know less than nothing about and dread spending the holidays with. Note, these presents often come in the form of gift cards, generally to Bed Bath & Beyond, Target, or if it’s a child, Dick’s Sporting Goods, even if they don’t play any sports.
C) Overly expensive presents for coworkers/bosses/fellow participants in various and asundry Yankee Swaps that make you think “what would a (insert gender) that is (insert age) years old like for Christmas that could be construed as safe, boring and not embarrass me publicly in any way?”
Luckily, your fearless scribe has taken it upon himself (or myself, as it were) to help aid you in this process and make your gift-buying process as panic attack-free as humanly possible. Here, therefore, is a list of five possible gifts that cannot (or should not) possibly go wrong, especially for the sports-loving gift recipient in your life:
1) Liquor – You really can’t go wrong buying someone liquor. I simply cannot stress this enough. Buying someone liquor is like telling them “I don’t hate you and therefore want you to have at least a few hours of inhibition-free enjoyment,” and if this recipient happens to be someone you’d like to eventually bed, that inhibition-free enjoyment could even end with a sloppy hand job at the end of the night. The only people who don’t like liquor are Muslims and Mormons, and I don’t think either of them celebrates Christmas anyways. Besides, liquor is also the easiest gift to buy, as you need only ask someone who’s known them for five minutes “what does so-and-so drink,” and buy them a reasonably-priced bottle of that. Note that I said reasonably priced, as a $5.99 plastic bottle of Cossack vodka may not be the best Holiday gesture.
2) Books – Unless your gift recipient is Dexter Manley or Lamar Odom, chances are they can read. Therefore, they’re probably looking for something decent to read in bed now that they’ve polished off “Twilight” and “The Secret.” Furthermore, being someone who reads this site, you are obviously a man/woman of fantastic and selective taste in what you read, and taste that should be shared with the rest of the world. So why not enlighten that person’s world with a book that’s not out of Oprah’s Book Club and make them think you’re cooler in the process? Some recent favorites I’ve finished recently are the FreeDarko book and Jeff Pearlman’s "Boys Will be Boys," which come with my highest recommendations. I, however, also only read books about black people who run or jump for a living, so take for that what you will.
3) A gift certificate to a porn store – Now, before you go calling me a pervert, hear me out. Everyone has sex (except for the Jonas brothers). Everyone likes porn. Nearly everyone likes women in catholic schoolgirl skirts or French Nanny outfits, and, according to a study I just made up, 1/3 of everyone likes anal beads and ball-gags. Thankfully, there are stores that sell all of these materials and more, and by “more,” I mean “six hour compilations of German shitting videos” and “Gonzo betamax tapes with 400lb Samoan women getting triple-teamed.” To use the well-worn phrase, there’s no accounting for taste, and a gift certificate to your local smut-porium will help meet the needs of whatever taste your gift recipient has, even if that taste happens to involve Indian women vomiting on nude expectant mothers of twins. Go bold. Go porn.
4) Sports-themed apparel – This one’s tricky, as there’s a fine line between what’s acceptable sports-themed apparel, and what isn’t. However, this IS a sports site, so we might as well give some advice in sports apparel purchases. Buying someone that discounted Daisuke t-shirt tells them “I shop in the clearance section at Marshall’s and obviously pay no attention to WHIP.” However, buying them a 1980 Pete Maravich Celtics jersey (the prize of my throwback collection) tells them “you’re the coolest motherfucker I know, and worthy of wearing such a genius piece of clothing.” Be selective when buying sports-themed apparel. Generally, either try to go with something completely vintage or entirely new (like the new Bruins third jersey) - either way, try to get them something that you know nobody else has. Remember, everyone has that generic “local sports team” t-shirt at the bottom of the drawer, but it’s the truly exalted and creative clothes that end up getting their own hanger in the closet.
No. No. No. A thousand times no.
5) Hand-to-hand Combat Gear – Quick question: What is the oldest sport known to man? Baseball? Try again, retard. Soccer? Nice try you Euro fagamuffin. Marathoning? You’re getting closer, but your nipples are still bleeding with wrongness. No, the oldest and most awesome sport ever is KICKING FUCKING ASS, which dates back to UFC 1 when Atilla the Hun choked out a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a gogoplata in the second round. Everyone loves ass-kicking, and if they don’t, they’re not someone you should be buying a gift for anyways. So why not enable their inner ass-kicker and buy them a nice set of MMA gloves, or a punching bag. Hell, even buying someone a baseball bat and filling up an empty room with glass vases for them to break says “Happy Holidays” way more than some lame-ass gift card to Starbucks.
Besides, after spending the month of December wasting their money on lame-ass gifts, the best thing you could give someone is an opportunity to punch or break something without fear of consequence or legal repercussion. There’s simply no better way to spend the Holiday season.