Tuesday, December 2, 2008

East to West, College Hoops Are Crazy

Yes, I know...it's not March yet. Not even close. So you're asking "Why, Smarty Barrett? Why should I care about college basketball?" Well, first of all, I think this season of college ball has gotten off to a crazy awesome start, way better than previous years when you see highlights of UCLA pummeling East Bumfuck State into oblivion. A few weeks or so in and we've already had some great matchups between some sure-fire postseason teams. Second, college hoops is a great way for college sports fans to take their mind off the coathanger abortion that is the BCS. Hell, even RPI makes more sense than the BCS. And third, and possibly most importantly, watching cheerleaders in short skirts and dance team chicks in skimpy outfits reminds us of college, and all the great times with the opposite sex. For me, it was ripping like 8 shots of tequila then fumbling away every chance I had with drunken awkwardness. Or making a pass at some guy's girlfriend and running from a fight. Or repeating "I'm going to pull out and blow it on her stomach" in my head over and over so many times that I didn't even realize I already came inside her like 5 minutes ago. You know, back when she was still awake. So without further ado, here are this week's installment of college hoops awards, sure to remind you of all the girls you know and love from the college days.

Girl From Your Journalism Class That Was So Fucking Smoking Hot That You Immediately Had To Go Home And Rub One Out At The Mere Thought Of Her
Step 1. Learn the roommate's class schedule. This was key if you ever wanted to, um..liquidate the inventory...with any sort of relaxation. It was always the best when you had a class with an absolutely smoking hot chick and you knew the room was yours for like an hour after the class. And I mean smoking hot, we're talking perfect tits, maybe the occasional visible thong...the works. This week's award is going to Oklahoma's Blake Griffin. Dude just played absolutely out-of-his-mind nasty this week. In two games, he dropped in 50 points and tore down 36 rebonds, including an insane 21 boards against Purdue, one of the better teams in the country. His play helped Oklahoma rocket from 11th on the country to 6th...faster than you'd rocket home from that class to clean out your hard drive.

That Girl Way Out Of Your League That You Banged One Night When You Spit Fantastic Game
So even the awkwardest of us have those nights where just everything is working. The hot girl at the party is enthralled with your stories about being 8th on the golf team's 10-man depth chart. She finds gluten-free diets sexy. You don't even stumble when asking for her number. Pretty soon you're alone in a room together and you still haven't managed to fuck up. Next thing you know you're throwing down with her and everything's still going great. She even gets off like four times before you even think about losing it. And not just "Oh, yes! Yes!" getting off, oh hell no. Your performance was epic. We're talking freeze-up teeth-chattering shit. You know you're going to have to ignore her phone calls from here on becuase there's no way you're ever going to top this. A night like that kind of reminds me of the week Syracuse had this week. Last Monday, must to GHABB,Y~!'s chagrin, they dropped Florida in a close battle. Then on the very next night, they topped Kansas, in Kansas in overtime. Jonny Flynn played exceptionally in both games, draining clutch threes and big free throws without breaking a sweat. Both games were tight contests but the Orange never let up, because when you're going for the best, you can't afford any slip-ups.

The Cock-Blocking Friend Of The Girl That You Want To Bang Who Always Drags Her Away When You're About To Get Some
Ah yes. Hot girl, fat friends. You know the drill. Fat, cock-blocking, stupid fucking friends. Every time you go in to make your movie, what happens? Suzie J. You'reNotGettingAny says "Oh, I have to get up early tomorrow," or "Let's dance to this song!" Cunt. She's always fucking up your game. And the only thing worse than fucked-up game is a fucked-up bracket, so beware of Louisville this year. Yes, yes, I know in my preview I told you they were awesome; on tap for a once-in-a-lifetime season, in fact. But look, this team got absolutely manhandled by Western Kentucky this week. Western Kentucky! Beware the Hilltoppers from the mighty Sun Belt conference! And it's not just that they got beat, because grit and determination, any-given-Sunday, blah blah blah, whatever. It is how they got beat. They got outscored 40-26 in the second half. They got out-rebounded 48-34 by a team that is decidedly smaller than them. And they flat-out got pushed around. I know it's early in the season, but it's not too early to start thinking about avoiding this team come March. Like the hot girl with the cock-block friends.

Dorky Girl With The Glasses That You Let Blow You When You Were Drunk And It Was Actually Really Awesome Head
Everyone loves surprises, right? Like when you think you're settling for a boring hookup, then next thing you know the chick is doing backflips on your junk and you're struggling to keep up with all the new positions she's teaching you? It's always the one you least suspect... Like Dayton this week. First, they somehow pull out a win when they shoot 0-24 from three-point range. Yes. You heard correct. Oh. For. Twenty-four. Give me a jersey, I guarantee I won't miss 24 straight threes. And I suck! Anyway, after they dropped Auburn with some less-than-sharp shooting, the Flyers beat up on Marquette the very next night, and they now sit at 6-0. So much for disappointment! Maybe next time I'll go for the dorky girl...


Rocco said...

I usually skip right over the college b-ball nonsense, cause who gives a fuck till March, but this was solid. I'm on board for all of those chicks. And now I have to search through my Playboy archives for all the "Girls of the..." issues.

The A-Train said...

Also great: when smokin' hot girl wore a v-neck during the dead of winter. Jesus tap-dancing christ was that a sight for sore eyes.

Most important question though: where does FMRA fit into the college girl matrix? I'm guessing "hot girl who always fought with her boyfriend every weekend but would never break up with him."

futuremrsrickankiel said...


That was painfully accurate, A-Train. Did we, like, go to school together?

The A-Train said...

Pttf. Your school wouldn't have even sent me an application if they saw my SAT scores.

No, I lived with that girls boyfriend sophomore year.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Also, I try really hard to avoid pettily sniping at other girls. But that broad on the cover of Playboy is one of the most aggressively-Photoshopped images I've ever seen. Anyone could look like that with airbrushing. I could fucking look like that.

That's all.

The A-Train said...

If men wanted to masturbate to normal looking women they wouldn't be buying porn in the first place.

I've been known to make some adjustments to pictures before I upload them to facebook. remove some wrinkles, adjust exposure, get rid of stains/spills, removing some stray hairs, that sort of stuff.