Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Breakfast with the Hysterics: Who the F--k Got Gary Bettman in my Oatmeal?

Oh, Sean Avery. What WILL you get up to next?

While we lovers of the black-and-gold were enjoying a blissful 4-day rest at the top of our conference, everyone's favorite NHL bad boy was busy mouthing off to the Calgary press. Following the Stars' morning skate, Avery walked over to reporters, made sure there was a camera on, and then delivered the following jab at Calgary's Dion Phaneuf:

"I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight."

The comment, natch, is in reference to vapid blonde wet dream Elisha Cuthbert, who dated Avery only to move on to favored Milan Lucic target Mike Komisarek and, more recently, Phaneuf. Which is straight-up hilarious. Sean Avery's not the kind of guy to, um, let things slide, and it's totally in keeping with his character that he'd go out of his way to try and nail Phaneuf (huge bitch) and his ex (dumb and faintly pig-faced sex doll) prior to a game. We laugh, we love, we learn. So it goes.

Or so it doesn't go, according to Herr Bettman and his NHL knights in shining armor, who have apparently swooped in to defend the honor of a lady who's both taken her clothes off for Maxim AND starred in a movie with Paris Hilton. As of yesterday (just hours before the Flames/Stars game, in fact), the NHL has indefinitely -- yes, indefinitely -- suspended Avery for his remarks, citing "inappropriate public comments." This was done with the full support of Dallas owner Tom Hicks, who insisted that, "Had the league not have suspended him, the Dallas Stars would have. This organization will not tolerate such behavior, especially from a member of our hockey team. We hold our team to a higher standard [REALLY ARE YOU SHITTING ME YOU SIGNED BOTH SEAN AVERY AND STEVE OTT WHAT THE FUCK HIGHER STANDARD COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE INVOKING -- Ed.] and will continue to do so."

This is the biggest fucking joke I've ever heard in my life. First of all: if you sleep with half the NHL, people are going to talk about it. Don't get me wrong, now. I'd absolutely let the entire Blue Jackets team run trains on me from now until Christmas if that were an option. (I bet "The Polar Express" just took on a whole new meaning for you, eh?) But I certainly wouldn't expect my reputation to go untarnished. Frankly, I think "sloppy seconds" is a pretty mild term (and is surely a diluted version of how Avery refers to his ex when he's not in front of the cameras). Hell, I've been called worse by my own co-editors on this very site. All in all, the comment was relatively innocuous and not all that surprising.

What's really important, though, is that this shit is NONE OF THE NHL'S FUCKING BUSINESS. Seriously. Look, no one's going to put Sean Avery up on a pedestal here... he's a one-man Hanson Brothers impersonation with little to no respect for the sanctity of the game or his fellow players. I've come clean about my secret adoration of Sean Avery in the past, but I'm certainly not going to contest the fact that he's a player whose career has been defined by his on-ice antics rather than his play. (Come on, admit it: you laughed when he called Marty Brodeur "fatso" in a post-game interview.) What sucks about this story is that it's clearly just an example of the NHL gratuitously and arbitrarily disciplining a player that it's disapproved of for some time. This is a wholly unnecessary exercise of power concerning something that doesn't have anything to do with hockey or the league as a whole. Seriously, STEVE MOTHERFUCKING OTT still gets to foul up the ice with his cheap (and potentially career-ending) shots and pansy-ass fight-dodging while Martin Havlat gets to run around kicking people like a pissed-off toddler in the candy aisle at a grocery store... and Avery's suspended INDEFINITELY for calling his ex a silly ho? PLEASE, Gary Bettman. I'm aware your head is already as far up your ass as it can possibly go, but perhaps, even from the cavernous and pungent depths of your own puckered anus, you can still hear the tiny yet insistent voice of reason. This suspension is bullshit. Leave well enough alone, and get back to your busy daily routine of figuring out how to make hockey even more marginalized in the mainstream sports media than it already is.

Sean Avery, I salute you for your candor. May the torch of your unwavering assholery in the face of all that is innocent and unaware burn forever bright. Have a Christmas donut on me.


Grimey said...

Looks like Sean Avery got my sloppy seconds. (I stuck that puck up my ass.)

GHABB,Y~! said...

Elisha's not vapid, she's terribly smart. Still, I'd probably let her shit on my chest if she asked.

The A-Train said...

I think the NHL is having a "Why not us?" moment with the shennanigans in the NFL (Plaxico, Pierce, and Pacman) and wanted to sit at the big kids table for once.

As for 'sloppy seconds': Linda Cohn cautioned viewers about the offensive nature of the clip this morning on SportsCenter before they aired the clip. Come on Linda, you went on a date with AJ 'Smokey Tornado' Daulerio and you're getting squeamish about sloppy seconds.

Hell, I've been called worse by my own co-editors on this very site.

or section 304 of Gillette stadium. Though I'm sure they meant it in a nice way.

Brandon said...

At least we know where the NHL stands on goonish thuggery. Cross checking a guy's face into the boards = completely fine (Claude Lemiuex, I still hate you). Calling your ex-gf a whore = crossing some imaginary line of decency. I'll guess that cross checking your slut ex-gf face first into the boards would create quite a quandry for the league.

Anonymous said...

Ooohh. DONUTS!
Ahem. Back to the subject...clearly sidetracked for a minute.
Gary Bettman clearly continues in his desire to be known as the biggest tool ever, but gets so little coverage of his league he has to really work hard just to get his toolness noticed.
Sean Avery would not have been invited to my Mom's house. But really, not many athlete's would.

Rocco said...

He's definitely a cock knocker, but that was funny.

stanley cup of chowder said...

The NHL needs story lines like this. It's hard to get people excited about a meaningless game in early Decemeber, especially one that involves a team that is the worst in the Western Conference. Say what you want about Avery, but at least he makes things interesting.

I wonder how much Avery pays these celeb puck sluts to date him to dispell the rumors that he is gay?

"I'd absolutely let the entire Blue Jackets team run trains on me from now until Christmas" Really the Columbus Blue Jackets? Way to reach for the stars FMRA.

HabsFan29 said...

I, too, am distracted buy the delicious donuts. Do we think there is cream or custard inside those stars?

PLEASE, Gary Bettman. I'm aware your head is already as far up your ass as it can possibly go

I disagree. There's a good 3 to 4 feet left to go

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I just pray I never again have cause to use the "Gary Bettman's anus" tag again... although the likelihood is that I will. Sigh.

Oh, and hate all you want, Evan... Steve "TWO SHUTOUTS ALREADY MOTHERFUCKERS" Mason, Derick "I'm Too Good For This Shit" Brassard," Jared "My Herpes Has Herpes" Boll, and Rick "Please Trade Me To The Leafs" Nash would make for some mighty fine train-running.

Rocco said...

More appropriate would be a Habs train. To balance the Bruins homerism, Red Sox/Evan Longoria style.

Better be custard.

And you can expect plenty of use for the Bettman's anus tag.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Gross I'd never sleep with one of the Canadiens.

Ok, MAYBE I'd hate-fuck Carey Price. Emphasis on the hate.