Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Gaylord Bowl Drunk Liveblog First Half

3:30: We're here live from the GHABB,Y Palace of Awesomeness, playing substitute teacher while HZMLS has the pre-marital leash pulled on him once again. I heard HZMLS gave his fiancee a wonderful present for Christmas: his balls, encased in a cedar box, for her to keep forever and ever. Then again, I woke up at 7 this morning to drive out to Market Basket to buy my girlfriend baking supplies, fending off hundreds of minorities and elderly in the process.

Still, I'm here armed with a dozen Strongbows, low blood sugar, and no motivation whatsoever to leave my living room chair for the next three or so hours, so here's to three hours of Gaylord jokes.

3:35: I mean, if you voluntarily told someone "oh, I stayed at the Gaylord Hotel," that's pretty much an admission that you spent the previous evening blowing a dude, right? Can we now refer to any and all homosexual acts as "staying at the Gaylord Hotel?" And can gay guys come out to their parents by leaving a Gaylord Hotels receipt on the kitchen table?

3:39: Holy shit is Dominique Davis a terrible quarterback. He just overthrew his first two passes by a combined 58,058 yards. Between having to root for this guy as his team's quarterback and trading in his penis for the rest of his life, it's a shock that we haven't found a suicide note in HZLMS' apartment.

3:44: Vandy used fifteen different quarterbacks to drive down the field and kick a field goal. Vanderbilt 3, BC 0, Strongbows 1/3. I know, I know, more drinking with the quickness, but being New Year's Eve, today's alcoholocaust (a word I read yesterday on EDSBS and my new favorite word EVER) is going to be a marathon, and not a sprint.

3:52: Holy shit, that Gaylord Hotels guy had the creepiest smile EVER at the end of his speech. Don't think he doesn't know what goes on in his hotels. That smile said "come to my hotel and blow a man named Evan or Bruce." Oh, that dude knows. That dude KNOWS. Meanwhile, Vandy just completed a deep pass and are generally abusing BC on both sides of the ball so far. It's almost as if BC somehow doesn't want to be playing a 6-6 team in their home city in the fucking Gaylord Bowl or something.

3:57: Another field goal for Vandy. At least BC's defense isn't allowing Vandy's Red Zone offense to roughly penetrate the puckering ruby starfruit that is Gaylord Bowl end zone. Vandy 6, BC 0, Strongbows 1.

Oh Kurt Vonnegut, how we miss thee.

4:05: Dominique Davis is apparently "confused" by the offensive playcalling. Apparently, he didn't understand the part about "we don't trust you to throw the ball at all, so you're handing the ball off every play." And like that, Davis goes off the script and hits his running back in the hands with a screen pass. The RB was obviously in such a state of shock that they let Davis pass that he didn't expect the pass. BC punts again, something which, at this rate, will be the inevitable end to all of their offensive possessions.

4:15: The ESPN broadcasters are quite impressed with the turnout of Vanderbilt fans. Yes, because it's impressive that fans actually showed up to a team's first bowl game in 26 years that happens to be down the street from campus. Yeah, kudos and fucking huzzah to them.

4:25: SOUND THE ALARM, DOMINIQUE DAVIS COMPLETED A PASS! Davis just threw for 15 whole yards, and actually hit Brandon Robinson! Yay! Prior to that, Davis had been 1-7 for one whole yard. In fact, we recently went 29 plays from scrimmage here with exactly one play over 10 yards. In a related story, I'm starting to drink heavily. And of course, as I finished typing this, Davis just threw a pick. I HATE THIS GAME AND ITS STUPID FACE.

4:36: There's something comical and depressing about watching Dominique Davis try to throw a long pass. It's kinda like trying to watch a midget get a wineglass off the top shelf, or a foal being born and try to walk. Awkward and uncomfortable, but mildly hysterical.

4:47: Stock up on canned goods and bottled water, because BC's put together an actual drive. Granted, they've averaged like 3.6 yards per play on said drive, but still, they've proceeded to go 16 consecutive plays without punting, turning the ball over or having any member of their offense publicly defecate all over himself. And with that, TOUCHDOWN BC! Like sex with a 28-year-old virgin, it was slow, awkward and not nearly worth the effort, but the score is now BC 7, Vandy 6, Strongbows 4. Jerry's Kids across the world celebrate.

4:55: Halftime. I'm going to go cry in the shower.


Grimey said...

LOLLERcaust > Alcoholocaust

Anonymous said...

Dominique Davis isn't a bad quarterback... he's just "raw".

SmartyBarrett said...

At the end of the first quarter, Davis is averaging 7.2 inches per attempt.

You read right. INCHES.

Anonymous said...

Lou Holtz = cottonballs in the mouth spokesperson of the year!

nfsffw said...

Well at least HMLS isn't staying at the Gaylord Hotel...
Glad to see the Strongbows catching up, I think they'll have a big second half and win this thing going away.