Oh, Sean Avery. What WILL you get up to next?
While we lovers of the black-and-gold were enjoying a blissful 4-day rest at the top of our conference, everyone's favorite NHL bad boy was busy mouthing off to the Calgary press. Following the Stars' morning skate, Avery walked over to reporters, made sure there was a camera on, and then delivered the following jab at Calgary's Dion Phaneuf:
"I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight."
The comment, natch, is in reference to vapid blonde wet dream Elisha Cuthbert, who dated Avery only to move on to favored Milan Lucic target Mike Komisarek and, more recently, Phaneuf. Which is straight-up hilarious. Sean Avery's not the kind of guy to, um, let things slide, and it's totally in keeping with his character that he'd go out of his way to try and nail Phaneuf (huge bitch) and his ex (dumb and faintly pig-faced sex doll) prior to a game. We laugh, we love, we learn. So it goes.
Or so it doesn't go, according to Herr Bettman and his NHL knights in shining armor, who have apparently swooped in to defend the honor of a lady who's both taken her clothes off for Maxim AND starred in a movie with Paris Hilton. As of yesterday (just hours before the Flames/Stars game, in fact), the NHL has indefinitely -- yes, indefinitely -- suspended Avery for his remarks, citing "inappropriate public comments." This was done with the full support of Dallas owner Tom Hicks, who insisted that, "Had the league not have suspended him, the Dallas Stars would have. This organization will not tolerate such behavior, especially from a member of our hockey team. We hold our team to a higher standard [REALLY ARE YOU SHITTING ME YOU SIGNED BOTH SEAN AVERY AND STEVE OTT WHAT THE FUCK HIGHER STANDARD COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE INVOKING -- Ed.] and will continue to do so."
This is the biggest fucking joke I've ever heard in my life. First of all: if you sleep with half the NHL, people are going to talk about it. Don't get me wrong, now. I'd absolutely let the entire Blue Jackets team run trains on me from now until Christmas if that were an option. (I bet "The Polar Express" just took on a whole new meaning for you, eh?) But I certainly wouldn't expect my reputation to go untarnished. Frankly, I think "sloppy seconds" is a pretty mild term (and is surely a diluted version of how Avery refers to his ex when he's not in front of the cameras). Hell, I've been called worse by my own co-editors on this very site. All in all, the comment was relatively innocuous and not all that surprising.
What's really important, though, is that this shit is NONE OF THE NHL'S FUCKING BUSINESS. Seriously. Look, no one's going to put Sean Avery up on a pedestal here... he's a one-man Hanson Brothers impersonation with little to no respect for the sanctity of the game or his fellow players. I've come clean about my secret adoration of Sean Avery in the past, but I'm certainly not going to contest the fact that he's a player whose career has been defined by his on-ice antics rather than his play. (Come on, admit it: you laughed when he called Marty Brodeur "fatso" in a post-game interview.) What sucks about this story is that it's clearly just an example of the NHL gratuitously and arbitrarily disciplining a player that it's disapproved of for some time. This is a wholly unnecessary exercise of power concerning something that doesn't have anything to do with hockey or the league as a whole. Seriously, STEVE MOTHERFUCKING OTT still gets to foul up the ice with his cheap (and potentially career-ending) shots and pansy-ass fight-dodging while Martin Havlat gets to run around kicking people like a pissed-off toddler in the candy aisle at a grocery store... and Avery's suspended INDEFINITELY for calling his ex a silly ho? PLEASE, Gary Bettman. I'm aware your head is already as far up your ass as it can possibly go, but perhaps, even from the cavernous and pungent depths of your own puckered anus, you can still hear the tiny yet insistent voice of reason. This suspension is bullshit. Leave well enough alone, and get back to your busy daily routine of figuring out how to make hockey even more marginalized in the mainstream sports media than it already is.
Sean Avery, I salute you for your candor. May the torch of your unwavering assholery in the face of all that is innocent and unaware burn forever bright. Have a Christmas donut on me.