Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Breakfast With the Hysterics


*No Boston teams played last night, meaning that most of you probably spent the evening trying to finish up/start your Holiday shopping, only to realize that every other person within a 25 mile radius of you had the same idea. You know how I know this? Because I live within walking distance of two large malls. And As someone who lives perilously close to two large shopping centers, I'd just like to say thanks a shitload for making it goddamned impossible to even drive down my street the last month or so. Seriously, I hate all of you. If you assholes shopped online a month ago like normal people, then none of us would be having this problem and it wouldn't take me 45 minutes to drive the five goddamned miles to my kickboxing class. I hope Santa Claus gives the late-shopping residents of the North Shore a big pile of assrape this year, while using ground-up Oreo cookies as lube.

*The Pro Bowl rosters were announced yesterday. The big story is "OMGZZ THE MANNING BRUTHERZ ARE PROBOWLERZZ HORAYYY," but, as in every year, the actual Pro Bowl will be played by the fourth or fifth alternates after everyone actually named to the team decides "actually, I'd rather have a week with my family and time to rest my beaten and broken down body rather than having to endure a meaningless postseason exhibition game where I'll be forced to wear a uniform with flowers on it." Also, nice to see that the team with the most Pro Bowlers was not the 12-2 Titans or the 11-3 Giants, Steelers or Panthers, but the motherfucking 9-5 Jets. D-U-M-B Jets Jets Jets! Absolutely retarded, and just another example of the vast New York liberal media conspiracy, orchestrated by the seven Jew bankers who live in the earth's core and control the world's money supply.

*For those of you that may question the sanity/loserdom that my 20 years of wrestling fandom has wrought, I would like to cite this morning as the first (and hopefully only) time where being a wrestling fan literally may have saved my life. As those in the Greater Boston area grumpily realized when they woke up, an inch of icy, wet, slippery snow befell the region last night and into this morning. This is by far my least favorite kind of snow, as it's not enough to get work/school/events cancelled, but just enough to make things like driving and walking dangerous as hell. Sure enough, I stepped out of my apartment onto my brick steps this morning, only to feel my feet give way and the cruel mistress of gravity send me hurtling towards the deadly brick stairs. However, rather than land awkwardly and crack my head open, my wrestling-loving instinct kicked in, and the years of watching Ricky Steamboat take bumps off of Ric Flair chops forced me to land as flat as possible on my ass while flinging my arms outward, spreading out the weight distribution and ensuring a safe and injury-free landing. Not even a bruise, which, for a 260 pound goofy-ass man, is a goddamned miracle. Without Ricky Steamboat, I may not be here this morning. Thank you, Ricky the Dragon, and thank you wrestling.

So I ask you, dear Mass Hysteria readers, have you ever encountered a situation where your dorkiest tendencies may have actually saved your life?

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Over / under on the Life Vs. Ghabby conquest = 35, take the under.

Raquel said...

Blogging has yet to save my life.

Starting Aces said...

I'll keep the prone fall in mind whenever I approach the 40 foot ice-covered decline that will inevitably form by my apartment every day.

GHABB,Y~! said...

Raquel,
I disagree, the few nights you've spent inside blogging may have otherwise been spent catching SuperAIDS at a bar from some Northeastern freshman who got in your pants by lying and telling you he was on the hockey team, so therefore, blogging HAS in fact saved your life.

Raquel said...

Pshh like I'd sleep with a Northeastern hockey player.

Now BU, on the other hand...

oh who the fuck am I kidding, you're right.

Rocco said...

If you consider hockey dorky, then yeah, my stellar balance has kept me on my feet a few times on that tricky black ice.

Rocco said...

By the way, you Boston-only loving 'tards missed a sweat goal by Ovie in OT last night.

Raquel said...

I didn't miss anything, as I a) could give a shit about the Islanders and b) was busy hating Versus for showing that game so that I missed watching Montreal cough one up to the WhalerCanes. FUCKING NHL.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

If I read another facebook status that says "I LOVE SNOW!!!!!" or "ITS SO PRETTY OUT", I'm going to take an icicle and jam it through that person's eye.

Anonymous said...

After driving two hours at 45 mph, I will personally help you HMLS. The level of fucks out of my mouth increased exponentially the last five miles.
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