Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Breakfast with the Hysterics

Holy crap I can't believe its the holiday season already. Time to shell out extra money for that person you love, whether it be an Ipod Touch for a girlfriend, a GPS for your hooker, or a bottle of Jack Daniels for your father. Now let it be known, I ripped on Christmas music earlier, and it its true I fucking loath 99% of it. But I also do enjoy this time of year, call it lame, nostalgic, or whatever, I just really look forward to it. One of the most fascinating parts of Christmas is getting your family together for holiday parties. Every year my family throws a big gathering at my house, that involves both sides of the family (usually), and it seems every one I know is in attendance. I can't even describe what the party is like, its a mix of misery and jubilation. How my house doesn't spontanoeusly implode into a vortex is beyond me. Here are some of the characteristics of some of my family members, names will not be included just in case any of them know how to use the internets. Many of them still don't own cell phones, so I don't think this will be much of an issue.

Uncle: Can't handle his booze, usually within an hour of the party he already has at least three buttons removed on his collared shirt. Loves to bring shitty alcohol to the family gathering then drink all the good stuff (He was known to bring Kappy's beer for the longest time). Loud, boisterous, and overlyfriendly. Know for his inappropriate hugging of this writers fiance.

Brother: Your partner in crime, the only other person at the party even close to your age. Even though you don't smoke, you share cigarette breaks with him to get the hell away from the chaos inside. He could probably list about 30 places he would rather be then at this party. Usually works as a good deflection when you get tired of hearing "How is work" and "When are you getting married?"

Set of Grandparents: Live up in Maine to avoid the "coloreds", and fear anyone that is different then them. Take religiosity to a whole new level. Talk constantly about how much they have prayed for you, and all the teenage mothers they have "saved". Grandfather traps and hunts animals, which at his age the only thing he has caught is squirrels in his bird feeder. Talks about this at the dinner table. Will talk to they are blue in the face about farming tools you've never heard/care about.

Another Aunt and Uncle
: Hip, with kids.Live two towns over but miss every single family event. Not sure if they are still alive.

Great Aunts and Uncles- Not even sure they remember who I am, call me either my brothers name if I'm lucky, or my fathers name if they are particularly senile. Usually pretty interesting to talk to, but their decline in hearing makes it almost impossible to talk to. Usually dish out large checks every year to you, even though you haven't talked to them since last Christmas.

Mother- Your poor mom spends the entire time locked away in the kitchen cooking, doing dishes, and attending to your every needs while you do shit. Basically if she wasn't there the party would degrade into every party your friends have ever thrown.

Father: Helps when asked, invisible when not. Usually plops his ass down in his recliner and observes the party passively. Only time when he really gets in engaged is when he decides to talk to you about sports. Loves everything Boston (where I got my passion about sports from). Says he hates Christmas but every year he is the one getting on the ladder to put up the lights, and dresses my dog with reindeer antlers. My dog as you can see, fucking hates it.

Question for the masses: Any of my family remind you of anyone you know?


futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ooh ooh! Let's not forget "Irish relatives who make awkward comments about the other half of your family being Hispanic." Wouldn't be complete without that.

Anonymous said...

Uncle with boisterous laugh as a child = drunk uncle when you figure it out.
Best story: one year my sister's graduation party in spring, my sunglasses disappeared. Late 80's they were distinctive with black plastic frames and BLUE lens reflecting back at you. I swore my Grandmother took them as I set them down before party where she sat all day. (She was known to pilfer the odd coffee can at the market).
Mom pissed, "don't accuse your Grandmother". Grandmother comes walking in at Christmas after cataract surgery with MY SUNGLASSES perched on her face. HA! I am not the evil one here.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I thought you promised to not use that picture of me in my Santa suit, dammit.

Rocco said...

Fuck and no. God, the worst was when I used to have to split time between a girlfriend's/fiance's/wife's family and mine. Lame in-laws blow. My family rocks. It's just my parents and me, and my sister and whatever douche she happens to be dating.

GHABB,Y~! said...

The expression on your dog's face is something along the lines of "I wish I had opposable thumbs so I could write my suicide note right now."

Anonymous said...

I am a little startled by his eyes, I have to admit.