Monday, December 22, 2008

Dear Sir, Eat a Bag of Dicks: Snow

Dear Snow (not the Canadian rapper, whom I'm actually cool with),

I fucking hate you. I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns. You make millions of people miserable for months at a time, force us to stay in our homes and injure ourselves shoveling you, and encourage all of our grandparents to move to Florida. Did you hear that snow? You tear families apart, like divorce or marrying a Jew. So, snow, because of your awfulness, I would like to present you with an early Christmas present, in exchange for the weekend of Hell that you brought us residents of Massachusetts. A bag of dicks. In fact many bags of dicks. So many bags of icy, frozen dicks that you must shovel them multiple times a day, throwing out your back doing so, only to have more and more frozen dicks fall from the sky, creating an unending cycle of dick bag shoveling.

Oh, some may label you as "romantic" and sing shitty Bing Crosby songs about you, but the more informed members of the human race know simply how evil you are. You kill homeless people, the elderly, and stray animals with absolutely no remorse. You cause power outages that force us to play shitty board games indoors by candlelight and engage in "conversation" with our significant others, rather than me watching football in my chair and my girlfriend baking things in the kitchen. YOU MADE ME MISS FOOTBALL AND COMMUNICATE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND WHILE PLAYING SHITTY BOARD GAMES YOU UNFEELING ASSHOLE. I hope you're fucking happy, fucking dick-eater.

And don't fucking get me started on the havoc you wreak on our modes of transportation. For 10 months of the year, Al Gore and our collective conscious tell us to buy hybrids or compact cars that use less evil carbon monoxide and don't kill the environment. And then snow hits, and the only cars that can fucking navigate the road are the gas-guzzling SUVs and trucks that get three miles to the gallon. An epiphany came to me when I was chipping the two feet of ice off my compact, enviro-friendly car: if we don't kill the environment, the environment will surely kill us. You don't believe me? Try to drive anywhere in Massachusetts over the last three days. It was like trying to play ice hockey in ballet shoes. Snow, I hope you crash your car into a guardrail comprised of bags of dicks.

In fact, I'm trying to think of the people who actually don't hate the unending cycle of snow that entraps this region for the winter months, and they all seem to be frequent consumer of dicks. Chiropractors, for one, probably love this time of year, because everyone fucks up their backs while shoveling and then must see these fucking quacks who don't hold a medical degree, unless "most dicks eaten at the Sandals Resort limbo contest 2003" is a medical degree.

Guys Who Have Snowplows also profit heavily from our frozen horror, charging us ridiculous amounts of money for the privilege of them driving their trucks forward, then reverse, then forward, then reverse, leaving a ten-foot pile of snow, grass and broken pavement at the end of our driveways that doesn't melt until mid-July. Hey snowplow drivers, how 'bout you go forward and reverse on a bag of dicks, you fucking shysters.

Lastly, Shitty Local Weathermen get a major hard-on for this time of year, because it means lots of face time for them and their fancy Doppler radar system, which has a lower percentage of accuracy than Michael J. Fox with a hunting rifle. You can just see the hop in their step when they proclaim "6-12 inches overnight" to a terrified throng of viewers. Ironically, "6-12 inches overnight" represents the ass-pounding these Power Bottoms take when getting plugged with bags full of dicks on a nightly basis. Except Al Kaprelian. That guy is the balls.

In conclusion, fuck snow, fuck the winter, fuck the cold and fuck that guy in the Affliction shirt who charges you fifty bucks to plow your driveway three hours after you actually needed him to. Global warming can't come fast enough, nor can the Bag of Dicks that snow so rightly deserves to consume right about now.


Matt said...

Amen, brother.

SmartyBarrett said...

Licky boom boom down.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Can I extend a bag of dicks to all non winter sports people who love when it snows?

stanley cup of chowder said...

WOW! A Snow (Caucasian Canadian Reggae/Rapper sensation)reference AND and Al Kaprelian reference in the same post!


Grimey said...

We'll soon be there with snow (chickachick-chickachick-chickachick-chickachick)
I'll wash my hair with snow (chickachick-chickachick-chickachick-chickachick)
And with a spade of snow, I'll build a man that's MADE of snow

Oz said...

Man, those four years in Florida made you a giant wet pussy. We haven't even gotten as much as Seattle, for Christ's sake!