Friday, December 12, 2008

Celtics This Week


1998 Myspace Mood of the Week “You Make Me Wanna La La” like when that super hotteeee Tyler asked me to the Freshman semi and my parents let me stay out till 11 that night.

Myspace Icons

The Celtics won all four of their games this week, have won 13 in a row, and sit at 21-2, laying more pipe on the league than Lexington Steele. This week, they blew out teams they were expected to beat (Indiana and Washington at home), smoked an up-and-coming Western squad (Portland) and pulled out a close win on the road at Indiana in OT. They won with offense, they won with defense, and they won with clutch shooting. If they make it through this week’s relatively tough New Orleans-Utah-Atlanta stretch, there’s a distinct possibility that the C’s will be 27-2 heading into the epic Christmas Day clash against the Lakers, who could be 25-3 at that point. If those two scenarios play out, Lakers/C’s could be the best thing to happen to Christmas since Teddy Ruxpin.

Chris Jericho MVP of the Week – It’s been a pretty lackluster year for the four of us nationwide who still watch wrestling, marked by a decided lack of consistent stars throughout the annum. John Cena and Edge spent much of the year out with injuries, Triple H and the Undertaker bored people to death, everyone in TNA was positively awful, and even Ring of Honor had a subpar year by its standards. But this year, if it’s to be remembered by anything in wrestling (as opposed to “That year When Benoit Killed His Wife and Kid” or “That Year when A Bald Jewish Guy Was the Most Popular Wrestler in the World”) will be remembered by the emergence of Chris Jericho, one-time mid-carder, to verifiable main-eventer. His heel turn was conducted masterfully, his promos were money every week, and his in-ring work, while nowhere near his Lion Heart days of yore, was still solid. So in a year of general suckitude, consider me a Jericholic.

Anyways, this week’s Celtics MVP of the week is the smoother-than-a-Metamucil-deuce Ray Allen, who led the C’s in scoring in each game this week. This was a hard decision – after all, Rajon Rondo did fuck around and get a triple-double this week – but Allen was more consistent and his jump shot caused a consistent river of panty-flooding this week, as opposed to the one screaming, shaking orgasm of Rondo’s triple-double on Wednesday. In my old age, I appreciate consistency over angina-inducing bursts of excitement, which perturb the diabeetus. Allen’s been that model of consistency, averaging 25.6, shooting 58% from the field and 52% from behind the three-point line in his last five.


My Digestive System LVP of the Week – Don’t know how many of you have caught the most recent Illness of Death going around these here parts, but it has reigned its fury and anger over me since Monday, unable and unwilling to let go. My Monday and Tuesday was spent shitting the Nile roughly ever 15 minutes, and only with the help of four Immodium did my Colorado River finally have a Hoover Dam. Unfortunately, the last two days I have faced the opposite problem, with the few meals I’ve eaten (like four bowls of soup in the last four days) churning like a centrifuge in my stomach, threatening to either go up or down, but actually doing neither. Not good times kids, not good times at all.

The Celtics, thankfully, have been more productive and have not made me pine for death like my digestive system this week, so it’s actually quite hard to anoint an LVP for a team that has won 13 straight games. However, if I have to give one out, I guess it’ll have to be to Tony Allen for done getting himself hurt and missing two games this week. Hey Tony – while our Non-Caucasian Three is awesome and great and possesses penises much larger than 99% of the population, they are quite aged and require occasional bouts of rest. By you, the C’s sixth man, spraining your ankle and missing two games, that rest is therefore denied, causing sadness throughout the land. Much like a shitty therapist might tell a 14-year-old fat girl, “stop hurting yourself, it’s ruining my buzz.”


John Bagley “Who The Hell is That Guy” Award – If you watched the Celts-Blazers game on Friday, you may have noticed that some skinny dude with a weird name and a wide receiver’s number was starting for the Blazers. That skinny #88 was Nicolas Batum, a rookie from France, who, unlike his nation of crepe-eating surrendermonkeys, has worked his way into the Portland starting lineup. Clearly, Portland was dead-set on running the fantasy prospects of Rudy Fernandez by doing so, knowing that I had drafted him to all of my fantasy teams. Assholes. Anyways, Batum’s best asset is apparently his defense, as his Somalian-esque muscle tone has caused him to score only 4.9 points per game this year.


Shammond Williams Guy I Inexplicably Loved This Week – Though I never liked him at Notre Dame, Troy Murphy has started to grow on me throughout his pro career. He is asked to do two things for the Pacers – score and rebound, and he performs those two actions much better than anyone that goofy looking has any right to. Murphy put up an impressive 20-20 against the Raptors on Wednesday night, and grabbed double-digit rebounds in ten straight games earlier this year. He’s by no means an All-Star, but he at least stays healthy, gives you production, and isn’t Jermaine O’Neal.


Fat Lever Guy I Inexplicably Hated This Week – How in HELL is DeShawn Stevenson a starter in the NBA? It’s not just his zero point, 0-4 night against the Celtics last night either, it’s an entire career of consistent uselessness that has drawn me to this conclusion. The guy wants to do only one thing on the basketball court – shoot – and he’s extremely bad at that one skill. He doesn’t rebound (2.4 career average), he doesn’t pass (less than 2 assists per game), he turns the ball over and he can’t make free throws. No, Stevenson fashions himself as a shooter, something he similarly sucks at. He’s shooting 31% from the field this year. Thirty-one. If you went down to your local fourth-grade girls CYO game, each player on that court could shoot better than 31% from the field. Last year he wasn’t much better either, shooting 39%. Yet, this man has started all but one game over the last four years.

DeShawn, (dumb name by the way) I don’t care if your boombox and sunglasses are Fresh Priince-ariffic, you suck and shouldn’t be playing basketball. In fact, watching you play basketball reminds me of the opening credits of the Fresh Prince where he gets beat up on the basketball court, except in this case, the things kicking your ass are “ability” and “talent” and “willingness to realize other people are on your team.” You suck. Now hand over that boombox.

No comments: