Friday, December 5, 2008

Dear Sir, Eat a Bag of Dicks: Alabama

Dear Alabama,

You probably can’t read this, so my hope is that this letter will be read to you by someone who has a greater mastery over the English language than the Alabama public school system provides. Over the last few months, your state has gained a semblance of notoriety due to the fact that your state university is currently ranked No. 1 in the land. I regret to inform you that, come this Saturday, those faint fleeting moments of non-misery will be replaced with another, more familiar feeling: that of being force-fed a bag of dicks.

You should not be unfamiliar with the process of dick-eating, both due to the backwards nature of your state and the sexual proclivities of your heroes. Famed coach Paul William “Bear” Bryant, whom you all adore, actually received his nickname due to the type of men he would often troll back alleys for, looking for a Fred Smerlas look-alike to deposit his love gunk all over his houndstooth cap, which he wore because of its ability to hide semen stains. In fact, Bryant’s original nickname was “Guy Who Blows Fat Hairy Dudes” Bryant, but the gay community coined the phrase “Bear” after the dick-eating hobbies of its beloved football coach. In fact, according to legend, the Bear would often adjust his houndstooth cap to signal to gay men in the stands that he was “loaded for Bear” and ready to matriculate the balls down his gullet.

That fine tradition of dick-eating coaches has continued since Man-blower Bryant. Mike DuBose reportedly ate bags of dicks by the dozen, and Fredo, uh, I mean Mike Shula would have bags of dicks sent to his home by his more-famous and competent father. In fact, the entire Mike Price “strippergate” fiasco was actually started by Price, the only Alabama coach never to lose a game (or win one), killing a hooker by stuffing a bag of dicks down her throat.

However, the greatest dick-eater in Alabama coaching history may be your current leader, Nick Satan, um, I mean Saban. Nick Saban makes Larry Brown look like Joe Paterno. He’s the type of guy who argues with McDonalds workers, trying to get a better deal than the Dollar Menu. The man would do literally anything for money, which is why the Senate plans to subpoena him on his involvement on the 9/11 terror attacks. Saban, known to whore himself out to the highest bidder, reportedly accepted a large contract from Osama bin Laden to “coach” the attacks of 9/11, telling the terrorist “I’ll do it, but only if you pay me more than the Dolphins.” To call Nick Saban pure evil would be an insult to evil itself, and I hope you, Alabama fans, can live with having the biggest whore in the history of sports coaching your football squad. And you know what whores like? Dicks. Bags of ‘em.

Oh, and fuck Saban as well for shutting down Not only does the man enjoy dicks, but he’s discriminating against all of us that enjoy looking at fine Southern tittays. Cock-guzzling terrorist baby-raping Nazi money-grubbing douche. I hope his next job pays him to suffer hundreds of paper cuts and then swim around in an Olympic sized-pool of AIDS blood.

Your team is not exempt from Alabama’s dick-eating ways either. Massive offensive tackle Andre Smith reportedly gained his size and girth by feasting on live Jewish babies, dicks and all. Running back Glen Coffee earned his last name after serving as a Columbian drug mule for most of his childhood, smuggling coffee beans in his rectum until the Columbians changed his name from “Theodore Rosencrantz” to “Glen Coffee.” Big fat DT Terrence Cody grew to 380lbs on a diet of dicks, dicks, and the occasional appetizer of balls. Quarterback John Parker Wilson was anally birthed by a transvestite hooker, who threw the newborn in a dumpster, causing a scar on his forehead that is now covered up by embarrassing-looking man-bangs. Also, Wilson’s high school was featured in that show “Two-A-Days,” which makes The Hills look like fucking Frasier. Suffice to say, Alabama players are well versed in the fine Alabama tradition of dick-eating.

This Saturday, Alabama’s bags of dicks will be served, unceremoniously, by the godlike creatures that don the Orange and Blue of Florida. Biblical historians have recently realized that the Bible was not actually written about Jesus Christ, but rather Tim Tebow, and a new book of the Bible based on Tebow, tentatively called “The Book of Running Through Linebackers and Throwing Shitloads of Touchdowns While Simultaneously Dating Chicks with Huge Knockers” is set for release early in 2009. Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt reportedly tried out for the Gator football team, but was deemed to have speed only befitting a defensive lineman, literally getting lapped by Jeff Demps, Percy Harvin and Chris Rainey in conditioning drills. Meanwhile, Gator stud linebacker Brandon Spikes has spent his week eating only raw meat and punching grizzly bears in the face in preparation for Saturday’s dick-serving, and has vowed to hit at least two Alabama players so hard that their hearts actually stop temporarily.

But it is not just those associated with the Alabama football program that will be served dicks this Saturday. A general dick-ocupia will be presented to your entire sorry state, which sadly will provide more nourishment than most of your state’s residents receive on a daily basis. Here’s a tip Alabamans: eating entire boxes of Little Debbie snacks while ordering the Breakfast Bowl at Sonic every morning might be why your life expectancy is somewhere around 30. It’s downright difficult to find morbidly obese four-year-olds whose parents make minimum wage, but you’ve found a way. A bag of dicks will, in many cases, be the healthiest thing to ever enter your mouths. Oh, and I hate to break it to you, but the South got their asses handed to them in the “War of Northern Aggression.” Despite your best efforts, black people are not only free, but most of them also make more money than the $7.50 an hour you pull in as a Wal-Mart greeter.

So in conclusion, Alabama, I would like to apologize. I’m sorry that your team has to put numbers on their helmets because the fans haven’t mastered “letters” yet. I’m sorry that Auburn beat you five out of the last six years, and yet still fired their coach because he sucked so much. I’m sorry that McCain got smoked in the election, and even sorrier that your first choice, David Duke, didn’t run. I’m sorry that Katrina didn’t wipe out your entire state. I’m sorry that your uncle raped you as a kid, an I’m even sorrier that you liked it so much that you’ve spent the last few years going back for more. I’m sorry that your state’s football heroes are sodomites, drug mules and hooker killers, especially in a state with such strong conservative Christian values. But most of all, I’m sorry for what Florida’s going to do to your beloved Tide this Saturday: Serve them a big ol’ bag of dicks. Gator style.


Pepster said...

So, who do you think is going to win tomorrow?

Not to specifically advertise (I just happen to think its topical), I just wrote about my two trips to Florida Field this year over at WeMakeItRain. As a Florida alum, do you think it is accurate?

GHABB,Y~! said...

I predict Gators 645, Tide 3. And if all goes well, I'll be drunk liveblogging the game tomorrow.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

It's Bag of Dicks Friday!

The A-Train said...

Is Chris Cooley writing a column too!?

Pepster said...

Isn't this just your favorite day FMRA?

Shaun said...

I think Florida wins that game by at least 20.

nfsffw said...

I nominate Alabama vs Virginia Tech for the Cialagra Trojan Extend Big Bowl of Dicks Bowl at the Meadowlands on Christmas Eve.

Anonymous said...

Although it is shocking, people from Alabama can read. In fact, I am one of them! Often, people from Alabama (at least my county) can produce much more convincing arguments than you did in your post without all the vulgar language and ad hominem diction. I apologize for any rabid Alabama fan you may have encountered, but what can we say? They exist in all 50 states (well, at least the lower 48).

P.S. Promise me you won't cry when we destroy Florida next Saturday, okay?

Anonymous said...

I appreciate the concern, really, but your above entry is not an accurate depiction of me. Send your state (which I'm sure is wayyy above me on the classy scale) a big hello for me, will ya?

Yours truly,

P.S. Eff you!

Anonymous said...

RMFT You boston fuckwads