Wednesday, December 31, 2008
at 5:34 PM Posted by GHABB,Y~!
5:21: I just shoveled my walkway and steps during halftime because it's fucking snowing AGAIN in Massachusetts. Cmon God, you already denied the Pats the playoffs, why do you have to further smite us with shitty fucking snowstorms? Btw, HZMLS texted me with "I would let Mark Herzlich impregnate futuremrsHZMLS and I would raise the kid." I responded by "this game is like watching retards try to 69." I clearly need to drink more.
5:24: Herzlich just hit a guy so hard, his gallbladder fell out. Provided he passes a steroid test and doesn't rape a girl causing James Caan to suspend him, this man NEEDS to be wearing a Pats uniform next year.
5:32: USURY AND MONEYLENDING. Vandy punted and it hit the foot of a BC player, and then they fell on top of it and scored a touchdown. Cheapest. Touchdown. Ever. Vandy 13, BC 7, Strongbows 5. Seriously, in this clusterfuck of a game, that's the type of bass-ackwards way that touchdowns are scored.
5:51: Here's the thing. There's really no excuse to be losing to Vanderbilt. Vandy is to the SEC what the white kid on the end of the bench is to a basketball team: they're just there to keep the GPA up. That's all. The SEC keeps Vanderbilt around to say "hey, look, not all of our schools (save my Gators, OBVI) admit people who can't walk upright and breathe through their nose." Vandy doesn't even have an athletic department. The same department that handles the rules for intramural Ultimate Frisbee handles home football games against Florida and Georgia. And yet, the Lambda Lambda Lambda football team is currently beating BC, and just stopped them on fourth down. Shameful. Pathetic. Sad.
6:02: I could pass better than Dominique Davis if I slept on my arms. I could jerk off better too.
6:20: Sorry if I haven't updated the game that much, but seriously, this shit is fucking painful. There have been three first downs in the entire second half. Davis is averaging 3.3 yards per pass. Vandy has six first downs. This game is the drizzling shits. My buddy Tim, my roomate, my girlfriend and I have spent most of the second half debating what the name of that popular gum was in the early '90s that had the liquid center. I say Bubbaloo, but they say I'm wrong.
6:28: GOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL! Touchdown BC! Dominique Davis first completed a 30-yard pass (one-third of his entire passing day at the time), and then a 55-yard TD pass to Colin Larmond Jr., who I'm shocked isn't white with that name. BC 14, Vandy 13, Strongbows 8.
6:32: Herzlich just fucked up another smaht kid. I consider him a credit to my race. Then he got called for a BULLSHIT roughing the passer penalty. The refs are discriminating him because his real name is Sandon, and cause he probably takes monkey steroids like Hawk from the Legion of Doom.
6:37: Vandy just tried to run the option on 3rd and 1, but their shit got pushed in like a dude in assless chaps at a gay bar. 45-yard field goal attempt is...Good. Lame. Vandy 16, BC 14, Strongbows 8 1/2. 3:26 left, and Dominique Davis in charge of driving the ball down the field. I'm not optimistic. I'm also drunk.
6:42: 3rd and 6, and Davis threw the ball ten feet above his running back's head on a simple screen pass. If there was a single play symbolic of this game, that would be it. Epic. Fail.
6:49: Vandy just got stood the fuck up on 3rd and 1. BC's gotta go at least 50-55 yards in two minutes to win this game. We've got a developing. Sit-u-ation.
6:50: Interception. FUCK. The bowl winning streak is over. My sobriety is over. Our innocence is over. Dominique Davis' tenure as a scholarship athlete is over. Let us relish what once was, not what currently is. Luckily, it's still New Year's Eve, and I've got three bottles of Andre waiting for me. Final score, Vandy 16, BC 14, Strongbows 9. Happy New Years, drink your sorrows away.