Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Your OFFICIAL Red Sox Trade Rumor Report!

'Tis the season. Time to build a fire in the fireplace, stock up on post-Halloween markdown candy, rake leaves out from under the car on cinderblocks on your lawn, buy shitty candles and wrapping paper you'll inevitably forget you bought until December 26th from your co-workers' kids, and speculate wildly on your favorite baseball team's trade intentions. Thankfully, the Internet is always a reliable source for sure-fire news and predictions that will definitely come true.

Already, the whiteyfication of the Red Sox looks to be continuing, as a deal that would send Coco Crisp to the Padres for Khalil Greene has already been zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Seriously, Internet? Khalil Greene for Coco Crisp? That's the best you can do? That's the most boring trade I've ever heard. If I were the commissioner of a fantasy league in which that trade was made, I'd yell at the GMs for wasting valuable pixels on something of such piffling importance. Where's the Hot Young Pitcher for Powerhouse Outfielder? The Aging Superstar Slugger for Up-And-Coming Baserunning Whiz Kid? The Our Entire Farm System for Tubby Fan Favorite Making Triumphant Return? WHERE IS MY JOHAN SANTANA, INTERNET?!

Fortunately for you, I've been using my Mass Hysteria press credentials to keep a close eye on the REAL inside scoop this off-season: the trades so hot, even the Drudge Report won't touch 'em. Behold!

* Kevin Youkilis and 200 jars of jasmine-scented head massage oil (as per Billy Beane's stipulation) to the Oakland Athletics in exchange for "ah, fuck it, you guys, just take our entire pitching staff." Red Sox to demand renegotiation on grounds of "fuck Keith Foulke, you keep him." Foulke to end up traded to the Blue Jays when Theo Epstein runs out of maple syrup at a local Denny's.

* Daisuke Matsuzaka and Jed Lowrie to the New York Mets for Jose Reyes, on the condition that the Mets no longer try and convince people they are in any way relevant to the game of baseball.

* Evan Longoria to Boston following a series of terrorist threats placed by an anonymous female caller to the Tampa Bay front office.

* Jon Lester to the Seattle Mariners in exchange for Ichiro Suzuki and the Mariner Moose (the team's only other tradeable asset); Moose to petition Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles for reinstatement of ATV license.

* A massive three-way deal with St. Louis, New York, and San Francisco by which Mike Lowell will be assigned to the participating teams on a rotating basis for divisional games only in exchange for each of the three Molina brothers, who will subsequently be hacked into bits and have their working limbs surgically grafted onto Jason Varitek, with the extras to be placed into cryogenic storage with the body of Ted Williams. Varitek will then be signed to a 22-year contract extension with a $500,000 bonus for each time Jerry Remy spends more than 4 seconds discussing his "intangibles" in accordance with the demands of Scott Boras.

* Josh Beckett to the Cleveland Indians; Indians to promptly deal Beckett to Toronto for Frank Thomas, who will platoon with Travis Hafner at "washed-up designated hitter." Upon learning that Thomas is a free agent and thus not eligible for trades, Cleveland to jettison Beckett regardless after Cliff Lee and Fausto Carmona publicly discuss plans to "not suck at the same time." Grady Sizemore seen writing wistful pen pal letters to Carl Crawford in locker room.

* Jacoby Ellsbury to the Lakota Plains Hunters in exchange for a handful of beads and wampum.

* Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell back to Florida Marlins in exchange for "that gritty, underdog quality everyone roots for."

* Single-A Lowell Spinners prospect Will Middlebrooks to be dealt for the promise of eternal human redemption; Middlebrooks to gently decline, saying that the power to redeem ourselves has lain within us all along... then disappear up to the heavens in an incandescent blaze of transcendent beauty. Then be promoted to the AA Sea Dogs.

* David Ortiz, Coco Crisp, Manny DelCarmen, Javier Lopez, and that batboy who looks like he might be some kind of "halfsie" to the Kansas City Royals for Mark Teahen and Zack Greinke.

* Curt Schilling to the New York Yankees in exchange for 20 infield prospects and Hank Steinbrenner's daughter's virginity; Steinbrenner seen scoffing to reporters, "Knew I'd get the best of that Epstein chump."


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

* Jason Varitek and Heidi Watney to "Mad Men" for That Redhead With The Great Rack.

Pepster said...

From what I hear, you can have almost any Marlin except for Hanley and a couple of arms.

Shaun said...

I actually sent Lugo to San Diego for Greene in the first season of my franchise on MLB:08 The Show. Then I let Greene leave after we won the title (same formula: swept Tigers, beat Yankees in seven, swept Mets).

Lowrie took over this season.

Anonymous said...

Okay, clearly all of these are possible. I due think the deal involving cryogenic storage of the Molina extras seems a little ... dubious.
Sperm yes. Body parts, no.