Thursday, December 18, 2008

Celtics This Week


1998 Myspace Mood of the Week: crushing: OMG, I spent all of Algebra class writing “Mrs. Danny Hamilton” like a MILLION timezzz.


I have officially reached an amorous point with these Celtics. The winning streak is at 16, the record is at 24-2, and the heart is aflutter. I spend my afternoons daydreaming about them, wondering if they’re thinking of me when they’re winning, how many times per day I can call without being considered creepy, and if they received the flowers I anonymously sent to their house. New Orleans, Utah and Atlanta, all wildly athletic, elite teams, threw their absolute best efforts at the Celtics this week, and mis amors responded by heroically staving them off, simultaneously rescuing the damsel in distress that is my heart.


The C’s, having fought through one of the toughest parts of their schedule, now have three favorable games (home against Chicago, New York and Philly) before the Christmas Epic Battel against the Lakers, in which I predict a slaughter similar to Game 6 of last year’s finals. All I want for Christmas is for Kobe to have his spirit broken like a child being told they’re adopted by a department store Santa. Grant me that wish, my loves. Grant me that Christmas wish. No homo, obvs.


Charlie Brown Christmas MVP of the Week – In the Big Three of Christmas Specials, Charlie Brown is the Larry Bird to the Kevin McHale and Robert Parish that are the Grinch and Rudolph. Like Bird, the Peanuts Christmas delivers clutch moment after clutch moment, its accomplishments standing the test of time. To further the analogy, McHale is the Grinch, physically frightening but still quite productive, and Rudolph is Parish, better when on a shitload of weed. In an unrelated story, if you don’t own the Charlie Brown Christmas album, then you deserve to die a lonely death.


This week’s Charlie Brown Christmas MVP is the Emerging Force of Nature That Is Rajon Rondo, who took the opportunity of Monday’s game against the Jazz to act out the lyrics to every Iron Maiden song, ever - lots of battles and slaying fighting against death while twenty-foot Eddies rise above the stage accompanied by wailing guitars. Rondo had 25 points, nine rebounds, eight assists, three steals and one prison humbling of Deron Williams, who then handed over his spot in the “top five PGs in the league” to Rondo while sewing up the gaping wound in his ass. The Non-Caucasian Three have now become the Fucking Fantastic Four, as Rondo has been a big a part of this winning streak as Pierce, Allen or Garnett. He has also, as I mentioned earlier in the week, matured like Topanga’s boobies.

Frosty the Snowman LVP of the Week – Frosty the Snowman is the worst fucking Christmas special there is, aside from maybe the Smurfs Christmas, which gave me nightmares for years. You mean to tell me that kids can just magically create a talking snowman with a fucking hat? Bullshit. And then the same acid-dropping kids spend the rest of the episode worrying about their newly-created friend dying from global warming and greenhouse gases and shit. Yeah, that’s what I want to think about on Christmas: imaginary friends dying due to our lack of participation in the Kyoto Protocol. Oh, and the central plot also somehow revolves around pointsettas, which I spent countless Decembers trying to keep my cat away from so she wouldn’t fucking eat it and die. So yeah, thanks for trying to kill my childhood pet too, you melting asshole. And don’t even get me started on “Frosty Returns,” that abysmal piece of shit.



Anyways, as it has been the last few weeks, it’s quite difficult to find an LVP on a team that’s winning more than mid-80s Hulk Hogan. But, if I have to choose one, I guess it’ll be Big Baby Davis. Hey fatty, you’re our backup center. You play double-digit minutes per game, and spell the oft-injured Kendrick Perkins. We can’t have you shooting 36% from the field and grabbing less than three rebounds per game, especially when your game consists of plopping your sizable ass in the low post and staying there for considerable periods of time. Do your fucking job, or we’ll be forced to play the black guy with the Irish name.


Kris Clack “Who the Hell is That Guy” of the Week – A relatively nondescript tall white dude on the Hornets somehow grabbed six rebounds in nine minutes against the C’s on Friday, so I decided to look up exactly who this Sean Marks dude was. I vaguely recognized the name from his days at Cal, but forgot one hugely important fact: Sean Marks is from New Zealand. This excites me to no end, as he obviously therefore sings songs about Rhymenocerouses and Hiphopapotamouses like everyone else from New Zealand that I know of. That, or something to do with Lord of the Rings. Also, their national basketball team is referred to as the “Tall Blacks,” which shows that New Zealanders have a fantastic sense of humor.


Pete Maravich “Dude I Loved This Week” Chris Paul’s game is so beautiful that it makes me want to cry in happiness. I bought the NBA League Pass in large part so I could watch Hornets games. Anyone who has ever or will ever play point guard should watch Chris Paul play basketball for hours on end, until they fully understand what the position entails. He always seems to make the perfect pass, take the perfect shot, grab a steal at the perfect time, and just generally do everything so completely right on a basketball court that you’d think he had a hand in inventing the game. Only Pete Maravich, Larry, Magic Johnson and sometimes Michael Jordan had that same effect on me when I watched them, that feeling of being truly moved by the sheer artistry on the court. I’m not much of a connoisseur of fine art or classical music or many of the more “refined” things in life, but watching Chris Paul, to me, is the highest form of art there is.

Charles Smith “Dude I Hated This Week” – The Jazz are a really good team. They’re deep, they’re talented, and they can attack you in a number of ways. Which is why it is all the more inexplicable that C.J. Miles has started every game for them and averages 21.2 minutes per contest. He doesn’t do anything particularly well on offense or defense, he’s stealing minutes from the uber-talented Andrei Kirilenko. Miles was drafted out of high school by the Jazz, and soon had coach Jerry Sloan say the following about him: "I don't care if he's 19 or 30. If he's going to be on the floor in the NBA, he's got to be able to step up and get after it. We can't put diapers on him one night, and a jockstrap the next night. It's just the way it is.” Way to go, Diaper Guy. You suck.

3 comments:

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Needs more Gabe Pruitt props. My god he is on the brink of becoming awesome.

Anonymous said...

I was in New Orleans last year and went to the Hornets game. It was against the Bulls, and that CP3 is an awesome person to watch. Phenom.
Boatdrinks

nfsffw said...

More man love here for Chris Paul, he is truly a treat to watch.