Friends, Romans, countrymen... It is with great sadness that I formally announce my withdrawal from the pursuit of free agent first baseman Mark Teixeria, formerly of the
I believe that I made a fair and reasonable offer to Teixeria and his agent, Scott Boras; however, I believe that my offer is insufficient and that I will not be a factor in his decision. [Ed. Note: According to Mass Hysteria sources, the offer is believed to have been 8 years of cheering at no less than $40 per season of merchandise purchase, in exchange for no fewer than 200 HR and 800 RBI.] As such, I believe it is in my best interests to pursue other options, such as convincing myself that Julio Lugo will make a valuable contribution to the team in 2009, trying to talk myself into the idea that J.D. Drew will definitely be healthy for at least 140 games, because he's due, and writing poorly-composed letters to the front office demanding the return of Derek Lowe and Willy Mo Pena.
I wish Mr. Teixeria the best of luck with his future team, which I'm sure will be the goddamned Yankees.